I Need Help....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
I Need Help....
10
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:08pm
Yesterday I posted that my husband was trying to get me to borrow on my retirement account to pay bills - because he doesn't bring in any money. Today he took me aside and in a very threatening way told me I have to borrow $15000 today. I knew this was coming down the pike for whenever the next time he felt the urge to batter came on. I am really scared not to do it even though I know it will be more debt that would be a hardship to pay off. I am also seriously considering leaving him sometime within the next year and would need that paycheck to pay bills with. I found out that if I borrow that amount of money that it will take all of my take home money to pay it off for the next year. He claims he will submit the vouchers to help me pay it off which I DO NOT BELIEVE! I am scared because if I refuse he will attack me when we are alone. I don't know what to do. He has me on this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: stuckmom
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:25pm
He really does anger me.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: stuckmom
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:38pm

Stuck,

I read your earlier post. I think you know that borrowing from your retirement is the wrong thing to do. Just look what happened with the equity mortgage!! I agree with Wishful, do not borrow from your retirement. You've worked your whole life for that. You need that money to stay where it is and provide for what it was put aside to provide for. If you are thinking about leaving him in the next year, maybe sooner would be better than later?

Just a thought,
LAS

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
In reply to: stuckmom
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:44pm

How about if you don't take out the money and instead, you walk out the door forever?

Why not leave now?

What are you waiting for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
In reply to: stuckmom
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:53pm
Yes I know its not right what he is doing. Its downright crazy. But I am too scared of him now, especially after what happened in Pittsburgh. He is acting like he is going off the deep end. If I call the police I am afraid they will not be able to protect me. I used to think that I couldn't bear the thought of my children seeing their father carted off to jail but now I 'almost' don't care. I am just so scared of him. Obviously that is how he wants me to feel so I will do what he wants me to do. Forget about trying to discuss this or anything else in a reasonable manner. He is a borrorer, not an earner. He keeps telling me that I am the one not doing the vouchers to get the money he has earned. How can he twist it around. I always typed up the vouchers when he gave them to me. But he has not given them to me in a very long time. How can he use that against me. He is so twisted. I even tried a couple of years back to attempt to write them up so I could type them myself but just trying to figure even one out took hours and then I could never be sure if it was accurate. I just can't take the risk that he will physically attack me again. I need to get out of this hell. I can't bear the sad, scared looks on my kids faces anymore either. The police came the other day after my daughter called them. They treated it like she was the crazy one and I was too scared to tell them that my husband is the crazy one because if they took him away (there was no physical abuse that day) they would have to release him sometime and I would be too afraid of what would happen next. The only thing stopping me from going to a shelter is that I would have to take 3 teenagers (18,16,14) with me as I could not leave them home with him. What would they do in a shelter? If I give him the money I will have nothing to fall back on for a year. If I don't he will keep threatening and attacking me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
In reply to: stuckmom
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 3:10pm

Mom, I'm seeing two choices. One is taking the kids and running, knowing you have your job and assets to fall back on. The other is giving him the money and having to run for it a little later, with a big debt and your paycheck wiped out. Which is worse? The police are likely to look closer the second time they're called. If he has harmed you and you're afraid he'll do it again, you should be able to get protection. What will your kids do in a shelter? They'll do what you do: survive, begin living again, and breathe freely for once. Seeing dad arrested is bad, yes, but kids are strong and they bounce back. They will always know there is help if someone treats them that way. And they will know their first line of protection is mom.

Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: stuckmom
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 3:22pm

Honey, the shelter would only be temporary.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
In reply to: stuckmom
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 3:30pm

Miss Stuckmom,

Your prison is in your mind.

Give him fifteen thousand dollars and nothing will change.

Don't give him fifteen thousand dollars and get you and the kids to a shelter and the sun will shine again.

That's what shelters are for. That's what the police are for. Use them. Your children will find plenty to do in a shelter. They'll be happy to have some peace.

You don't have to be strong, you just have to do it.

Ignore your feelings, ignore your fears, and ignore his threats. Do what you must.

Don't ignore your children. They are telling you what to do.

Inside you are being told what to do. That part of you that is strong knows and it's speaking up (otherwise you wouldn't be here).

Give in and life will never change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: stuckmom
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 4:30pm

Please go seek out a shelter. They are so not what you are thinking. The girls can still go to school, and you will still be able to work at your job. You will just have a safe house to go to. Safe house meaning no one, except other people who have been your boat know where the safe house is and the one here in my town you would never think of as a place people are living. There is around the clock support and help. I go to one each week for counseling and it's not like a homeless shelter at all. It's really nice and they try to make it as homey as possible. They also help with legal, medical and counseling which all of you need. Nothing will feel as good as a nite's peace where you can just rest.

Everyone here is right. If you give in now and let him have the money he will just want something more then next time. I know because this happened to me. Now, I am trying to get out of debt and fighting for everything.

Your daughters need to know that this abuse is not to be tolerated. If one of your daughters told you this what would you say? You would say to run, leave and be safe. Sounds like he either wants something big or has a debt that must be paid right now. It's hard to leave, but you get to a point where you have tried and tried and given all that you can. When you get there, you have no choice, but to let go. If needed just leave with the clothes on your back. Don't risk your life or your daughters for him and they need you. They are teenagers and need your guidance and love now more than ever.

Please for yourself and your daughters lives leave now and don't look back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
In reply to: stuckmom
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 9:32pm

You know, stuckmom, I agree with you.. I know where you're coming from. I know what you're feeling... but geez, man. There comes a time where you're like, "dude, you totally suck, I don't want anything to do with you anymore - go away already..."

And then you go away.

Don't think about it so much, just make it happen. The dude sucks and there you are living in the same house! --- no way.

If he doesnt' go, you go. Take the kids and tell him he can kiss your butt.

He wants money? Let him win the lottery.

Life isn't supposed to be so serious and so fraught with disgusting tempermental outbursts... let him act like a baby on his own time.

You have a life to lead! Now go get it! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: stuckmom
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:32am
DON'T BLOW YOUR CHANCE!

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