I left him and need help
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I left him and need help
| Sun, 09-17-2006 - 12:16am |
You know I still don't want to face the fact that he was abusive. I know he loves me but he doesnn't show me respect. He called me up at work yesterday to tell me he doesn't like the shirt I was wearing because it had slight staining on the sleeves and said that I had to change before I met up with him. I felt like garbage but I let that go. Yesterday night he asked me to find his keys for him, he said they were on his bed, I searched the bed and didn't see that the keys were at the end of the bed and he said You're so stupid are you honestly good at anything? When I called him on this he said well you're the one who f***** up. I let that go as well. This morning we were at his computer and were sitting side by side, he got up and i was really close to him (he broke his foot and i guess needed room to move)when he didn't have enough space he shouted Move!!!!!!! like an animal, instead of just saying would you pleaase move? I told him to shut up and he grabbed me really hard by my face (I was so startled) I bit down hard on my top lip. Anyway I told him that I was sick of his crap and will not tolerate this anymore. I told him that unless he got into counseling and changed once and for all I would never take him back. But i feel bad now cuz
I said he can call me whenever he wants and I would be there for him, he called about 40 times today and I didn't answer one of his calls. The reason why, I know i'll cave if I talk to him. Was it wrong to say he could contact me and not answer his calls when he did? Did I do the right thing, Should I have left for these reasons? I feel stupid now, I need some validation, some advice real quick. I'm so sad right now, I'm so lonely, i'm scared i'll take him back, I CAN"T TAKE HIM BACK. I'm only 21 and in the six years i've been with this guy, he started out as being verbally abusive, then he started beating the crap out of me for two years, and now he's stopped physically abusing me (six months now) but as you can see the verbal abuse is going on. I'm so desperate someone please help me, I've never been this scared in my life. Need validation and advice immediately.
I said he can call me whenever he wants and I would be there for him, he called about 40 times today and I didn't answer one of his calls. The reason why, I know i'll cave if I talk to him. Was it wrong to say he could contact me and not answer his calls when he did? Did I do the right thing, Should I have left for these reasons? I feel stupid now, I need some validation, some advice real quick. I'm so sad right now, I'm so lonely, i'm scared i'll take him back, I CAN"T TAKE HIM BACK. I'm only 21 and in the six years i've been with this guy, he started out as being verbally abusive, then he started beating the crap out of me for two years, and now he's stopped physically abusing me (six months now) but as you can see the verbal abuse is going on. I'm so desperate someone please help me, I've never been this scared in my life. Need validation and advice immediately.

Hon, you're doing the absolute right thing. This is abuse, and you don't have to take it. You're only 21 and you have your whole life ahead of you, it does NOT have to be like that! Not taking his phone calls is the RIGHT thing to do, too. If you maintain NO CONTACT, he can't work on you, and suck you back in. Do *not* take his calls, talk to him, see him, whatever. It's like quitting cigarettes. They're bad for you, and it's immeasurably hard to do, but it CAN be done, and must be for your health and safety. Hang in there, we are there for you!
If you haven't already, check out our board website: http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm I think "The First 100 Days" would be especially good for you to read right now.
You ARE doing the right thing and you CAN do it!
Hi Rosie.
You did the right thing. I am so very proud of you.
I said the same thing to my abuser. I told him to call me if he was sad, or just to talk, or just to catch up. I did speak with my abuser from time to time. The only thing that will happen if you talk to him is it will get harder and harder. There is always the possibility that he might convince you again to get back with him. He will not change suddenly like he might claim he has. He will not get better. He will not change overnight and stop abusing you.
You deserve so much more than what he is doing to you. Do not believe anything he will say.
Oh, You can go post on the Domestic Abuse - New Beginnings board. I have received awesome advice from the ladies over there. The more you hear about why you shouldn't go back to him, the more you will start to belive it.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&nav=start
Good Luck. Stay Strong. I know you can. Deep down I know you know that you did the right thing.
Lauren
Rosie......
How was your weekend?... Have you talked to him yet? Just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.
Keep us updated.
Lauren
It will take time. You can't heal yourself really fast once you are out of an abusive relationship. You just need to realize that you did the right thing. You might not feel like it now, but you did the right thing.
Have you thought about going to see a counsellor at all? You can always call the Domestic Violence Hot Line. You can just talk to people. I think that would help you. Just get your feelings out instead of holding them in.
Have you also thought about getting some books? I have read and am still reading 2 great books. The first one is called "Why does he do that" By Lundy Bancroft. This book is wonderful. It really was an eye-opener for me about my abuser. I learned so much about my abuser. It really helped me. The other one that I am still reading is called "It's my life now. Starting over after an abusive relationship or Domestic Violence" I am not sure who it is by though. I really like this one because there is a lot of workbook type things to do. It helped me as well.
I talked to my X a lot after we split. I lived with him so it was hard to cut all ties at first. I had to move all my stuff, go back for more, get my mail. It made is so very hard every time I seen him. We would cry and cry when we seen each other. I guess it made it easier that we both knew it was never going to work. He wasn't trying to win me over so I would go back to him and I wasn't doing that either. But it was still very difficult. I have had many days where it has been tough, but it gets easier as you move on. He would still get mad at me, ask me a million questions when I would go to the bar, ask if I had moved on (hello!! are you kidding) because he had!, telling me things just to hurt my feelings. He told me he regrets everything about our entire relationship. I know he doesn't regret it, he is probably just mad that he didn't get his own way.
It will get better, it will just take time. I got some really good advice from my boss of all people. He said to just take it one day at a time. Do not think about tomorrow, or next week... think about today. Today is Today. Just get thru today.
Lauren
Rosie, I haven't had the chance to read all the replies yet, but the one thing we preach here is no contact, no contact, no contact.
Hello, Rosie:
It sounds to me that you did the right thing. You don't have to speak to him.
Please let us know how you're doing.
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
Hello!
How are thing going for you?
Best Regards,
BlessedGirl
hi guys
Thank you for the advice. I need people to keep reminding me that I did the right thing. Despite all the horrible things he has said or done to me I still have feelings for him and I feel guilty. Is it normal to feel guilty?
I bought the book Why does he do that? Hopefully that will help me, I'll start reading it tonight. I'll keep you guys posted.
Yes it is normal to feel guilty. You are a human and you are having normal feelings. I still feel guilty at times for stuff that I had no control over. I would apologize for him. He would never take any responsibility and he put the blame onto me. I am starting to realize that it isn't me with the problem but it is him. It is still hard for me.
I'm happy that you went out and bought the book. I was searching for it in the bookstore and I couldn't find it. I ended up getting help from an employee. She then told me it wasn't in Self-Help, but in abuse. I almost had a meltdown right there. That is when it hit me that I was in an abusive relationship. I could not stop reading my book. I would bring it to work and read it when I wasn't ready, I would go home and only read my book at my lunch break...I think I even turned down plans to read my book. I honestly could not put it down. It was such a relief in a way reading the book. Everything started to make sense to me about my abuser. I even found out what kind of abuser he was. That was a huge eye-opener. I could not deny it anymore, because it felt like I was reading about him.
It will get easier with time. But it does take time. Just keep posting. That is why we are here. We help each other get thru this. I still have days where I am sad. Don't think you are in this alone, because you are not alone. About 1 out of 4 women will be in an abusive relationship sometime in their life. You should be proud of yourself that you got out before it was too late. I am proud of you. I know how difficult it is to make that first step, but the steps soon after will follow and it will be easier.
Lauren :)