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i need help
| Thu, 07-29-2004 - 1:34am |
i don't understand myself. i never thought i would let anyone treat me like this, and if they did i thought i would have no problem walking away. but i did, and i do. the first physical "attack" happened in january of this year. we were on a trip very far away from home and i couldn't physically leave safely (a single woman driving in the south of mexico alone is not a good idea). the next happened in february under similar conditions. but this last time i was able to get out and get out fast. physically this was the worst, i'm still sitting here bruised and sore. and of course he's trying to call and has left messages and emailed. i'm so angry and hurt. . . so why do i miss him so much? why does seeing that it's him calling bring me to tears?
all my family and friends are very worried. i know i shouldn't have anything to do with him ever again. so why is that thought so sad to me? why do i feel like this is a problem that can be fixed?
i know a lot of you women on this board have been through some similar experiences and i need your words of wisdom - badly.
i'm afraid i'm close to answering the phone and hearing that it'll never happen again and bla bla bla. i'm afraid that i want the good times more than i fear the bad.
i still feel like he's the love of my life and i don't want to loose that.
i need help
all my family and friends are very worried. i know i shouldn't have anything to do with him ever again. so why is that thought so sad to me? why do i feel like this is a problem that can be fixed?
i know a lot of you women on this board have been through some similar experiences and i need your words of wisdom - badly.
i'm afraid i'm close to answering the phone and hearing that it'll never happen again and bla bla bla. i'm afraid that i want the good times more than i fear the bad.
i still feel like he's the love of my life and i don't want to loose that.
i need help

Your feelings are perfectly normal for this point in time. His calling you, and you wanting to talk with him are what he is hoping for. He knows he crossed the line, you had the courage to leave and now he is trying to win you back. He will be all sweet and caring, until he has hooked you again. Please be careful. Talk with your friends and family. Read as much as you can about abuse - the cycle of abuse, anything to do with abuse.
You are remembering the nice guy, the one that you fell in love with, but he has another side - because anyone who loves someone would never ever physically hurt them. Please, be sure you have pictures of the bruises, especially if you didn't go to the hospital or the authorities. Make sure the pictures are date stamped. File them away. Journal everything. Try to remember when and what happened and write it down. Then, when you start feeling like you are missing him, look at the pictures, read what you have written. Remind yourself of "that other person" he can be. The pictures and the journal can be helpful if you ever need to file charges against him. And you can, with the bruises you have now.
Remember, you can't change him, make him stay the man you fell in love with. Only he can CHOOSE to stay that man. His actions will speak louder than any words. Be careful.
Hugs,
ples
I never thought I was someone who would tolerate what I did from him. I have to admit that I'd watch abused women on TV and think, "Why doesn't she just leave him then?" Once you're in that relationship though, you do believe that you need him and that you need to "save" him by being patient and understanding. The quieter and more compliant I got, the more often and the more severely he went off on me. He convinced me that screaming and name calling were normal and that I was a "little princess" for not wanting him to treat me that way.
Honestly, I probably wouldn't have left on my own. I tried to hide the abuse from my family and friends (and he was always really sweet to me in public- he was only nasty when we were alone), but my father eventually caught on. My dad called me, upset and crying (which I've only seen him do once in my entire life) and telling me that I needed to end the relationship. I didn't even do it for myself really (because I figured that I deserved what I was getting), but because it was upsetting my dad.
Ending the relationship was very scary and my ex did call to scream threats at me for a year afterwards (it only stopped when I changed my phone number and made it unlisted). I moved to another state and started over. For a long time though, I wanted desperately to call him and missed him very much. I would focus on the good things and think that if I could just be a better person, then he wouldn't get so angry. It just took time (and several self-help books) to realize that he was never going to change and that the longer I stayed, the worse the abuse would get. For a lot of women, the abuse doesn't stop until the man kills them.
It's two and a half years later and I met a wonderful man who doesn't need to scream or call me names to make a point. He's not a pushover at all- he just knows how to express himself like an adult.
I wish you the best of luck and want you to know that you're not weak and you're not alone. It can get better- it just takes time and a lot of willpower. I thought that "Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why" by Susan Forward was a really helpful book- it put things into perspective for me.