I just don't know.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
I just don't know.........
7
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 4:25pm

I have been lurking on several boards recently. I am in the process of ending an a and considering ending my m as well. The long and short of it is i became involved with a mm after losing all respect for my husband. See, he drinks, alot. At least in my opinion.
Anywhere from 10-20 12 ounce cans of beer a night. If there is no beer, he will drink whatever he can get his hands on; vodka, wine, he's even cracked open a bottle of champagne.

Does he hit me or the children? No. That would make it too easy. What he does do is lose job after job, misses work because he's tired, spends money we don't have, usually on booze, and yells at me for all of his problems.(financial, sexual, professional failures, etc) Some days he's fine and i think i still love him. Other days, he's mean and nasty. A real life dr. jeckyl and mr. hyde. Hes always nice to dd who is 9, but can be very nasty and condesending to ds who is 15. (i believe he's also bipolar, he does take medication for anxiety) DS doesn't believe his dad has a drinking problem and thinks the amount of alcohol his dad consumes is ok as well as sleeping on the couch.

I haven't had sex with him since february. why should i? he's almost always intoxicated, i get no enjoyment out of it, he doesn't cuddle with me, or even sleep with me. (he has been passing out on the couch for the past 4 years). He comes from a family of alcohol abusers, his father , mother and brother.

So am wrong to think that his alcohol abuse has become some sort of emotional abuse for the children and i. There are other things that have happened, too numerous to list here. I always think of domestic abuse as physical, and i know that it can be verbal. Emotional? threatening to kill himself in order to make things better for the family? telling me that i am not to leave the house when he is home because i am his wife and that is where i belong? Opinions please!!

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 5:25pm

Welcome to the board! :)

I can tell that you are unhappy in your marriage. I honestly don't see it getting better at all if he continues to drink the way he is. I do think that 10 cans of beer is a lot for one night! I think he has an alcohol problem as I am sure you do too. I doubt he thinks he has a problem though. People with addictions do not see anything wrong with it. It also is not very good for your son to see his dad drinking all that. Because he does not see anything wrong with that. He will eventually start to follow in his fathers foot steps.

Does he yell at you a lot? or does it go in sprurts. Is he extra mean when he is drinking? I have read that happens with abusers. There is something called the abuse cycle. It goes from a build-up, then an explosion, then the hearts and flowers stage. Try and notice if you can see a pattern when your husband yells at you.

I don't know too much about the role of drinking or drugs with abusers. I have a book at home that I will go look at later tonight. I will get back to you soon.

What other things have happend with your husband? You say to numerous to list here.. but some things you might not be listing might be huge red flags for abuse. Has any other posts you read sparked your interest and reminded you of your marriage?

The thing about abuse is that it varies so much! It is Physical or emotional or verbal or sexual or all of these combined. The one that people seem to get confused with (myself included) is emotional/verbal abuse. It really is hidden, but it is very damaging to your well being and self esteem. It is very serious... as al forms of abuse.

"telling me that i am not to leave the house when he is home because i am his wife and that is where i belong?"... This is a red flag to me. He is trying to control you. That is not right. You have a right to leave the house if you want to. He will make you feel guilty about leaving the house and turn it around on him. Beware of the control issue, becuase it happens in ways that you don't think of.

Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 11:23am
Unfortunately, most people do think of domestic abuse as physical, yet the physical aspect of domestic abuse is only 1 of a long list of tactics abusers use to maintain the power in relationships. If you look at the homepage of this board, you'll see some checklists of abuse that I already know you will be able to check many of the items on them. Threatening to kill themselves is on there. Mistreatment of you and the children is on there. Telling you that you are not to leave the house when he is home because you are his wife and that's where you belong - that gets to the heart of the cause of nearly all domestic abuse situations - male superiority. You'll see that kind of behavior on there also. Alcohol isn't what causes him to abuse his family, though I know dealing with alcoholism is awful. It is his beliefs about what he's entitled to that causes the abuse. Alcoholism and abuse are 2 entirely separate problems. Your h is an alcoholic, I don't think there's any question of that. He also thinks he's entitled to all kinds of privileges that no one else is entitled to - he thinks he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants, he thinks he's entitled to have you pick up his slack and support him - you wouldn't believe how many abusers are like that, some refuse to work at all, and if they're called on it they attack. And they spend all the money on themselves and don't care how it affects others. The archives of this board are FULL of stories exactly like yours. Do look at those checklists, you will find plenty of abusive behaviors on them that fit your husband. You would be MORE than justified in ending your marriage - it's a deadend and will never get better. Your husband is extremely self-centered and doesn't see beyond himself and his wants. A character trait as severe as that is not going to change. Best of luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 2:51pm
Thank you for your responses. I feel silly posting my issue after reading what so many others are going through.
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 4:07pm

"I feel silly posting my issue after reading what so many others are going through."

Do not feel silly about posting. Okay? Everybodys story is different in so many ways, but then there is so many ways in which they are similar. Post as much as you like and please do not feel silly about posting what you have been thru. I have been in a verbal / emotional abusive relationship. It might not be as bad as some other stories I have heard, but it is still abuse which is very very wrong. The thing about verbal and emotional abuse is that it takes a long time to heal. The scars are on the inside on your self esteem and well being. It takes a long time to heal from all the put downs from the abuser. Physical abuse is still as bad, but the bruises or scraps heal much more quickly. Do not think that you are silly.

Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 10:08pm

i orginally posted this on 9/26. i wanted to update everyone. i left my husband a letter saturday telling him to pack his sh*t and get out. i took the kids, the dogs, the hampster and headed to my mothers 4 hours away. i explained in the letter that he was an alcoholic and he needed help. i enclosed some "light" reading material for him so he could understand that i wasn't making it up, or blaming him. sunday morning he called to tell me that he checked himself into rehab. it may still be too late for our marriage, but i am glad he did this for his health and for his children.

i went to see him tonight. he looked good, and i enjoyed my conversation with him. he wasn't drunk, nasty, or angry. (of course he was medicated) regardless, it was nice. he seemed like the man i married. i hope he continues on this path.

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 10:35pm

I am proud of you!! You did good. It might be too late for your marriage.. who knows? He is on a long path to recovery, but I am happy that he took the step and checked himself into rehab. He wouldn't have made it there if it wasn't for you.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 10:40pm
thanks!! its so very hard breaking the cycle, alcohol abuse, domestic abuse. i hope he does it. i'm a strong woman and i know i can manage on my own. but the kids need a father. and i want that for them.
what