I Must Have Done Something Wrong
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| Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:12am |
I must be doing something wrong, as a mother. Do kids ever tend to side with an abuser? I'm wondering with my 7 yr old. She and her dad are very close. Even as a baby she prefered him, I first noticed it when she was about 18 months old, she wouldn't let me get her dressed if daddy was there, she wanted daddy to do everything.
She has seen him hit me, throw things at me, treat me like dirt. Why does she side with him. We are divorced now, and she doesn't want to ever come back to me after a weekend with daddy. It is always daddy. She calls daddy to pick her up early, she calls him again after she comes home from the visit.
She would do this kind of stuff when we were married. She would cling to him and wouldn't want him to leave for work. She still clings to him after visits with him, she has crying fits that can last for hours about wanting to be at daddy's.
I have a 5 yr old that doesn't really care which house she is at. She transitions fine.
I am reading these posts and it seems like most of the time the kid doesn't want to go with the abuser. Mine sides with him. She doesn't want to be with me. I really must be doing something wrong.
Do kids ever side with an abuser?

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That's a really good question.
Hi Jodyann,
While I don't have an answer for you, I've actually thought the same thing at times, but then I start thinking that they are just kids and their own self-preservation instinct has them subconsciously overlook any problems. Esp. at 7 years they are not old enough to remember the fighting etc.
In my case I have 19 year old who my DH also tried to control (tried to prevent her from starting Kindergarten, tried to prevent her from learning how to drive, etc.) In all those cases, I stuck up for my daughter, and she was able to get the freedom that I've never had. She knows he is controlling too but whenever my DH has issues with me, my daughter has the nerve to agree with him that I am crazy and need mental help. I just suck it up for her sake, because one day (I hope) that when she matures and looks back she will realize that I always fought for her independences, and even if she doesn't ever acknowledge that I was there for her, I will go to my grave knowing that I did for her what I could not do for myself.
Good luck,
I will definately have to read that book. That sounds like my situation. I'm just reading these other posts and it seems usually the child doesn't want to be around the NCP. I'm trying to work things out in my mind why things have gotten this bad.
I really think he intentionally tries to turn the kids against me. He really just works on the oldest, she is the favorite. My youngest one has a strong bond to me, but she also tends to follow what she sees her older sister do. Sometimes the youngest doesn't want to go to daddy's.
Most of the time, when the ex and I would fight, he would run out the door with the kids. Like he is the protector, and I'm the mean mommy. Or he would run into another room with the kids and say things like "mommy is not on her meds." (I'm not bipolar or anything btw, he would just say things like that.) He always made me out to be the crazy one. I think my oldest sided with him because she sees him as the one in control. I would always end up crying or whatever, and he shows no emotion, other than anger. When I was seeing a DV counselor, she told me my oldest sides with him instinctively, since he is the one she sees as having power and control of things.
He says things to turn the kids against me. For example, he was Santa Claus this year and the kids didn't bring any of the toys they got back to my house. He told them I would throw them away. Or he says in front of them, the kids dont' want to come back to you, or "the kids won't be with you much longer."
Thank you for posting. I'm trying to work on myself to get stronger. Jody.
Gentle hugs jodyann! No, you are not doing anything wrong as a mother. Yes, many times children do side with the abuser, but not always for the reason you may think!
First, your children are young and are not yet able to see right and wrong in a more adult light. Sadly, you have to remember that abusers are master manipulators, they manipulate everyone including their children. Abuse is all about having total control and power over another and nothing else matters to them. So he is manipulating them just as he did you. He is conditioning them just as he conditioned you. He will do what he feels he needs to, to keep his control over everyone in his life.
Like sweetdreams said, the most important thing for you to focus on now is your rebuilding of self-worth, self-esteem and self-respect for that beautiful lady in the mirror. By strengthening yourself, you will strengthen your knowledge and how to deal with all this. You are not in any way a bad mother, it's just that someone has found a way to use your love in a way to hold you in self-doubt and confusion for a long time.
Strengthen yourself, and hold to your path. The stronger you become within yourself, the more you will be able to help your children. If you don't, he will make sure that you stay confused for as long as possible, thus keeping you from finding peace and happiness dispite him and his abuse.
In time, as they get older, you children will start to recognize who truely loves them and who is playing games in order to keep everything in confusion and frustration. Many parents here who have gotten free, have worked on healing themselves first and then have a clearer mind to help their children, will tell you just how important that it is to keep sanity in your mind overall.
