I left
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| Fri, 07-16-2004 - 8:06pm |
So I left, and got away with it safely, at least so far. He went to work, I went to work--I took leave, called the shelter (they've been telling me to come for over a week) went home, gathered stuff, visited lawyer and left a note that we were separated and DS and I were somewhere nearby and safe. It worked well, and he's saying he'll sign the separation agreement and leave the house. Of course, he said he'd leave after the grabbing, too, and didn't. He's being his public self, acting all calm and slightly perplexed, not saying much.
My question is, why do I feel so freaking awful? Now that all the planning and adrenalin has worn off, all I want to do is cry. The rest of my life is good--I'm a good mom with a great kid, I have great friends, even if they aren't close geographically, my coworkers are supportive, I'm good at my job, my family is great, I'm getting counseling. But all I want to do is cry, but I can't yet b/c it would upset DS. He's doing great--I brought all his familiar books, music routines, teddy etc. and so far, so good. I'm pretty much a wreck though, at least at the moment, just so sad. I've worked very hard to get away, and now that I'm actually getting there, I'm a mess. What's wrong with me? I don't want what he really is, I just want who I thought he was before he revealed his real thoughts and beliefs. I guess it's a release and mourning, but my god is this painful.

Oh, honey.
This, of course, is the message I've been waiting for.
CL-Blueliner4
I've written all my life, but not lately, b/c he read it--definitely time to start again. Thanks for all the good advice and support, from you and everyone--it really helped, since I don't know too many people here. And even that is changing- I've got play dates for DS and I like some of my coworkers.
I'm so glad you're safe. You did the right thing for you and your son.
In answer to you first questions, yes I believe he's nuts. It's like they have a split personality -- well liked fellow with the public and godzilla when your alone.
You, however, are thinking clearly and I'm so glad you made the decision to go. I
experienced the same feelings you are having now. Its like you get all psyched up to do what must be done. Once you've made the big move, then the emotions can start to come out. Go ahead and let them out. I mourned also for the relationship that I thought I had; after that I was able to look and see what I really had. It sounds like you have a great support system with family and friends - let them help.
My prayers are with you that you'll remain strong and I can say from experience that life without all those tensions is wonderful, not perfect, but much easier to handle.
Keep in touch.
Cindy
Hi, ccinnc, congratulations on a successful freedom run.
Mama Harmony
Good Luck!