I need help for a friend..
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I need help for a friend..
| Wed, 07-27-2005 - 2:12pm |
I posted this on my WW Followers Board and one of the ladies sent me a link to this board. My friend has the most controlling boyfriend ever. I haven't gotten to talk to her in 1 month b/c of him! Whenever I email her--he reads it and deletes it. He knows everything I send her. We have a girls night out planned and its turned into a 2 day thing (starting tomorrow--on my bday--July 28th) We're going to a hotel thursday night and then friday we're hanging out and going out for the night--just girls--no guy talk--all fun! I've been off at college and my parents moved in the process--so I haven't seen my girlfriends for over 1/2 a yr! We all wanna get dressed up and cute, do our hair, make-up, etc..I even burnt a CD of our favorite mix of songs! We've been so excited except for my one friend who has the most controlling boyfriend ever. They met back in Nov. b/c of mutual friends. She has never had a boyfriend before (she's only 18) and her mom is a woman who only considers a woman important if she has a man in her life. So she's placed that emphasis on my friend..happiness = a boyfriend. So she grasped at the chance to have a boyfriend and date this guy--who is NOTHING like her. He is the stereotypical punk/goth wannabe (we all call him the goth poster child) who doesn't like any of the music she likes, any of the clothes she used to wear, any make-up on her, her hair color, etc. She's literally changed everything about herself. She no longer cares about her clothing (she wears dirty clothes or his oversized clothes sometimes!), she dyed her hair a bathroom brown when it was a beautiful blonde b/c he likes brunettes and she prof. straightened her gorgeously curly hair b/c he liked it straight. She stopped wearing all make-up b/c of him as well. She's also not going to college b/c of him and working 3rd shift at Walmart b/c he works 3rd shift at whirlpool and they can have all of their free time together. He had her go to planned parenthood and get the birth control shot b/c he didn't want to have to spend any money on birth control--so she's gotten a lot more acne than she had before (and unfortunately, she had a lot) and she's gained over 20 lbs b/c of it. He refuses to let her go with us to any clubs or friend's houses, he refuses to let her dress cute or wear what she wants b/c a "guy might look at her" and "hit on her", he refuses to let her go to the hotel with us w/o bringing her cell phone and calling him, he refuses to let her spend any of their mutual money (but he just recently spent over 500 dollars of it on himself--but he won't let her spend 3 dollars on lunch with us!) In the beginning of Aug (in 1 week) they are going to move into an apartment together b/c her mom is moving to Alabama to be with her new/old boyfriend (who is divorcing his wife and leaving his kids--great example for her daughter huh?) I am so afraid that moving in with him will cause her to completely discard us from her life 100%. She used to be my best friend--we hung out at HS, we went out every weekend together, she slept over at my house every weekend--it were BEST friends. But now that she's met him--she doesn't even talk to me. And now she's bailing on our plans and keeps trying to change them so she can leave us and be with him. I am really frustrated with this--I see my best friend being used and controlled. He uses all of her money--won't let her have any, is decorating their entire apartment w/o letting her pick anything (he's told everyone that), he's awful to her and she refuses to see any of it b/c she wants a boyfriend so badly. I am afraid she'll end up marrying him or living with him and I'll be completely shut out of her life along with my other friends. We all do not know what to do!
So I came here seeking advice b/c this is the only other place I thought I could turn to. It's scarying me how controlling he is and I am afraid of losing my friend--and afraid of him becoming physically abusive.
thank you for listening--sorry it's so long.
-Heather M.
So I came here seeking advice b/c this is the only other place I thought I could turn to. It's scarying me how controlling he is and I am afraid of losing my friend--and afraid of him becoming physically abusive.
thank you for listening--sorry it's so long.
-Heather M.

Heather:
I was in a similar situation with a boyfriend that I broke up with before dating my husband. I had several people telling me what a bad person he was, but I loved him and couldn't see it. It took people (including people I had just met) telling me and pointing out to me what he did many times before I finally saw it for myself. I finally left him after a 3 year relationship.
I recommend continuing to stay in contact with your friend and gently point out where he is being controlling. It's going to take some time before she finally realizes that she deserves better and it's going to take you and your other friends some time to convince her. Continue to ask her out. If she meets you, show her how much fun you used to have just as girls. I never really had female friends growing up, so she already has the advantage of you and your other friends being there for her.
Also, recommend this board to her where she can log in from a safe location (if he's reading her emails, it's not safe from her home computer, but most libraries have free internet access). The people on this board really care about what happens and have all been through similar situations. They can help you in your endeavour to convince her to leave him.
Good luck!
-Heather M.
Here's some more advice that you can share with your friends:
CL-Blueliner4