I Need Help....
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I Need Help....
| Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:08pm |
Yesterday I posted that my husband was trying to get me to borrow on my retirement account to pay bills - because he doesn't bring in any money. Today he took me aside and in a very threatening way told me I have to borrow $15000 today. I knew this was coming down the pike for whenever the next time he felt the urge to batter came on. I am really scared not to do it even though I know it will be more debt that would be a hardship to pay off. I am also seriously considering leaving him sometime within the next year and would need that paycheck to pay bills with. I found out that if I borrow that amount of money that it will take all of my take home money to pay it off for the next year. He claims he will submit the vouchers to help me pay it off which I DO NOT BELIEVE! I am scared because if I refuse he will attack me when we are alone. I don't know what to do. He has me on this one.

Stuck,
I read your earlier post. I think you know that borrowing from your retirement is the wrong thing to do. Just look what happened with the equity mortgage!! I agree with Wishful, do not borrow from your retirement. You've worked your whole life for that. You need that money to stay where it is and provide for what it was put aside to provide for. If you are thinking about leaving him in the next year, maybe sooner would be better than later?
Just a thought,
LAS
How about if you don't take out the money and instead, you walk out the door forever?
Why not leave now?
What are you waiting for?
Mom, I'm seeing two choices. One is taking the kids and running, knowing you have your job and assets to fall back on. The other is giving him the money and having to run for it a little later, with a big debt and your paycheck wiped out. Which is worse? The police are likely to look closer the second time they're called. If he has harmed you and you're afraid he'll do it again, you should be able to get protection. What will your kids do in a shelter? They'll do what you do: survive, begin living again, and breathe freely for once. Seeing dad arrested is bad, yes, but kids are strong and they bounce back. They will always know there is help if someone treats them that way. And they will know their first line of protection is mom.
Take care of yourself.
Honey, the shelter would only be temporary.
CL-Blueliner4
Miss Stuckmom,
Your prison is in your mind.
Give him fifteen thousand dollars and nothing will change.
Don't give him fifteen thousand dollars and get you and the kids to a shelter and the sun will shine again.
That's what shelters are for. That's what the police are for. Use them. Your children will find plenty to do in a shelter. They'll be happy to have some peace.
You don't have to be strong, you just have to do it.
Ignore your feelings, ignore your fears, and ignore his threats. Do what you must.
Don't ignore your children. They are telling you what to do.
Inside you are being told what to do. That part of you that is strong knows and it's speaking up (otherwise you wouldn't be here).
Give in and life will never change.
Please go seek out a shelter. They are so not what you are thinking. The girls can still go to school, and you will still be able to work at your job. You will just have a safe house to go to. Safe house meaning no one, except other people who have been your boat know where the safe house is and the one here in my town you would never think of as a place people are living. There is around the clock support and help. I go to one each week for counseling and it's not like a homeless shelter at all. It's really nice and they try to make it as homey as possible. They also help with legal, medical and counseling which all of you need. Nothing will feel as good as a nite's peace where you can just rest.
Everyone here is right. If you give in now and let him have the money he will just want something more then next time. I know because this happened to me. Now, I am trying to get out of debt and fighting for everything.
Your daughters need to know that this abuse is not to be tolerated. If one of your daughters told you this what would you say? You would say to run, leave and be safe. Sounds like he either wants something big or has a debt that must be paid right now. It's hard to leave, but you get to a point where you have tried and tried and given all that you can. When you get there, you have no choice, but to let go. If needed just leave with the clothes on your back. Don't risk your life or your daughters for him and they need you. They are teenagers and need your guidance and love now more than ever.
Please for yourself and your daughters lives leave now and don't look back.
You know, stuckmom, I agree with you.. I know where you're coming from. I know what you're feeling... but geez, man. There comes a time where you're like, "dude, you totally suck, I don't want anything to do with you anymore - go away already..."
And then you go away.
Don't think about it so much, just make it happen. The dude sucks and there you are living in the same house! --- no way.
If he doesnt' go, you go. Take the kids and tell him he can kiss your butt.
He wants money? Let him win the lottery.
Life isn't supposed to be so serious and so fraught with disgusting tempermental outbursts... let him act like a baby on his own time.
You have a life to lead! Now go get it! :-)