I love him but I shouldn't (LONG)
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| Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:13pm |
I think I may be in the right board. I don't want to admit that this is the board for me though...
Me and my fiance have been together almost 5 years, come this August. We have a soon the be 3 year old daughter whom came rather quickly,unexpectedly to us.
Background on us is this; I am a single child. I grew up with a single mother. She has always been emtionaly unstable. Not so much that she couldn't take care of me or herself but depression and allowing people to walk all over her, and her taking the blame of things that can't possibly be her fault, but she is unstable. She's in counseling once more thank the Lord. I would do anything for my mother in order to make her happy. SHe has sacrificed so much for me and tried her best all of my life. My father however, after their divorce when I was 2 years old, quickly turned into an alcoholic. He is a funtioning alcoholic, always has been, a darn hard worker, but an alcohollic none the less. It runs in the family on his side, alcoholism. He was semi abusive to me yet, now when I think back on it, it was more that he was just a bit more firmer in his punishments then most. I don't really remember him being as bad as my grandmother telling me he was. he was in his own toxic relationship/codependent relationship at that time way back when and THAT woman was abusive to me. Anyway, after being with him for years my mother finaly got me back. She met and fell in love with my now step-father a little over 12 years ago and things are great for her. She still has her pitfalls in depression, and is currently in a stupid silent treatment fight with my step brother's wife but other then that she is happy and healthy and I am so glad she has someone to take care of her. Today, I haven't spoken to my father since January 4th. I tried once more back in early March but he basicly stayed mad at me for what, I have no idea because he won't tell me, and hung up on me then calling my mother and telling her he had no daughter. Then taking it back and reminding her to tell me that if I needed anything then to call him...
Before I turn this post into a post on the wrong board let me turn to my fiance. He is a single child like me. He was also brought up by a single parent, and like me, was shipped back and forth from mom to dad. His mom was a hard worker, coming from a hard background herself and was emotionaly vacant when it came to her son. And even today, I can tell that she subconsiously resents the fact that he was born a boy and not q girl. I believe the 2 times I've ever heard her tell him she loved him was about like telling him "Your shoe is untied." SHe has a problem with all men that go way back... His faher, even though he readily showed love for his son, lived with his mother untill he was 40 years old. He could never hold down a job and could never quite take it upon himself to discipline his son. It wasn't untill 10 years ago that he met a woman that turned his life around. He sought medical help and found out he had some form of thyroid that helped cause his problems and found a wonderful job and married this woman. Today, they are excellently living a life they both can be proud of.
Now on to us. I love him, I do, and there could never be another. I've left him before and couldn't bare being away from him. When I met him, I had come out of a relationship that had been a real burner on me. I wasn't in love with the guy I found that out eventualy but my trust in him as a friend was ruined by him stealing from me and ruining my credit for the next few years. Then right after that reltionship I did something with my step brother that has caused us to loose the close relationship we once had to disapear. I went into a downward spiral for a good 8 months and became a pillhead, doing any and every pill I got my hands on. Lucky for me I had a determined mother that was not going to let her only daughter fall into a place she had once been and she helped me seek help and counseling on that itself. There are other circumstances that I can say that helped to cause me to seek a drug life but this is really too long already.
Anyway, I met my fiance when he was 25 years old and I was 21. Yeah, we were, and still are young, for having gone through what we have before we knew each other. He had moved in with his mother for two reasons; one because she needed the help on rent in or condo, and two, because he needed the help on rent as well so he could afford child support. He has a now 7 year old daughter. He doesn't have a college education which is ok but in a big city like Houston, Texas, it's hard to find a better job then flipping Burger's at McDonald's. I fell for him instantly though and he for me. Almost like love at first sight although I know in the beginning I was just really attracted to him. But love came quickly. At this time, he was jut like his father, however he always made sure that child support check was sent and he still does. Was the only responsibility he seemed to be able to master. I was living with my mother and step-father at the time, working and trying to get ready to begin college once more. We moved into together eventualy and he worked but it was hard to get him to. Like I said, he was a lot like his father had once been at this time.
Let's fast forward since I've made this so long already. oday, he holds down an incredible job that seemed like a gift for him learning how to be responsible. It was hard for him, but he finaly did it and i'm so proud of him. He makes good money doing something he loves to do and he's respected by his co worker's. In fact, he's in a managament position as well as soon to be made a partner in the company. I am a stay at home mom right now. This is going to change as it's taking a major toll on me but that's another story.
We have major problems. Communication is our worst. We can never seem to communicate. Our fights were so bad there that name calling was apart of it, horrible curseing, and things being thrown at the wall and broken constantly. Holes int he walls, etc... And we've even been physical. I can't say nothing too serious as all physical fighting is serious but he's never hit me. Once, when we were fighting and i was leaving and had shut him "out" he grabbed me and forced me onto the bed and held me down untill I calmed down to talk. He never hurt me during that time. Another time, he pulled me by my hair out of the car so I wouldn't leave. I've hit him in the back after he tried to lock me in from leaving and wouldn't give me the phone. Then the only other time he's hurt me was when we had drank the night before. He could easily become an alcoholic if he had the money to I can tell you that. We never drink though. It's such a rare occassion but the few times that we have and the alcohol was readily there, he drinks to access almost to the point I'm afraid he'll get poisoning. One time we had a party at night. We were supposed to et up the next morning and get the baby and go somewhere. He drank all night, to access, and did not go to bed untill 6 in the morning and we were to be up by 9. He was still drunk when I went to wake him. This angered me, and I admit I need anger management because my temper is explosive so instead of just letting him sleep it off, I pushed and proded him awake and did intentionaly make him angry. And he was still drunk from the night before. Blah blah blah, that morning he bit me on my hip, drawing blood through my jeans and slapped me. The slap was minor, I barely felt it but this was the first time, to me, that he had done something so "out there" like my dad's ex girlfriend would do. He regrest it to this day, and if I wanted to, all I have to do is bring this up and I could us eit for manipulation of guilt on him. I don't of course. But that was the worst we had ever got. That was also years ago. Our fights since then consisted of hoels in walls and name calling, etc...
