I know whats happening and yet....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
I know whats happening and yet....
1
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 2:14am
Hello friends!,
I know what he is doing and yet it still hurts, I am glad that I now have the knowledge to know that when he does things that are abusive I can recognise it and what he is trying to achieve but it still hurts me somewhere deep down. I am stronger than I have been in a long time and I find myself pushing his patience and the boundaries so to speak and to be honest not caring if I hurt him which is not the person I want to be. Its like I have this new found power and I am using it in the wrong way. To explain further we have been fighting since last night and this morning we keep going back and forward and he was wright in that I was previously being aggressive which coming from him sh*ts me in a big way because his idea of me being aggressive is raising my voice....so I told him I did not want to discuss it any further and to be honest I really didn't care what he thinks as far as by behavior is concerned ...well he did not like that and the more I wouldn't talk about my wrong doing the more aggitated he got and the more he kept saying how come I can't do that and you can how come you can have a reason and I can't....arrrhhh I just told him to leave me alone and then he pipes up with ' well I am going to go ask that girl out for tomorrow night' so I left it and said nothing and went into the bathroom and shut the door. Like I care if he goes out with someone as far as I'm concerned great go and leave me alone. The thing is if I had said that to him ' OH MY GOD HE WOULD PUT ME THROUGH THE WALL!! So I knew he was just trying to get me to bite so that he could get me to listen to him and what he wanted to say which is one of his tacticts which I recognise and yet its not what he said that bothers me that much its that fact that he is trying to control me and maniputlate me with stupid hurtful things just to get me to do what he wants. I just do not get how someone can be so selfcentered. I mean this man has spent the years verbally abusing me to get what he wants and all the while telling me that I am the selfish one I am the one who only cares about me which is so not true!! (Deep breathe) Ok so I am off to Cairns in three days and finally I can have a break from my life, boy do I need it!! I am so sick of the mind games its not funny, WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS I am not stupid and I am not going to put up with this crap much longer and if he doesn't pull his head in I will be the one walking out and leaving him in the lurch!!
thanks for the vent!!
M
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 2:45am

Hey lady -


I get what he’s doing. You are trying to stretch those newfound wings of yours and he doesn’t like it one bit. He’s trying to re-establish control over you. You don’t like that and aren’t about to put up with it. Back and forth, back and forth. Your emotions are getting run ragged because of it. He’s trying to wear you down. So, how to combat this?


You take the emotion out of it. He’s pushing because he knows he will get a reaction. He says things like he’s going to ask that other girl out. Your answer? "Okay. Just call me if you’re not coming home." Combat without the emotion. Right now, that will buy you some time. You don’t need to yell. No, it’s not fun, and sometimes there are times when we have to. I also found myself using escalating levels of volume to combat my X during fights, too. It’s almost as if we sink to their level. Maybe it’s more of a survival instinct we develop - act in kind to protect ourselves.


I think you are doing just fine, and good for you for taking pictures. Something similar happened last year with someone whose XH did destroy the house. She got in and took pictures and I believe she did get the repairs taken care of at his expense after the sale. You sound very together and prepared - and ready for that holiday!


It is hard to come to grips with what has gone on once we recognize it. That’s why recovery from this is so complicated. As far as figuring out the how and why of their behavior, it’s almost not worth it to try. I tried to figure out why he did it. In my case, it was fairly obvious. My XH was raised largely by his mother (who is a piece of work) as his dad was a major executive for an international aircraft manufacturer and was always out of the country working on deals. There was a stretch where his dad would be in China for 5-6 days, fly home to the Central U.S., then 36 to 48 hours later, be on a plane back to China, and this went on for weeks. He learned from his mom. He acts just like she does, and acts to please her. It’s just nuts. I’m glad I’m free from them. Some others here, their Xs paths don’t necessarily read that easily. But at some point in your H’s life, he was allowed to behave this way. He believes this is OK. You, being a normal person, does not. I think your H is an Australian version of my XH, they sound so much alike.


Keep venting, keep posting, and keep going forward. You know where the path is, you know where it leads. You just need to get through the bumps between here and there.


CL-Blueliner4