I know it's abuse - help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
I know it's abuse - help!
11
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:36pm

Hi Everyone,

How about I give you a bit of background info first...

I met my current BF at work, and started dating in May 05. I was living with my sister, then a roomate.. but eventually needed another roomate. So I decided to just move in with my BF in Jan 06. Ever since then we have not been getting along very well.

I seem to know that he does verbally abuse me or emotionally, but I can't seem to get the courage to leave. I do love him even though i'm sure nobody understands why. We will get mad at me about little things - just totally blow out of control, yell at me, tell me i'm a f-ing bitch, and tell me to F-off. It really hurts. He does know it hurts me, but it seems like he just forgets. Then a little while later he says he's so sorry, and it won't happen again. But it does. He has never hurt to physically.

We had an episode on Saturday - it was my birthday and my sister was here visiting. He didn't even wish my happy birthday till the end of the day after I got mad at him. He totally turned the day around like it was his day and seemed like he didn't even care about me. He said some really hurtful things to me, then I left the house to go to a BBQ without him. I came back in to get something, and he was crying, saying he was sorry, and apologizing, saying he loves me... and all that. I can't help it....I start to feel really sad when he's like that.. and I forget what he did to me. Then it's all fine the next day...??

He knows that something is wrong with him. He has some abandonment issues, depression and he has decided to go to some couselling. He wants 1 more chance for us to try and work it out. I just think he will never change. He thinks he will change with some counselling.

I am planning to move out ASAP and he is fine with that. We both realize that we are in a very unhealthy relationship. He wants to stay together when I move out... and I am starting to be very unsure. I do love him, he is my best friend and that's why it's so hard.

I'm just very confused if we should try 1 more time if he gets help from counselling..? I just worry about him and I don't want to break his heart..... HELP!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 12:12pm

Just a quick note to add to the last post.

I was telling my BF last night that I don't think it will ever work, he will never change and our relationship will never get better. He just started saying that well if you've learning in your life that running away from the problem will fix it, then go ahead... Why is he saying this? he thinks he deserves one more chance... but is he just switching it around to make me look like the bad guy again??

Can someone help me??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:18pm

Yep -- this is a *total* BS manipulative play by your abuser. He treats you like cr*p, makes it crystal-clear he does not respect you -- but oh-lawsy, the minute you show your character/intelligence and turn around to walk away, he's all about the "you're running away" (well DUH, who wouldn't???) or "boohoo, you're abandoning me" (puh-lease) or "you can't live without me" (*snort*, watch me, sucka).

Because after you sensibly (do it now) "run away," awww-boohoo, he's gonna have to find another poor woman to abuse, and you're already there, so much more convenient.

Keep your wits and get the heck OUT. end of tale.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:58pm

Thanks for your input.

I guess I just worry that after I leave he's going to do something stpuid and hurt himself. He says he knows that he's abusive - but I don't think he totally gets it. He always changes arguments around to say it's my fault instead of his even though he was the one that started it! Lately I just agree with him to save ourselves from getting into an argument. I DO know that HE IS in the wrong.. but i wont tell him that. He said on saturday "You don't even respect me, I respect you, but you can't even respect me!" I was shocked... like excuse me I think you have it TOTALLY backwards! You don't care about my feelings, you always put me down... and I know that I am not a B**ch or a wh*re and i know you don't hate me... but I am starting to HATE YOU!!!!

I am already looking for a place to move to.. and hopefully will be out sooner than later. It's just hard because for some reason I love him, even though I know he is an abuser... ??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 2:34pm
He is saying this to try to make you feel guilty and to try to convince you that leaving him is not an option. The ironic thing is that running from HIS abuse problem really does fix it - for YOU. You will be living abuse free and happier than ever. He, on the other hand will always be dishing abuse out. Abuse is one "problem" that it is smart to run from and don't look back. HIS opinion doesn't matter as his mind is so screwed up. I don't ever take anything coming from an abusive mind as anything I should live my life by.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 6:08am

I can tell you are very hurt and confused. And rightly so. First: he is NOT your best friend. Best friends do not intentionally hurt you. It's interesting that you are not wanting to stop seeing him after you move out for fear of breaking his heart, he sure isn't worried about breaking your heart.

He is your "emotional filling station"...there is something he is giving you that you believe only he can provide, and that you must have to survive. Sometime during your life certain emotional needs were not met and you are looking for someone to meet those needs now. I'm sorry, but he is not the one.

It would be wonderful if he got professional help, but only he can pursue that. If he does, then great. But in the meantime, you need to focus on you.

