Welcome, I am also kind of new in this board but it has already helped me realize that I am living in an busive relationship, just like you are. My husband behaves as bad as yours, even though our children belong o him too. He can joke about his children not being his and say all kind of nasty things in front of them. I even realized that my 10 years old son quots him. and I have to discipline my son when the 10 year old tells me that why I tell him that it is not nice to laugh at somebody when dad laughs too. You are not crazy, you are just cought like me in a bad relationship. I also think that if I could manage easyly economicaly I would be living, but it is not so easy speclialy after so many years. Thanks to this boards and the books they recommended I finaly understand why I was feeling depressed and why everytime he talks to me in a sarcastic way I get a strange feeling in my head and a migrane right after. If you don't want to live your husband you need to learn to put your limits and be assertive. It is not easy but it has its rewards. One more thing I learned is that due to all the verbal abuse I started to react badly to people that enoy me. I had a feeling that I was not being my calm, kind and respectful self, it is like his beaviour was stiking to me, this are the bad things that happned to us and make it hard to live the relationship. so at least being aware helps to realize that you are not crazy but a victim of the circumstances and the best you can do is stop feeling like a victim and start actim like a surviver.
{{{{{Dani}}}}}It is abuse honey, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not fair. I can relate totally. My H didn't come into the marriage with kids, but I did and I have to hear about it constantly. We have a daughter that will be 3 in December and she too totally adores her Daddy. H berates my 13 year old constantly and every time anything goes wrong, it is automatically either my or her fault. My Mom says that he doesn't know how to function in a "family" and she doubts that he ever will. I know it's hard, I haven't been able to leave myself because of some of the same issues you face (not enough money, 3 year old loves Daddy). I kicked him out a couple of months ago and things have been better since then. I'm no fool, I know it won't last but I'm enjoying what peace there is for now and I'll deal with it when he goes back to being abusive, hopefully by then I will be strong enough to stay away from him for good. The information and posts here are excellent, they have helped me gain insight that I didn't have before. I am working on becoming stronger and not taking crap from anyone. It's a slow process for me, but I'm hopeful for a better tomorrow. I can't offer any advice because I am stuck in the same situation as you are, but I will offer support and a shoulder to cry on and listen when you want to rant and rave.
Hello Dani...I popped down here from another board called, "Domestic Abuse, New Beginnings". I read your story and it hit me so hard. I stayed with my abuser for so long..too long...and my children were hurt mentally, emotionally and verbally too many times by their father. My situation differs in the fact that my children's father is their biological father..but out situation is the exact same where there are children that are being affected by abuse. As hard as it is on us..and trust me I know how terribly hard it is...its super hard on those kids...those kids who just deserve to be kids and have happy, wonderful, positive memories of their childhoods. Even though he is not physically abusing you and your children..he is DEFINATLY without hesitation abusing you and yours emotionally and verbally. Very similiar to the type of abuse I suffered. This abuse is just as wrong and just as painful and just as DAMAGING as physical abuse. I remained with my abuser because I didn't want to put my children through a divorce. I didn't want to hurt them that way. I wanted them to have a perfect life with a perfect family. Truth is...there was nothing perfect about it...and truth is...I was hurting them more by staying and allowing them to believe that "that" was what a marriage was all about. I looked at my now 11 year old son (whose name is Cody by the way) and thought of how proud I am of him and what a good kid he is and then I had visions of him with a wife years down the road..and a wife that he mistreated, disrespected and verbally and emotionally abused. How proud could I be of my son then?? How proud could I be of raising a son who thought it was normal and ok to treat a woman this way?? I felt sorry for a woman (a daughter in law) whom I didn't know...a woman whom many years down the road ...would feel the pain I was feeling!! I couldn't allow my son to cause another woman that type of pain. I also have an 8 year old daughter who of course I am very proud of as well...and was horrified to think that she was watching and learning how a man should treat his wife. I didn't want that for my daughter...I was horrified when I thought years down the road..she too would feel the horrible, helpless and overwhelming feeling of being abused by the man who is supposed to love her, respect her and treasure her...NOT degrade her, humiliate her, and strip away every bit of her happiness and self worth she has! I wanted MORE for my kids. I was afraid of tearing our family apart with a divorce...but began to be more afraid of allowing the cycle of abuse to continue in my children that I love more than anything. I want the best for my children...as most of us mom's do. I know you want the best for your children too..I can tell how much you love them by reading your post. Please don't allow that man to degrade you and your children anymore. If there are things holding you there such as finances...safety...this board can help you by providing resources and infomation and best of all ..it can provide you with support, understanding and caring people who know exactly what you are going through..and what you are feeling. You are not alone.... I apologize for making this so lengthy...I haven't posted to this board for a long time...but I too began at this board..telling my story and reaching for help..just like you are. I just celebrated my 3rd year of freedom from my abuser. There have been some difficult times...financially...emotionally...but my gosh..I'm free!! My children are going to grow up and know that we need to treat are loved ones with respect and dignity!! A favorite quote of mine from Dr. Phil is (and i know not everyone likes "Phil" but I think this quote is HUGE... "It's better for children to COME from a broken home, then to be LIVING in a broken home". I hope you and your children are having a peaceful day (evening) and keep posting to this board as you need...they are such a great support group...and we understand some of the pain you are feeling..we really do.
