I left

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
I left
5
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 8:06pm
hi all, I left my H and my home on Thursday. I'm in 'a safe place' with my DS. I also filed a complaint and sent him a separaration agreement. I saw an e-mail he got (I'd taken to shameless snooping and found two $5,000 loans he's taken out, too) that says his friend (who's also from his country of origin) would see him on the night of the 17th. Don't know if he meant tomorrow or next month,or where he would see him, but he hadn't said anything to me about it. Made me worry he might try to sneak off with DS out of country and that can't happen b/c I wouldn't be able to get him back. I've put his passport away, but you never know. Also had a couple of surreal conversations lately--themed 'I don't deserve to know what's happening financially in my marriage b/c I have a control problem and I can't control this so I might as well not know- it's none of my business what he does' and 'I can't have really been afraid of him when he grabbed me and pulled my hair b/c if I were I wouldn't provoke him'. And I quote 'would you poke a lion in the eye? Would you swim up to a shark and bother it?' And the 'a lot of other men would have slapped you around long ago' comment, far from being intimidating--he says it's anti-controlling--it shows how tolerant he's been when I've 'crossed the line'. Is it just me, or is this man nuts? I don't even know who he is anymore.

So I left, and got away with it safely, at least so far. He went to work, I went to work--I took leave, called the shelter (they've been telling me to come for over a week) went home, gathered stuff, visited lawyer and left a note that we were separated and DS and I were somewhere nearby and safe. It worked well, and he's saying he'll sign the separation agreement and leave the house. Of course, he said he'd leave after the grabbing, too, and didn't. He's being his public self, acting all calm and slightly perplexed, not saying much.

My question is, why do I feel so freaking awful? Now that all the planning and adrenalin has worn off, all I want to do is cry. The rest of my life is good--I'm a good mom with a great kid, I have great friends, even if they aren't close geographically, my coworkers are supportive, I'm good at my job, my family is great, I'm getting counseling. But all I want to do is cry, but I can't yet b/c it would upset DS. He's doing great--I brought all his familiar books, music routines, teddy etc. and so far, so good. I'm pretty much a wreck though, at least at the moment, just so sad. I've worked very hard to get away, and now that I'm actually getting there, I'm a mess. What's wrong with me? I don't want what he really is, I just want who I thought he was before he revealed his real thoughts and beliefs. I guess it's a release and mourning, but my god is this painful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: ccinnc
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 8:34pm

Oh, honey.


This, of course, is the message I've been waiting for.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
In reply to: ccinnc
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 4:23pm
Hey-thank you. I'll tell you this, I slept better last night than I have in months, even with DS doing his best starfish impression next to me. And predictably, everything looked somewhat better this morning. I took my son to the beach today (in a random location) and we had fun and it felt normal I think there will still be a bunch of rough patches, and nothing's signed yet, but I also think that the good periods will get longer and more frequent. I'm going to get to be myself again!

I've written all my life, but not lately, b/c he read it--definitely time to start again. Thanks for all the good advice and support, from you and everyone--it really helped, since I don't know too many people here. And even that is changing- I've got play dates for DS and I like some of my coworkers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
In reply to: ccinnc
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 5:11pm
Hi!

I'm so glad you're safe. You did the right thing for you and your son.

In answer to you first questions, yes I believe he's nuts. It's like they have a split personality -- well liked fellow with the public and godzilla when your alone.

You, however, are thinking clearly and I'm so glad you made the decision to go. I

experienced the same feelings you are having now. Its like you get all psyched up to do what must be done. Once you've made the big move, then the emotions can start to come out. Go ahead and let them out. I mourned also for the relationship that I thought I had; after that I was able to look and see what I really had. It sounds like you have a great support system with family and friends - let them help.

My prayers are with you that you'll remain strong and I can say from experience that life without all those tensions is wonderful, not perfect, but much easier to handle.

Keep in touch.

Cindy

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
In reply to: ccinnc
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 9:10pm

Hi, ccinnc, congratulations on a successful freedom run.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: ccinnc
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 4:27am
I agree let the tears flow. It's OK to cry, It's release for your body.

Good Luck!