I miss him..long
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| Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:18pm |
I was hoping someone could help me on this board. 2nd_life from the Toxic Relationships board has sent me over here. She say's y'all will understand what I'm going through and can help me cope.
After three years of what I believe was a toxic relationship I have found the strength to kick him out. He was not physically abusive but was always blaming me for the things he did wrong (ie. flirting with other girls, staying out all night, making me change who I was). I had to see therapists, I was constantly crying, and even went so far as to make changes in my birth control because he said I was having hormonal problems. We never fought because he would walk out and in desperation to keep my relationship I would bury my anger deep inside. He was very manipulative and I let him be. I let him get away with everything.
When I met exbf I had come from a serious relationship (that had ended about a year earlier) because of the my ways (I was quite spoiled and young). So naturally, at the beginning of this relationship, I knew there were things about how I was that I needed to change. It wasn't until we were about six months into it that I realized that maybe it wasn't just me. I slowly began to realize (as did everyone around me and of course I didn't listen) that alot of his demands for me to change were unreasonable. If I asked him to modify the way he acted (for example his flirty nature) he would absolutely refuse. Well..the further we got into the relationship, he did manage to change a little.
My family was never really fond of him, like I said he made me cry alot (and even then he said I was just too sensitive), they put up with him because of me. I have no friends anymore because they thought I picked him over them. I know alot of the reason I stayed was that I was insecure about myself. I just don't know how to change.
I had recently got on depression medication about four months ago and noticed a drastic change in my self esteem, I wasn't so worried about my weight, what people thought of me, nor was I as self-critical of myself. It was then when the problems began to start with him and he left. I think one of the reasons I was FINALLY about to let go was because of my medication.
He just recently walked out on me saying he loved me but wasn't in love with me, etc. He also came back to me saying he had made a mistake and wanted me back and I let him. Two weeks later he left me again. It was then that I decided to take his name of the lease and live by myself. Last Saturday he came to pick up his stuff once and for all. After three years of this I have decided that I deserve better.
Last night he came by to give me the key. I've been so good at this no contact thing, but he came knocking at my door. But he didn't ask to stay and didn't beg for me back. It took all I had not to ask him to stay myself. I put on a brave face and was strong for myself. As bad as this relationship was and how grateful I should be that he's not interested in me anymore, I miss him terribly. I cried after he left. I feel so unwanted and so rejected. I know he won't be around anymore and this is it.
Can anyone give me any encouraging thoughts or any thoughts on how not to break down in tears at work?

Hi there!
Let me start by saying, I was in the exact same situation you're in now. My ex was exactly like your ex only he WAS ABUSIVE. Mentally and sometimes physically as well. He used to cheat on me and tell me about the girls that he'd have sex with and somehow turn it around to make it my fault.
Just know that you did the right thing by taking his name off of the lease. I did that too with my ex and he got really irate. My reason for doing it is that he wouldn't pay any rent and I wanted him out! He finally left but he made it very ugly. To this day I don't speak to him.
Think about the way he's made you feel. Think about how you had to go on meds. for this guy who's mistreated you. Think that there is someone out there much better than him who will treat you will all the kindness and respect that you deserve. You will not find him until you get this guy out of your system so I suggest you work on yourself. Seek a Therapist if you have to. Read self help books, they really help. Above all, spend time with people who really care, your family, contact old friends, who knows, they might be waiting on you to tell them that you've dumped the jerk. It will be okay. You'll be fine. Just don't go back to him, no matter how much you miss him. Time heals all wounds.
Aggie, please know you ARE on the right board, this is a support forum for domestic abuse and your boyfriend was most definitely abusive. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how hard it is. I know you know that the r'ship ending was the right thing to happen, but that doesn't make it easy. Changes are hard, whether they're good changes or bad changes, so remember that. Remember too that this feeling won't last forever, you'll get through it, it'll hurt less and less until it finally stops hurting. It'll happen, just hang on and stay strong. You did really good by acting like nothing was wrong, I know that was hard. I think it would be a really good thing to not have contact with him anymore. He's picked up his clothes and dropped off his key, that should do it, no more contact, huh? Everytime you see him you're opening yourself up for more hurt, and you're opening yourself up for the danger of getting back with him too. Keep yourself as far away from those dangers as you can. Kind of like staying away from sweets when you're dieting, your diet here is "shedding him" so to make sure you lose it, steer clear, lol! Be sure to read the homepage and read through the other posts too, it'll really help.
I hate crying at work, just hate it. I'd love to tell you something that will keep that from happening, but I don't know what that would be. I'm sure you're already staying as busy as you can and avoiding putting yourself in situations that will have you breaking down. Keep the Kleenex handy, take frequent bathroom breaks when you feel like you can't hold the tears away any longer, turn the water on, put a paper towel to your face and cry (quietly, you'd hate for your co-workers to be knocking on the door asking if you're all right). Sometimes letting it out is the best thing you can do. Can you tell your co-workers that you've broken up with your boyfriend? Letting them know might ease the pressure to put on a brave front and will help them understand if you get a little teary. A little sympathy and understanding go a long ways.
I hope you get more responses, I know how it feels when you put yourself out there and don't get feedback. Huge hugs, Aggie. Stay strong. Know you'll get through this and know that ending it was the right thing to do. You'll get through this, the good times are coming.
Give it time, babe.
Thank you everyone for your responses! I feel much better.
I am trying the no contact, I haven't called him or anything, he just showed up at my door unexpectedly and I tried to keep it nice and short.
I'm glad I posted, I feel that y'all understand everything I'm going through.
I cried all day yesterday and when I came to work today my boss asked me if I had been out all night..lol! My eyes were all puffy. But he knows what's going on and told me to hang in there.
And you're right it is quite a change. I wake up every morning at 4:00 am oddly enough thinking about him, so its cutting into my sleeping, but I'm hanging in there.
I've started taking a yoga class and this weekend I'm going to visit an old friend to get out of town. It should do me some good.
Thanks again!