So try to get the focus onto you, get your strength, learn all you can as educated decisions will win out over emotional decisions every time. While he will say many things to make you look like the bad one, in time the children will see that what he is saying, just isn't true, unless you allow him to keep you so upset and off balance that it looks more like a puppet show with him pulling your strings. Don't play into his games anymore. Let time show everyone that he is nothing but empty promises and misleading trusts.
The hard part to realize when it comes to young children, is that what they have seen, is to them what is normal. If you want mommy to do this or that, you hit her or you scream at her. It's not that your child will become an abuser too, although it sometimes does happen as it is a choice, all she is doing is treating you the same way he did because to her, that's how it's done. This is where by you having a more loving and structured home for them, they will in time see that this is NOT how you treat mommy. It will take time, but just remember, kids mimic what they see. They don't see abuse, all they see is how it should be done because it's all they've ever seen. You can change that with time and educated decisions. And never ever allow either of you to have a confrontation in front of the children, as that would only strengthen their ideas of how it all works.
Keep posting here, asking here, learning here. Stay true to yourself, stay true to your path to freedom.
Remember, our greatest revenge is living a life of happiness and love dispite them.
Hugs
Edited 3/12/2005 10:56 pm ET ET by buffphone
joel steinberg's daughter, the one he killed, clung to him all the time.
remember that.
Thank you for your post. I need the encouraging words to keep me going. This has been tough mainly because he sees them so often. He has them Fri-Sun night, every week, so they spend a good portion of the week at his house. I can't keep the kids away from his influence. Most Sunday nights are a struggle. I have court ordered joint custody, and I've done everything I can legally to reduce his time with them etc, without success.
Hugs jodyann! I don't know if you are doing this yet, but keep a journal of what you hear from your children as far as like Christmas and you'd take their toys. Quietly keep one if you haven't already, document everything that is related to his abuse. Also, if your attourny is not trained in abuse, find one who is.
Also, as sweetdreams said and I will again say, get the focus onto you and start healing yourself. The stronger you become as far as knowledge, traits and the tactics he will use, it will only make all of this easier on you and your children. Quietly check at shelters, hospitals and local assistance services, and see if there are any trained abuse counselors who you can see.
While like many who share custody, you cannot always control what they hear at his home, what he is doing to try and sway their loyalty to him or any other tactic, you can keep track of them and many courts will consider what you have written down to help the children.
Abusers will do anything to keep from being found out. They put far more energy into keeping their abuse a secret to all, than they will put into anything else. Do not be surprised if many friends and associates do not understand or offer much help as if you have not lived in it, you just can't understand it's dynamics. In time he will slip up, he will expose himself for what he truely is, an abuser. In time your children will see you far happier away from him, they will see how you care in a different way than he, in time many children follow the survivor over the abuser just because a survivor in healing is more likely than not the home of a greater happiness and security.
And again, remember, your children will treat you much the way he did because that is all they have ever known. Daddy hit mommy or yelled at mommy to get her to do things, so this must be how it is done in the world. Once you start healing and can show them that not every Daddy hits their Mommy's, not every Daddy yells to get Mommy to do something, they will start to change. They are too young to talk to them about this, they just wouldn't be able to understand. Your actions will speak much louder than words once you refocus onto you and start to regain your self esteem, worth and self image. So don't allow yourself to be tricked into showing a response to his abuse any more. The more he can make you crazy, the easier he has it showing all the world how you're the abusive one.
Misdirection is another great tactic to keep the spotlight of their abusive ways.
Hugs
Joel Steinberg? I didn't hear about that.-----------
jodyannrn, joel steinberg was the man who was convicted of killing his adoptive daughter. he was common-law with hedda nussbaum. he recently got out of prison in ny. they lived in greenwich village. he horribly abused hedda and did awful things to their daughter, lisa, who died from his (their) abuse.
children will often cling to the parental figure who abuses them. they try to behave to well and to endear the abuser to them so that the pain won't keep happening.
there are psychological studies on this as well. monkeys who are abused by mother-figure monkeys made of wire, who will shock them will electric shocks... they will cling to the source of the pain. it's not love, it's a primal need that is many times inexplicable.
of all the materials i've read, there is no real explanation for this but the need to try to make it better...
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