He has you feeling sorry for him and wants you to believe you can rescue him...and you can't. He has to rescue himself. Just as you have to take care of yourself - no one else can do it for you.

People who have depression (whether it is clinical or reactive) are not all abusers. He is using that as a crutch and excuse to abuse and control you. Don't fall for his emotional blackmail!

Should you give him one more chance if he gets counseling? Sure, if counseling works for him (and he has to work at it!). But, it will be WAY down the road before he would be ready to be an active partner in a healthy and nurturing relationship. At this point, it is all about him and his needs....he is not willing and/or capable of nurturing you or anyone - even himself! He has to get his own toxic emotional problems taken care of first. And, maybe he will and maybe he won't. That remains to be seen.

In the meantime, you need to find out why you are settling for the crumbs in a relationship and don't believe you deserve the whole loaf. And the only way you will find out is to get help in sorting everything out with a professional counselor.

The fact that you know it is abuse is a very important key. But unless you take the next step to help yourself, the key won't open any doors.

There have been some good times with him of course, but are the few good times worth all the pain and heartache?

How far are you into your plans to move out? Have you started looking for a place and made that your #1 priority? Or, is he still your #1 priority?

Confused? Of course you are. And the longer you volunteer to be his victim, the more confused you will become.

Please keep us updated. Good luck!

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 10:40am
Oh, the manipulation! My dh does the same thing. If I was in your situation, and my eyes were open as yours, I would be RUNNING! The pattern of abuse is blame...hurt...blame...sorry...blame...hurt. You get the picture. My dh pushed me to the point where I almost went to the hospital last week. He bought me a dishwasher! And was angry when it took me two days to say "I love you", which I did to get him off my back. My children and I have learned how to manipulate the situation so we don't get as hurt. I hate it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 12:03pm

Thanks for all your responses... It is helping A LOT!

I looked at a couple places that I loved - but they will let me know in the next day or so if I get it or not. (I hate that, It's like an interview) It might not be till July 15th or Aug 1st that I would be able to move into it though.

I am planning to go stay at a couple friends house - probably tonight. I slept on the couch last night - which was a good idea. BUT he woke up at 5 and started packing my stuff up saying to get out!!! like hello, I can't just pack up ALL my stuff in about 5 minutes and leave. It's not that simple!!! I know I have to leave now, but I won't be able to move all my stuff that fast.

He's driving me nuts.... all he keeps saying is that I'm running away from the problem (Well ya I am... You're the problem) I'm just starting to agree with him, so it doesn't start a new fight, even though I know what's right.

He said I knew this would happen from the beginning but it's MY fault right? Well if he thought it would come down to this, then why does it turn to me, it just turns around to make me look like the bad guy. I am so much smarter than that.

I found an old post with a website on it... It was: http://www.drjoecarver.com
I was shocked while reading it and how so many of the points of "are you dating a loser" are so true in this relationship. They don't seem like a big probelm at the time when you are in a relationship, but they just build up and build up.

That website really started to open my eyes and see what kind of relationship I WAS in!!! My eyes are now wide open and am not denying anything anymore. I know that this is abuse. It's hard in the beginning to actually admit to it, but what a relieve it is now.

Thanks... and I'll keep ou updated on the house hunting.
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 5:09pm

Just leave, he's not worth it. Your obviously a lovely person to put someone elses' well being before your own, but this guy doesnt deserve you. Once you have left you'll probably be suprised at how good you feel about yourself.

I wasted 7 years on someone similar. We were young and were off an on, but eventually when i was 22 we gave the relationship a real go. It was similar to you, he was very emotionally charged, angry one minute, crying the next, he would put me down, or just say things that would make me feel bad about myself. I still dont know what his problem was, i think he must have had some issues with depression and because i was outgoing, he was jealous and so tried to reduce me to his level, and like your guy everything was always about him. I finally left and it was hard, i was tempted to go back and near the end he started being a lot nicer to me, but once i was well away i was so glad. Now i shudder everytime i think of him, and my life has changed unrecognisably since.

Yours will too, i promise x

And the abuse has a name - emotional domestic violence. Just saying it makes it sound worse doesnt it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 7:53am

Total typical abuser to never take rsponsibility for his actions.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 11:22am
Many abusers try to argue that them undergoing counseling obligates you to give them another chance; not so. If the counseling were really working, they would understand that what you do is your choice, and why you chose to do it. Nobody but you can decide if you want to leave now, but this is, alas, just another tactic. It will probably be one of many, once he realizes you are serious about leaving.
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