I know I shouldn't care, but it irks me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
I know I shouldn't care, but it irks me
8
Thu, 03-10-2011 - 7:26pm

He's got another

sweets35
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 12:24am

Bitterness and resentment are just a waste of your time and energy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 10:09am
Sounds like your describing my ex-husband. Lol.

i disagree with fissatore's previous post. It is all part of the grieving process (and some amount of self-preservation) that we end up doing things like checking their FB page, scanning CL for things that look like them, etc. And, i think it is very compassionate to worry about the next one. It's healthy to know that it is HIM who is messed up and not YOU and to know that he will continue this pattern of behavior with or without you. He just needs a new punching bag/chew toy/whatever.
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 11:06am

sweets, chipper is correct. Abuse or not, he was a part of your life and it is normal to wonder and grieve some loss. I dont know if you have read that book, why does he do that (lundy bancroft) and even though you know it and you are out, just reading that will keep reinforcing what you were dealing with.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 5:27pm

I just wanted to add ..
To your question "It really bugs me because I tried everything to make that relationship work. What he is looking for was right here, I don't know why he can't see that. "
Again, here I see you unconsciously blaming yourself or trying to find what else could you have done and why he doesn't see it. He doesn't see it because he cannot see it, because he only knows how to control and goes into rages when things don't work out his way. He is not going to see it with you OR anybody. Unless he seeks long term therapy for his abuse, seeks responsibility for his actions (he is still blaming you). Just be happy - he is OUT OF your life..I am sorry for his next victim. You deserve so much better. Life with him would have been crazy especially as the babies are growing up now.
I don't know if you have watched the movie 'Waitress'..she is dealing with her abusive H and trying to make money so she can get out. Really good movie

http://www.leavingabuse.com/out.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 7:35pm

Hi;

I agree with Winter. She made some great points. Even though the relationship wasnt healthy you will grieve big time. You will hurt. Feel all of the emotions that you need to feel. When I left my verbally abusive marriage I fell apart big time. I grieved and I did all I could to heal. You need to heal big time and that will take patience and time and whatever support you can get each and every day..

I was gone for a minute out of the marital home and my ex already had a new victim (I mean gfriend). They are still together and he abuses her. I know through many grapevines. Yes; it hurt and stung and it made me pissed off but i got through it one day at a time. I had a big support system of friends; family; counseling and journaling and reading all I could about abuse, sociopaths and narcisstic personality disorders. YOu can do this also.

Oh; My ex was on multiple dating sites and dating and we were not divorced yet. This happened years ago and now its just a memory.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 03-13-2011 - 4:18pm

Sweets, although you can't see it right now, you're posting about two different people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 03-13-2011 - 11:17pm
Lately I've just had this overwhelming need for revenge or some type of justice in all this.

He's got an all expense paid lifestyle. He doesn't have to work, he lounges around at the place down there watching his stolen premium cable. He has all the premium channels, cinemax, HBO, etc. I've tried to report him in the past, nothing ever comes out of it. It's been like that several years now.

He stays up most of the night on his computer, he somehow manages to continue to get free AOL dial-up. This is how he manages to harass me through the net and post on craigslist looking for women.

His neighbors and the pastor bring food over there, thinking he's down on his luck. When his mother comes to visit she leaves him enough food in the cabinets and fridge to last him for months.

His electric is paid by mommy, and she even enables his chewing tobacco habit, and buys him cans of dip to last him for months as well.

He is totally responsibility free, meanwhile I have to bust my butt, I have an extremely stressful job, I work hard to pay my bills. I take care of my toddlers, and very very rarely have any "me" time.
sweets35
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-14-2011 - 7:08am

I know the feeling all to well. I remember the day I found an online dating thing for my ex husband. We were still together at the time. I have no idea why I went looking in the history of the computer because I never did. In fact I had it set to not save history because I was so worried he would find the DV board I posted on. I wasn't upset because he was looking I wanted him to find someone else because I figured that was the only way he would leave me alone. What ticked me off is he out he didn't have children and put up naked pictures of himself with y camera! But also he was always putting me down for flirting with guys on line. I wasn't going to say anything to him and was going to watch and see what he did but one night he kept going off on me for my flirting and I went off on him. He tried to turn it all around on me and said he did it to see why I flirted with guys on line. He either deleted it or learned to hide his tracks better.

There are days now, not as many as there use to be, that I get upset when I can't do something because of the kids and I get ticked that I have to worry about everything with them and he doesn't. If he isn't working he has his other supporting him and I have to work my butt off and he has no cares in the world. Sometimes when it snows here I think about how unfair it is that I have to deal with snow and he has sunshine (he is in Florida). But on those days I remind myself how we are better off without him in our lives and that yes mommy may be supporting him but living with that women is not easy!! He is on house arrest and she wont cover for him so I am betting anywhere he goes mommy goes too and that he will hate. I picture her controlling him every move and that sunshine he has he can only enjoy as far as his monitor will let him =). I also remind myself that he is missing out on the most amazing people I know MY CHILDREN! He doesn't care that he is missing out on them and that is really sad to me because they are amazing. They drive me nuts but I wouldn't trade them in for anything in this world!! And he is to stupid and self centered to ever realize that and he did the best thing he could for them by walking out on the. I have the added bonus with mine that he is a registered sexual offender and that will make finding someone new. I feel sorry for her (more like them because I am sure there will be more then one) but we all know she (them) would not listen and will have to learn the hard way.

Someone how you have to let this go. Stop looking for him and dwelling on what you have lost and think about what you have gained. It is not easy and I looked for my ex on facebook and myspace and was disgusted by what I found but if you do not let go it will keep eating at you and that can make you bitter. I have seen that bitterness with both my parents. More with my mother then my father but he is now holding on to some and its not good. With my mother you can see the bitterness no matter what she is doing. She let it drive her insane and I am not joking about that I watched her mind shatter and were I doubt all of it is from the bitterness I know that it was part of it. I remind myself of her when I get to thinking about how unfair it is that he seems to not have a care in the world while I have the weight of the world on me. Yes I would love to see him suffer but he is not worth what it will do to me to let those thoughts have to much power over me.

I have gained more then I lost. I hate that my children do not have a father but given the choice over having him in their life or no father I would always choose no father every time. He will never change and I gave up a long time ago thinking he would change and could be what I wanted him to be. I have learned to grieve what I wanted and that he was not able to be that person and hope you can to do that soon. (hugs)


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