I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
I need advice
7
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 10:20am

I am so afraid of doing the wrong thing that will end up hurting me and my son. I wish I understood the psychology of AHLs to understand why he does what he does. But please help me here.....

The situation:
He has of course abused me physically, mentally, emotionally, and has committed every crime possible in a marriage. He siphoned off his paychecks for two years, and part of mine as well, coming to my estimated total of over 100k in money I never saw. He emptied out all accounts as soon as he heard I filed for divorce, taking approximately 30k in cash. He refused to pay any child support, though now I know he has a very good paying job. He left me with 70k in debt and approx. 11k in household items (the estimated value of what I have in my possession, pretty pathetic for the income coming in for the last two years) and a house that has only 1 year of equity which is almost worthless. Now he says the house is worth at least 100k more than it was a year ago though the housing market is slow and this is illogical. He says my car is worth 20k more than I paid, not even mentioning that I financed it. And he says my house is filled with antiques that he purchased for me (what a sweet guy huh?). The truth is that I have a single wood bench from his mother that may be 20 years old and is a bit broken and worn. I would have given it away to charity if not for the division of property. All other property amounts to nothing more than pressboard furniture that is falling apart because it had been dismantled twice and put together again. Most what I have here is old and torn or broken. He says this trash is worth 100k.

The choices:
It seems clear the courts are on my side. However, I will have to pay an appraiser to come over and verify that I have told the truth. I also have to pay the extra court fees for him challenging me. A bit unfair I think. What we have asked for is the following:
500 a month in child support
20k in division of property (partly to make up the debt he left me with)

What do I do?
If I go after him to enforce any order, I get the money but he may want revenge and also find other ways to torment me.
If I drop it and ask to just take what I have and not ask for more (including child support) he may go away forever.

Problem is that when I go after him for money, he indeed gets angry and tries to do worse to me. When I let things go he takes it as encouragement that nothing will happen to him and tries to do worse to me. But which is the worse scenerio? Being passive doesn't seem to help with abusive men. Being proactive also doesn't seem to work with abusive men. What can I do and not think that he will come after me like a madman? This fear is based on experience. I saw how horrible and ugly he could be and how he looked at me like he was on the verge of killing me back when he knocked me across a table breaking my ribs. And that was while I was pleading and apologizing. What do you think he would do if I was agressively taking action?

I'm afraid but which do you think will make him back down and leave me alone? What is the psychology of these maniacs? Someone once told me he has the same personality type of a cold blooded criminal and I think they are right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: hglucky
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 10:43am
It practically sounds like you are in a darned if you dont and darned if you do situation.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 11:36am
We're always trying to get in these guys heads and figure out what the heck they are thinking.
Avatar for debbe1959
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 4:45pm
First of all-- GET A PROTECTION ORDER!!! This will start the ball rolling! It will get your local police and sheriff's Departments involved. Get some "Legal Aid" advice and make sure you tell them that he has assaulted you! Then call your local battered women's shelter for an advocate-- these women are trained to help you in every area of domestic violence! I have done all of these things and am living a life free from abuse! Yeah, I inherited his debts, but not him! I count myself very blessed to be able to work on the "clean up details" of this once-living nightmare. After you do these other things, ask Legal Aid's advice on helping you waive some of the debts, without declaring banctrupcy-- hopefully! Please keep us posted and stay SAFE!! Hope this helps?!?!? Deb
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 12:58am

Excellent advice certainly. I have already placed a restraining order on him back in November. He has broken it by emailing and phone calling several times harrassing me, but whatever. The RO is lifted automatically once the division of property is finished and won't be reestablished unless he does something again after that date.

The judge called my lawyer yesterday to discuss the letter received with his claims that I am sitting on a gold mine and he wants more. Funny that the judge has only called MY lawyer to get information and not his. Probably because he knows he will get honest, straightforward information and not a bunch of lies. He told her he wanted to schedule the division of property session for September and see if an agreement can be reached. He very clearly told her that he is trying to avoid wasted costs on me as much as possible and didn't want to ask an appraiser unless AHL continues being a collossal AHL (now known as CAHL).

And regarding counseling, I have been receiving it since December. Unfortunately nobody seems to have a crystal ball to tell me what will happen if I do this or that. That is the most frustrating thing and the only reason I care to know what CAHL is thinking. Otherwise I would have nothing to do with CAHL's sick, twisted mind.

One further complication in this mess is that I am living in Austria and CAHL lives, well, maybe in the US, maybe in Poland, maybe on some tiny island off the north coast of greenland. If he isn't, he certainly should at any rate. It seems though, unfortunately for all you Californians, he has found himself a place in California. Send out the warning to all citizens there to be on the look out for CAHLs in the area (they are distinguishable by a kind of piggish nose, tiny eyes set close together, and an obvious limp in their gate) and to steer clear of him. That is why I find it rather ironic that he chose a state governed by an Austrian/American. I wonder what Arnold would think of this guy who has thumbed his nose up at the Austrian courts and then runs to his state thinking nobody can find him.

Avatar for debbe1959
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 11:34am
Can you get a "Civil Protection Order?" It can be granted for a lifetime and goes beyond the scope of a restraining order. I have two, one from Florida, (I go there for vacations) and one from West Virginia (where he has family); please look into that, ok? I am glad you are in counseling-- that's a gift for YOU! As for the legal stuff, hang in there... the truth is bound to come out about AHL! Check into the CPO today if possible. Post again soon and tell us how it's going. Try to have as little to do with AHL as you can. Stay SAFE. Deb P.S. Can you get an advocate from the domestic violence shelter? They are a great help and will have a lot more answers and ideas for your situation!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: hglucky
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 2:23pm

Let me know if you need help finding things in CA.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 12:16am
Many thanks! I am still at step one with trying to get the courts here to contact courts there. I hope this part doesn't take too much longer.