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| Thu, 01-20-2005 - 3:51pm |
I have been reading the posts & my heart is breaking for the women finding it hard to leave. I left 4 years ago but I'll never forget how difficult it was.
I tried to leave twice via a shelter. I finally cashed in some retirement money. Even then I was terrified of change. The drama & abuse had worn me out & I didn't think I'd have the energy to make the move. I tried to find excuses to stay. There were women who were worse off than me. He wasn't that bad. How many people really had a happy marriage? Was it just a myth a fairy tale & I should just put up with it? Why not just leave things the way they were?
I finally realized either I would leave on my own 2 feet or be carried out feet first. I knew he wouldn't murder me, he'd kill me with stress. I'd end up having cancer, a heart attack or stroke.
I look at photo's taken when I was with him & I can't believe how shocking I looked. Pale, thin, tired & old before my time. I was dressed in really frumpy clothes too. 2 weeks after I left I bumped into a family member who almost didn't recognize me. She said I looked years younger,she'd forgotten how pretty I was. So had I.
My son became a happier, calmer boy. There was no more racing around in the evening before he got home tidying the house, making sure dinner was ready when he walked in the door, breath held wondering what sort of mood he was in. We could finally really relax after 5 years.
I went through horrific stress in the weeks before I left trying to keep my plans secret & my courage up but it was worth it, I promise. If anyone gives you any bull about staying until 'Death do you part', remember that day may come sooner than you think. Tell them to go live with the SOB for a few weeks & see how they like it. I found that shut people up.
Love Katie Bear xxxxxxx

You have to remember I'm in a different country. There has been some half hearted talk about joint custody in the news. I can't see it working because unless the parents get along it doesn't seem to work from what I'm reading of your posts in America. It seems to make a messy, tense situation worse. I have what is called 'Primary care'. I make all the day to day decisions. Anything long term, schooling etc we make together but in reality what I say goes, if he wants to disagree he has to go back to the Family Court.
I gave him every Wendsday night, Saturday from 3pm until Sunday 3pm & the second weekend Friday night until Sunday until 4pm. What happened for nearly 4 years was he took them every weekend. I was working nights, tried & figured they needed one rested, alert parent. After a few months when I tried to make him follow the orders he just refused, he's just turn up every Friday night & unless I wanted them to witness a huge row with him I let it go. It was a big mistake. But I was too programed to give in to keep the peace. So when I wanted every second weekend with them & to cut out the Wendsday nights during the school term there was hell to pay. I'd been told I wasn't entitled to anymore legal aid to take him to court again a few years back so I let the matter go. I happened to talk to a lawyer I knew at the firm that handled the original orders & was advised I'd been given the incorrect advice & because the girls were older & in school their circumstances had changed & it was reasonable to adjust the visitation. Unless the mother is neglectful, abusive, taking drugs & it can be proved, the father is given fair access, she usually gets what she wants. Now I have every second weekend & he has them Wendsdays on the school holidays. We come to an agreement privately for extra time during summers & easter. He's only allowed to pick them up from school if I call ahead & let them know . Only the primary carer or police are allowed to remove children from school or childcare.
I did have one advantage. He has a girlfriend for the first time in 4 years. He ranted at the girls & me, sulked etc but the bottom line is he didn't want to be too much of a drama queen in front of her. They don't live together yet but they do see a lot of each other & he has his hands full with her (literally!). He's not happy about it but he's accepted it. She's very nice to the girls but I don't think she wants them around all the time. She's a lot older than me & all her children are adults. She wouldn't want kids under her feet all the time. I don't doubt I'd have had a bigger battle on my hands if it wasn't for that little fact. Another thing in my favor is he's penniless at the moment. He earns a good wage but he's in huge debt. He always was a dick head with money.
