I live I die I live I die & so on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2011
I live I die I live I die & so on...
6
Mon, 08-22-2011 - 12:57pm
In a sum if I can; I was verbally, physically & emotionally abused as a child. I have never been in a healthy relationship. My current situation is; married 14 years, 2 children; a daughter from a previous marriage (she's 19), & a 13 year old son from current marriage. Was separated & almost divorced last year, I (yes I) kicked dd out of the house 1 month prior to her graduation (that's last year). I was in denial of his abuse & my abuse (enabling, & abuse) until thus past wk when I discovered dd was pregnant. It hit me that the cycle has gone on & may go on. I am depressed, my husband is in denial. I still have a son to raise. I just wish I could start completely over. I feel like a person in jail, my own jail bc of my own doing. I can't talk to husband about any of this bc of his denial, I feel alone & trapped. I am seeing a counselor. I just don't see why I should go on with life. So many regrets & should haves. Now I feel like I'm too old to start over.
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 08-22-2011 - 6:32pm

Samianne, by posting here and asking for help, you have already taken the first step in reclaiming your life and starting over, something you are NEVER too old to do.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2011
Mon, 08-22-2011 - 8:31pm
Its hard to articulate when im referring to a 15 year span. What I mean by enable is my husband verbally abused my daughter & I stayed in the relationship. He belittled her so much so that now she feels crippled. She is 19, living with her boyfriend & also really wants a baby. (why all of these feelings are coming up for me) She recently miscarried & I'm scared she will have a baby before she's ready emotionally. Anyway, after I married my h he spanked her with a belt a couple of times & left marks. He never did it again after I confronted him about it but he continued with the verbal & emotional abuse. He has mellowed a lot & is much better than before but I still don't want to be around him. He has said that all of our marital problems are her fault & he does acknowlege some things but it seems he does only to appease me. I also was very controlling with my daughter, I was very impatient with her & had high expectations. I kicked her out right after h & I got back together. She was staying out too late & she spilled something on the stairs (while house was up for sale) so I kicked her out. The truth was fear that my h would not move back in with me unless she was gone. He had said she was the reason for all of our problems. I believe I could hav handled it better & now I feel guilty for all of that. I was so close to ending the relationship with him & instead put myself right back in the middle of it. Now that reality is with me I am feeling so remorseful, regretful & hopeless. I don't love him, I want to restore things with my daughter & I don't want to lose my son. I can't imagine telling him goodbye, it's over because he loves me so much. But I'm miserable & I feel stuck. I imagine myself free all of the time. In an ideal world he would do anything to straighten all of this out but all he says is he's sorry & what do u want me to do. I am just as whimpy as he is but I dream of living independent from him all of the time. I hav learned to stand up for myself thanks to my counselor (yes she mainly works with abuse victims). He claims to hav been to the counselor once (my counselors husband). Where I'm at is stuck. Dreaming of a life I never had, not sure I'll ever be happy. He makes good $ & I grew up poor so I never wanna be poor again. $ is the thing keeping me around & fear of the unknown. I have never really loved him like I imagine true love being. Always out of obligation or fear, sometimes just because but rarely that. I am so angry with myself for allowing myself to live this way. I do feel there's little hope for a better life. I would have to say goodbye to him & I've never had the courage to do that & I certainly don't feel it now. Thx for listening.
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 08-23-2011 - 12:33am

I dont know what to say except I felt like you and I took the step..and honestly I felt my problems are replaced by another - DD decided to go back, he is controlling me through DD, money is tight. And all this when I have a job. So I can't imagine doing all this if I didn't. I would say make a plan..you dont have to do anything but if things get worse..you can execute on the plan. Your 19 year old is an adult..I feel you can't repair your relationship with her until you are out of the house. If you are not ready that is fine. I would not advise you to leave if you are not ready..because things will get worse before it will get better. For now, make a plan, if you dont have a job, get a job. The longer you stay put, the harder it will be..if your DH will go counseling, I would suggest though people say it doesnt work. But who knows - worth a try..if the alternate is divorce, he may agree. Gain knowledge, and strength..I was strong to leave..but I am not strong to do what It takes to get a divorce..like fight in court mainly due to effect on dd..if you think you can go all out, go for it. I do know there are things that are better now..i am no longer a slave to his every day nagging..but I wont be free until dd comes with me full time as I know she is going to fall into the cycle of abuse with him. So anyway..to you I would say, make a plan, get financial independence and if he does get worse, you can have him leave and you stay in house..and have him support you. That is what I should have done..good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 08-23-2011 - 11:49am

No one can ever "go back and start over"!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2011
Tue, 08-23-2011 - 11:51am
What do you mean by have a plan? As in where to go before I decide to leave? As in have a lawyer? I felt so much stronger when I was younger. Now I feel weak & unable to make a decision. I see things visually. I see myself in a tight circle, I see h right ousted my circle & my friends & family outside that circle. I see God above but not beside me. I still can't see myself alone in this state with my family so far away. It seems impossible to leave but it is killing me to be around him. He has said he would apologize to my dd. I think if that goes bad I'm done. Thanks for your input. I understand that problems are always there. But I want to just be free to come & go & do, I feel very selfish for feeling that way. Thx again..
Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Tue, 08-23-2011 - 4:30pm

Hi, my name is Karen and I am a survivor of childhood incest.

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