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| Thu, 09-15-2005 - 3:46pm |
Hi All:
I have been in a relationship with HIM for 1.5 years. It has been rough. Wen we first met, he was a sweet shy guy. We spent alot of time together and he practically moved in within a month. He came off as this "nice" guy, everyone would say he is so sweet!
By month 3, when I would say something he didn't like, he would yell at me, pack his things and storm out, hang up the phone on me and not take my calls, he would hear me cry and when I would cry he would yell at me. Same old scenario kept on happening.
His place was finally finished and he lives there and I live at my house and we go back and forth. When I moved to a new house, he hurt his back the day before moving and could not help me but his back was better the next day. When I was having work done on my house at various stages, with contractors in and out, he would scream on the phone at me that I was a selfish b*tch because I was not spending time with his family or because I was not going to his house because I had electricians all over my house.
When he is super busy with work, or has business trips, I cook for him, pack his suitcase, leave love notes. Within a day though, I am called a selfish b*tch.
He constantly hangs up the phone on me and like an idiot I will call him and call him and he won't answer the phone because he is PO'd at me. BUT if I don't answer the phone or return his call within an hour, I am cheating on him, showing my true colors and he will leave messages I am ticking him off.
When I finally have had it, and tell him I need some space, kindness and love, he tells me I don't know what love is, I have not been SHOWING him love, therefore he need not be loving to me. Then he will turn it around completely and tell me he feels unloved, I better prove I love him or he does not want me anymore, he will then hang up the phone, not take my calls and EXPECTS me to go running to his house to make HIM feel better.
I AM AT MY LIMIT. Here is what has happend last week.
On Wednesday I had the talk again with him. I told him I am not in love with you, I love you, but that romantic love is not there. I need a bit of space right now. I had a big important meeting on Thursday and told him I want Wednesday night to myself because all I have been doing lately is crying and I do not want to be upset for my meeting. Well, he shows up on my doorstep at 9pm on Wednesday night, with wine and cake and announces he wants to be with me. I said, I told you I want ot be alone tongiht!! he say s fine b*tch, storms out the door. In our usual pattern, I then feel bad and start calling his cell. He answers screaming F**K off B**ch, I am a great guy and I don't deserve this!!! HAnging up and the madness began and I of course went to my meeting the next day a wreck.
On Thursdsay, I had a networking event to go to. I wanted to go alone to catch up with friends. He never likes these events anyway and makes them miserable for me. AND I was mad that I kept apologizing for the night before because he kept saying I was an awful person for turnng him away, even though I cried all night and got cussed out. He was of course ticked off I wanted to go to my event by myself and I don;t remember what was said, but he screamed in the phone I will ruin you and your poopular reputation!! Whatever. I went to my event at 6:15 pm. At 7:03 pm my cell is ringing and it is the police telling me my alarm is going off and someone has broken into my home. I went home and got everything settled. Nothing was stolen, the alarm scared the bad guy off. At 8pm, I call HIM and tell him what happend, he had no reaction. He then cals me from the bar he is at at 11:30 and tells me to come meet up with him. I said no, someone triied to break in here tonight, it scared my animals bad, I am not leaving here and besides that, I don;t go to bars late at night! He then calls at 1am to tell me he is home and if I want to come over, I can. GEE, MY HOUSE GET'S BROKEN INTO, HE OES TO A BAR 5 MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE, and he never checks on me??? NOW I AM TICKED. YOU WONDER WHY I AM NOT IN LOVE??
SOOO, I now really want time alone. I tell him Friday night I am going out with the girls and Studay lunch with them too. I just want to be with my friends and get over how ridiculous things have been. I call him Saturday at 3pm when I get home from lunch and shoe shopping. He acuses me of devestating him because one of the girls I was with is frineds with someone I used to date and he thinks I want to go out with that guy again. WHAT??? Oh, and now HE needs HIS SPACE because I HURT HIM DEEPLY. Ok, Saturday night, we don;t see eachother. He said he was going out to watch football. I go to bed at 10:00, he starts calling here at 10:30 leaving messages like, you are out cheatin on me in a bar!!!!
Sunday Morning, I call him an say this, Honey, this is stupid. Let's stop this, Why don;t you come over today and we will play in the pool? He says, NO! I want space, I am not happy. I say come on, I love you, let's stop this. He tells me I do not know what love is, (sound familiar), I need to SHOW him love. Sevaral hours later, and three beers (I never drink during the day, but for some reason I had three beers sunday afternoon) I call him again, crying and so sad and tell him please please stop this, I need a hug, he says you need a hug, you know where I am. I said I have had three beers and don;t want to drive, he said take a cab in his cold voice and hung up.
At that moment, in my heart, I felt like he was dead to me. I dried my tears, said screw this, and decided to never talk to him again. He has not called me yet and it is Wednesday. What he has done is leave a love letter on the porch, that was a pretty self serving letter talking about how he wants to BELIEVE he makes me happy, he has sent me flowers and emails. I am not responding. I feel like if I talk to him, I will just be torn down again. Also, none of hs communications say sorry for treating you like this. They are all gooey weird romance, here is the one he sent last night:
How are you my sweet?
Are you happier without me making your eyes water?
Where I am not around to hurt your feelings?
Are you growing stronger and more confident without me?
In my case the transition of feelings has been powerful.
I feel my frustrations and anger deflating and refilling with my appreciation,
understanding and love for you.
I miss holding you. Feeling your hugs, holding your hand in the car feeling
your nails in my hair.
I miss knowing you are there, I can turn to you and that you care.