We have to attend mediation with a councilor/therapist. We thrash out a 'Parenting Plan' in one or more sessions without lawyers getting in the way. If there are RO in place arrangements for your protection are made. If you come to an agreement a Judge signs them & they are in place. If not it goes before court & they decide what is in the child's best interests. A father would never, ever get custody just because he was in a stable relationship & the mother is single. He would not be allowed to remove the children from a babysitter, child minding center or school. The clause you have in your orders would never be made here, it's too crazy. It would be considered too disruptive to the child & his work schedule is his problem. Plenty of fathers here would like to look after the kids while the mother is at work but unless she allows it during the time she has them during the week it doesn't happen. A child's routine & stability come first & although the court works hard at minimizing the father feeling powerless that sort of thing is considered his bad luck. Unless you can prove drug use, neglect, sexual abuse etc things aren't allowed to get personal. Unfortunately the physiological abuse has to very intense before they will take any notice, they will only curtail or stop visitation on that score if it's recommended by a child phyc & thats very hard to prove because I had a girlfriend who was in that situation. Her X could run rings around these people.
I think the clause of him having first priority over the baby sitter should be removed. It's too disruptive & the baby sitter must find it very scary to have him turn up with law enforcement which would make it hard for you to keep good childminders. You could also argue you agreed to the custody orders you have at the moment out of intimidation & guilt for taking the girls away from their Dad but you have come to the realization they are not working & need to change. You need more quality time with them especially the eldest because 3 weekends a month apart from them is affecting your relationship with her. Mention he won't hand them back at the agreed times & although you want them to have a close loving bond with their father it shouldn't be to your detriment. Get a lawyer that will actually earn their money. It doesn't sound like the last one did their job. We try to be fair to these men in spite of what they put us through & they just walk over us.
I don't know if I was much help! Shift work is hell at the best of times but it shouldn't be held against you in court. It's also hard to find a job where they will be flexible about children. I'm lucky, if I need time off for the children I can take it. We have lots of staff who will swap shifts.
I hope you feel a bit better. If the girls are going to their fathers place this weekend you have people here now who know what you are going through. It doesn't make it easier but at least you not alone.
Love Katie Bear.
I'm glad things turned around for you. I'm going to a counselor tomorrow morning. Also, I'm going to do some more talking with my lawyer. We have a contempt hearing set up for him on the 31st for child support issues. He is also in contempt of a parenting class he failed to attend. When that parenting class issue is brought up it should give me an opportunity to tell the judge about the verbal abuse he is putting me through when it is time for me to get the kids back. I hope some changes can be made.
The judge is getting to know him well, he has been in that courtroom WAY too many times now between me and an ex-gf he had. He got reemed out pretty bad last time. He is in contempt of $2000 in lawyer's fees he owes me, but I found out he got married on the 23rd of December and had the money to buy her an expensive wedding ring. He is also in contempt for other child support issues and is going to owe me some back child support.
I didn't want to be vindictive, but him playing tug-of-war with the kids has got to stop.
Thank you again
Jody
Hi -
Yeah, it is fairly normal.
CL-Blueliner4
Good girl, I'm so proud. And you have given my ego a real boost. I can't beleive how far I've come from the scared door mat I was.
Now he's married to her things will unravel in that department at some stage. Use it to your advantage when that happens. I stand corrected, they do have step sisters! It's going to hold some novelty value for the eldest for a while but hopefully it will wear off. Did you just find out? If so the girls were good at keeping quiet about it. Telling the children to keep secrets is teaching them to lie to us.
Don't use the word 'vindictive'. Or bitch, selfish, trouble maker etc. There are rules he hasn't followed. Serious, necessary one's & you are entitled to have them enforced. Nothing stops most women in their tracks quicker than being called nasty, demeaning names when we have to assert ourselves. We have been trained to care about other peoples feelings before our own & I had to learn to put those feelings aside, not an easy thing to do after a life time of being a people pleaser. Anyone who wants to call me nasty adjectives or names can I've decided. I just tell them opinions are like rectums, everyone has one.
Ask the lawyer how far you can take things in relation to his not attending the parenting course. Are you able to submit some sort of child phyc report about the effect his manipulation is having on the children? The verbal abuse they must witness towards you etc? Go into court armed to the teeth. Keep calm & unemotional & let your lawyer do all the talking for you. (odds are you'll get a male judge. Do what I did & buy a push up bra. I had my girls sitting sky high. I'm sure it helped. Men are fools for a flash of cleavage) Focus everything on the welfare of the kids. He'll make himself look bad without you having to make much of an effort.