Welcome,
I am also kind of new in this board but it has already helped me realize that I am living in an busive relationship, just like you are. My husband behaves as bad as yours, even though our children belong o him too. He can joke about his children not being his and say all kind of nasty things in front of them. I even realized that my 10 years old son quots him. and I have to discipline my son when the 10 year old tells me that why I tell him that it is not nice to laugh at somebody when dad laughs too.
You are not crazy, you are just cought like me in a bad relationship. I also think that if I could manage easyly economicaly I would be living, but it is not so easy speclialy after so many years. Thanks to this boards and the books they recommended I finaly understand why I was feeling depressed and why everytime he talks to me in a sarcastic way I get a strange feeling in my head and a migrane right after.
If you don't want to live your husband you need to learn to put your limits and be assertive. It is not easy but it has its rewards.
One more thing I learned is that due to all the verbal abuse I started to react badly to people that enoy me. I had a feeling that I was not being my calm, kind and respectful self, it is like his beaviour was stiking to me, this are the bad things that happned to us and make it hard to live the relationship. so at least being aware helps to realize that you are not crazy but a victim of the circumstances and the best you can do is stop feeling like a victim and start actim like a surviver.
take care
Welcome to the board Dani....
Like the other two ladies told you, this IS abuse and you are always more than welcome to come here to post, vent, or even release tears.
I remained with my abuser because I didn't want to put my children through a divorce. I didn't want to hurt them that way. I wanted them to have a perfect life with a perfect family. Truth is...there was nothing perfect about it...and truth is...I was hurting them more by staying and allowing them to believe that "that" was what a marriage was all about. I looked at my now 11 year old son (whose name is Cody by the way) and thought of how proud I am of him and what a good kid he is and then I had visions of him with a wife years down the road..and a wife that he mistreated, disrespected and verbally and emotionally abused. How proud could I be of my son then?? How proud could I be of raising a son who thought it was normal and ok to treat a woman this way?? I felt sorry for a woman (a daughter in law) whom I didn't know...a woman whom many years down the road ...would feel the pain I was feeling!! I couldn't allow my son to cause another woman that type of pain. I also have an 8 year old daughter who of course I am very proud of as well...and was horrified to think that she was watching and learning how a man should treat his wife. I didn't want that for my daughter...I was horrified when I thought years down the road..she too would feel the horrible, helpless and overwhelming feeling of being abused by the man who is supposed to love her, respect her and treasure her...NOT degrade her, humiliate her, and strip away every bit of her happiness and self worth she has! I wanted MORE for my kids. I was afraid of tearing our family apart with a divorce...but began to be more afraid of allowing the cycle of abuse to continue in my children that I love more than anything. I want the best for my children...as most of us mom's do. I know you want the best for your children too..I can tell how much you love them by reading your post. Please don't allow that man to degrade you and your children anymore. If there are things holding you there such as finances...safety...this board can help you by providing resources and infomation and best of all ..it can provide you with support, understanding and caring people who know exactly what you are going through..and what you are feeling. You are not alone....
I apologize for making this so lengthy...I haven't posted to this board for a long time...but I too began at this board..telling my story and reaching for help..just like you are. I just celebrated my 3rd year of freedom from my abuser. There have been some difficult times...financially...emotionally...but my gosh..I'm free!! My children are going to grow up and know that we need to treat are loved ones with respect and dignity!!
A favorite quote of mine from Dr. Phil is (and i know not everyone likes "Phil" but I think this quote is HUGE... "It's better for children to COME from a broken home, then to be LIVING in a broken home".
I hope you and your children are having a peaceful day (evening) and keep posting to this board as you need...they are such a great support group...and we understand some of the pain you are feeling..we really do.