I recognize my appreciation of the things you do growing - like cooking. I am
the worst cook ever. You would think someone could not screw up a frozen
pizza. Well, I succeeded. It was undercooked, and I ended up dropping half of
it while I was moving it to my plate.
I feel more healthy, more lovable, less angry and ready to snap and more
patient and waiting to listen. Do you feel a type of change also ? Are you
happy ?
I am thinking of you constantly and want the best for you and I love you.\
It's me again. Now please understand, I just decided to never talk to him again!! I have no idea what he talking about about "Transistion time"! I never want to be cussed out and hung up on and toldI don't know what love is and I won't be there for you because you don't deserve it again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AM I WITH AN ABUSER? OR IS IT ME????????????????? IS HE SENDING ME THESE NOTES ND FLOWERS TO SUCK ME BACK IN OR DOES HE MEAN IT AND I AM TOO SELFISH LIKE HE SAYS TO SEE IT??? Help!!

A random, possibly paranoid thought: are you sure HE didn't break in at your place, knowing it would set off the alarm and the police would call, just to disrupt your networking event? Didn't he threaten to do something to make you "less popular"?
From what you've described, he seems very childish and irrational. And a break-in in the early evening like that, when so many people are coming home from work, etc., seems unusual.
Do what's right for you. Your instincts are not off here. Good luck to you.
--Fran
Yes, he's an abuser. No, you're not selfish. Just from what I've read of those freaky love notes he sent you, I'd say that not only is he an abuser, but he's also got a screw loose.
The more I learn about these guys, the more disgusted I get. They all seem to say & do the same things. My ex was also sweet & shy when I first got to know him. He cried a lot, told me he was abused by his father. I listened & was supportive & gave him a job & introduced him to my friends. After about a few months, I started to see his angry side.
My ex also would get really angry if I cried. His insults & raging would only get worse if I cried, so I learned to show no emotion. Then he got mad at me for not showing any emotion. He said I acted "so dismissive" toward him.
He called me a "Bitch!" and "Crazy Bitch!" whenever he was in one of his crazy rages. He would also put me down because I have a lot of friends and am successful in my career. He'd say "you think you're so much better than everyone else." "You think you're so perfect."
He also used that phrase, "now you're showing your true colors," when I tried to shake him off after he grabbed me & threatened me.
He said he was a nice guy.
He would say things during those rages that made absolutely no sense and caught me completely by surprise. He made me feel like I was losing my mind.
Please don't let yourself get pulled back in. These guys are masters of manipulation. Trust your perceptions.
OMG!!!
You just sent chills down my spine, Saturday night when he left that nasty message on my cell phone he said "you are showing your true colors"!!!!!!!!!
He also has huge fuel from my tears, the harder I cry, the louder he screams. Like I make him mad when I cry!!! Or he wants me to cry more!! And then he says you deserve it to be sad, or he says my tears are a manipulation to control him?????WHHHHAAAAA????????
And yes, the insanity!!!!!! He will say things and then say he didn't say them!!!! On top of it, when we fight, I found out he was secretly recording the fights on his computer...he said that way he can PROVE it is me, but he won;t play them back for me and says HE KNOWS it was me, I say play them back, it will prove you said I was no good, a loser, unloving etc. He won't.
Also, remember I said I had a big meeting last week and wanted to be left alone, it is almost like he wanted it to go badly........
Thanks for listening, I know I am not crazy!!!!!
The crying thing...I've been involved with two abusive men, and they both reacted the same way to my tears. They would get even meaner. One time, when I couldn't stand being ridiculed any more while I lay crumpled on the floor sobbing, I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. He punched his fist through the door.
You're not crazy. It's these guys, these mean, guys. My ex's brain was a shredder. He heard every word as an insult or an accusation. I was always astounded with his interpretations of our conversations. I was always defending myself, trying to reassure him that I was on his side.
Several times he actually called me his "enemy."
Thank goodness you got out when you did. The damage these men can do to us is deep and long lasting.
Thank you!!! to everyone who responded!!! You make me feel so strong and are helping me know I will be ok!!!! God Bess you all and you are all in my prayers, I will be thanking God for the voices of angels (YOU!!!!!!!) that are giving me strength.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I am here for all on this board too.
Honey, he is a crackpot. He is without question an abuser. You are not selfish, you just have a self and want to keep it. He's trying hard to drag you back in and he may push really hard. Hold that NO CONTACT line. He doesn't deserve you. HE is the one who doesn't know what love is.
Please stick around, post, read, ask for validation whenever you need it. We're here and we care.
Hi honey, and ditto what the others said: I think he broke into your house. He sounds like a narcissist (like my H) and he needed your attention that evening, or at very least needed to sabatoge your evening.
I identified with him showing up at your home at 9:00 p.m. on that Wednesday night with cake and wanting to be with you, cause it is, afterall, all about what he wants. I added to my thread (entitled Easy Way Out) today that my H showed up at the house at 9:15 last night, just as I was getting the kids to sleep, to thrill DD with stories about how he attended her "back-to-school" night and mommy didn't (mommy is a basketcase, she needed to go to one of her "meetings"). Then, after I let him stay and talk with DD about her school for like 20 minutes, I reminded him that it was the kids' bedtime and he needed to leave and he stormed out. I'm just glad when he's not around now. He does nothing but cause chaos.
You're doing the right thing. The man you described is an abuser and you'll be completely off-balance until you realize that HE's the problem, not you. Best of luck. I just returned to this board myself, after believing that my H had "changed." But I'm starting to believe the cl's here - they don't change. Love, Mo.