Having said all of this my weakness with the X is chasing money he should pay in child support. His attitude is I left, it's up to me to cope. He will spend money on them, quite a bit, but on his terms. Paying for their uniforms, dental bills, shoes etc doesn't give him the instant gratification that taking them to a Wiggles concert, fun fair or movie does. He tried to weasel out of paying for his share of the presents this Xmas but I managed to squeeze his half out of him. In the past if he didn't want to pay for birthday party's or gifts but he made sure he took the credit for buying them. Now my next hurdle is making him pay a weekly amount. He spent a fortune on his new girlfriend after telling me he had no money to contribute to Kathleen's dental bills. I've always been bashful about money & I have to learn to toughen up. I always end up with stingy BF's too. It's my super power.
I'm having one of those rotten periods that just drain me. I wish I could take the time off to have a hysterectomy. It's not as if I'm ever going to use the damn thing again. Whenever I go to a doctor they just tell me I have to put up with the heavy bleeding. I'm too young to have the operation. I'm too young to feel this tired. Lets just say you don't want me sitting on your furniture when it's my time of month!
I'll look out for your post's but try & get some advice from the women who post here who have been to court in your state. Everything helps & good luck.
Lots of love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxx
Those of us who have left have been where you are now. As I said I went to a shelter twice. I tried to make him leave 3 times, he'd cut out doing some things like hitting my son behind my back & I'd let the issue of leaving go, as long as he kept his hands off my son he could do what he liked to me. I still can't forgive myself for putting my boy through 5 years of living with him. I was a bit like a frog put in water with the temp gradually being turned up. The more intense the abuse the more I got used to it. I'd justify staying for many reasons. I didn't want to admit to the world I'd made a horrendous mistake. There were women far worse off than me I'd tell myself. He kept losing jobs, I couldn't just abandon him, it was better to wait until he could support himself. I was pregnant twice while I was with him. It was impossible to leave during those times. Where would I go? I'd wait until one of the children's birthdays passed, Xmas had come & gone. His mother (who I adored) would take the brunt of the stress he'd dish out if I left. We all go through this. You feel too depressed, tried, defeated to make such a momentous change. I'd quail at the thought of trying to support us all. Facing his reaction to my leaving. He had the most frightful, embarrassing tantrum the first time I told him it was best we split up. I never wanted to go through that again.
When I left I was 33 years old & I decided I wanted to make the most of the rest of my life. I didn't want to have to face his nasty moods, sulking or fix the messes he kept getting himself into forever. I finaly stopped feeling responsible for him when I came to the realization nothing I did was going to make him happy, there was no magic button or key that would fix things. I don't really remember what finally gave me the push I needed. But once I'd signed the lease on a new house, bought new stuff etc there was no backing out.
A lot of people were very surprised. He was usually very careful to keep the abuse hidden & so was I. It was too shameful. The few people I thought were close friends & confided in in the beginning had the attitude it was my own foolish fault to get myself in such a bad situation in the first place. People don't understand, you can't just pick up & leave. It's more complicated than that. Apart from the fear factor the practicalities of leaving are overwhelming. No one wants to get involved on any level in case you go back to him & their help might blow up in their face.
Take it one step at a time. You drove past the shelter, when you are ready you will go in & talk to someone (try to do it without the kids in case they spill the beans). Talk to us when you need to. Just admitting to yourself you are in an abusive relationship is a big step. Take it from there at your own pace.
Read the posts I've sent to Jodyarran. I had a lot of issues I should have dealt with when I left but I didn't have a clue. Leaving didn't solve all my problems. I should have dealt with the aftermath of the abuse, my own problems expressing hurt & anger in an appropriate way. I discovered web sites about verbal abuse, how prevalent it is, who abusers & bullies target, what motivates them & how to deal with the affects. My favorite is 'Bully on Line'. It's a UK site but the information on it applies to anyone no matter where they live. I had to reach into my past, make peace with it, take ownership of certain behaviors & admit to myself if I wanted to be treated the way I deserved I had to change. I'm still a work in progress.
I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. I'll be here cheering you on.
Love Katie Bear xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Katie, that DOES help! Thank you. You described my next 6-7 weeks exactly, of secretly making plans. But i am glad i have that opportunity so i can do it when I am ready (emotionally & financially) & when the time is right. I just took "that week" off from work, so its a done deal.
Good for you!!! R~