Recently I have been on a religious road and have found the Lord. ANd this has helped me in our relationship. At least for me. I no longer get so angry, I no longer raise my voice and I don't use names or throw things. Now, that's not to say I don't do it because he's pushed me and I've allowed myself to act that way but these days, it's just him. He has no respect for me I feel and I know that my respect for him is not as there as it should be. Our biggest problem is the communication. We can never be on the same wave length it seems, always taking what another said the wrong way, always causing a fight. I can't talk to him when he's doing anything on the computer because he says this is me bugging him and I hsould no better untill he's finished. Yet he feels what I do on the computer is not as important. I create computer graphics, web design, and my art on this thing. He just plays his stupid DOD game. Yes, his work is on the computer, it is the computer since he works in wireless internet service. But he p0lays his game on our computer mostly. I feel like he's not holding up to his responsibility as a father very well. It's like unless he wants to have a daughter, he finds out daughter a simple annoyance. I feel like all he does is eat, sleep, go to work, play DOD, and have sex. Our sex life is great and unaffected by anything we've ever done... He always lets me know that he loves me though, always says nice things to me on a daily basis, when we aren't fighting. He calls me beautiful, tells me I'm sexy, how much he loves me and his children, is always hugging on me and trying to be playfull. And another thing, when we fight, I hold grudges and I'm trying to teach myself not to. he gets over any fight we have after 5 minutes! I can't do tha and sometimes I don't feel like that we should do that.
When he's not telling me how great I am, he's telling me how bad of a house keeper I am or how I don't pay enough attention to our daughter during the day as he may find some computer parts he left sitting out somewhere else that she obviously got into. Well, don't leave your computer parts laying about in the living room so that a 2 year old can find! I'm depressed all the time and on some days I'm not. On the days that I am, the hosue suffers. It's true. I barley manage to make sure my daughter is fed and happy. I never get dressed after being here all day and I'm here all day everyday, 24/7. He leaves for work and sicne his schedule is his own, is gone from around 9 in the morning to 9 at night. He hangs out at his boss' house, his boss being a friend to him too, and talks or whatever. He'll run over toanother friend's house or whatever and granted, it's almost always because he is getting paid for something, or getting computer parts or something. But he still manages to get out everyday to hang out with real people that can speak coherently and have an intelligent conversation. I'm stuck here with no car, no phone as we only have the cell phone and he takes that with him for work, and a 2 year old to keep me company. The computer is my only link tot he world. I go to a weekly religious group for 2 hours on Tuesday's but to me, that is hardly enough. It's like he can't seem to understand the cabin fever I have. When he gets home, I'm chattering away, happy to see him, happy to see any adult and all he wants to do is lay back and watch tv and gets so annoyed that I can't just leave him alone when he gets home for an hour to relax after work. I'm always cooking for him and the baby, always getting him this or doing that. I'm going insane in this house and have been since our daughter was one year's old. She'll be three in June. Our fighting these days have toned down alot, I'll give it that but it's there and when it is it's bad. We're supposed to be getting married this June. I'm not sure this is hte best course. We need counseling so bad and he's agreed to go but we don't have insurance and can't afford it and there isn't any free counseling here. My mother lives in another state and I can't afford a babysitter so I can get out there and work. And this also means I can't go back to school! And htis just hurts me so. now, he supported me while I was in school and pushed for me to continue when I decided I had to take a semester off becuase of our daughter. Now, because of his schedule that is not an eveyrday thing, I can't go back. I know he can make his schedule more routine, maybe not all the way as he can't trust that a customer wants their internet installed between the hours of 9AM and 5 PM. Or if the tower goes down and he is the one that is supposed to go out there to reboot it. But I know he can routine it a little more then he does. I'm so miserable here with him. I love him so much but can't bare to leave him yet, I resent him half the time. I have no where to go if I did as my mother couldn't afford to come and "rescue" me and I have no job so can't afford to support myself. But is this why I stay? I have left him before and it hurt so much to be without him that I nearly foamed at the mouth to have him back. And he pursues me anyway when I leave, he won't let me leave now. Well, now, if I chose to leave he wouldn't stop me, but he wouldn't be civil about it. I don't know what to do, what my course of action should be. He'll never understand me, never listen to anything I have to say. When I try to talk t him, he always gets defensive and tells me I'm trying to start a figh with him. He tells me it's all in my head about his respect of me and what not that it's just my depression talking. He tells me he is supportive of me and everything and I just need to get over my issues. I'm not afraid of him, I never have been. One thing my dad taught me growing up was how to defend myself against a bigger oponet and I am fully confident that if I needed to, I could take him down quickly. That's bad to say but it's how I feel. I do have a fear though. And it's that one day, I am going to push him in a fight so much that he is going to haul off and punch the crap out of me. I don't fear him or the pain, I just fear us getting that far. His mother always told me that he has always had this rage building underneath him that he never let out. ANd before you ask, no, our daughter never sees our fights. Seems we've always managed to do it when she wasn't here or was in bed. She is a very happy go luck child and always ready to hug or be hugged.
I love him so much, and I do feel his love for me, but is love enough in this relationship?
Well, that's my VERY long story and thank you for reading.

I wouldn't recommend showing him the post either, or even letting him know you're spending time here.