I need input from anyone . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I need input from anyone . . . .
5
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:51am
Right now I am standing firmly that I want out. I want anyone's opinion on what they think. H has actually been a lot better on things (of course, he's still bad enough that someone in a normal relationship would think it's hell!). He has even been talking about buying some more land which makes me want to puke, because I just see that as more obstacles for me to have to hurdle over. Some of you know that he's pulled some really good lies and such to 'cause his family to turn against me - people I have treated VERY good for the past 25 years. Well, he insists of saying I'm wrong and they're right. There's things like last September he didn't even take me out for my birthday, but now he's got to make sure he takes his brothers out for theirs. There's just a lot there that's too much to get into that somehow got all blamed on me. He told our son the other day when he and his wife were squabbling that DS needed to do what he wanted to do. This reinforces to me that he doesn't give a big crap how I feel about anything - he's going to do what he wants no matter how much it hurts.

We are in joint counseling - I know a biggie no-no. I do like the counselor. He's treating most of it as H's problem, but he does say there's problems on both sides. You all know the problem there is that H turns things around that are said after we leave - surprised? Well, I have a 'Dear John' letter written up to read in the counselor's office Tuesday night. I can't tell H any other time, because there's always been so many things said he won't take it seriously, he'll just throw a fit. If I'm at the counselor's office, he'll control himself.

Please just give me any input you can on this. I am so confused right now. There's one part of me that says to put up with the family thing and just let it ride. Then there's the other side that says "hell, no!", I've put up with too much already and the reason these things happened is because he's such a liar and they're such white trash! I just need some clarification for myself.

TIA,

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:12am
Hi Jackie

I know exactly how you feel. You are determined to leave, you had enough, but yet you are in counseling trying to figure out if it's the right thing. I don't have the answer but I do know that I am going through the same thing. The only difference is that I am going to counseling but by myself and H doesn't even know about it. I went to a counselor about 4 years ago and had him come too. It was horrible. He sat there and denied things, talked over me like he does everyday, used things the counselor said against me after we left and refused to go back after one visit. It was typical of him. If someone doesn't agree with him or goes against him he turns the other way. He always has to be right. Everyday I go back and forth in my mind. Do I leave or do I stay. He has been so extremely accomodating the past couple weeks. He knows that I have had enough and that I really might leave this time. It seems like he is trying but he does refuse to get individual counseling. That tells me that he knows he has a problem but doesn't want to confront it. I am always thinking of my own place and the things I could do without having to get permission or be afraid of making him mad. I do not have kids with him so my situation is not exactly like yours. I do have 2 boys that live with my ex and I realize that the decision to leave if I had children with H would be much harder. I, like you, am having a difficult time doing what is right for me. Good luck with your decision no matter what it is. I wish I could offer some advice but as you know we are both in the same boat. Hope it doesn't sink. I don't swim very well.

jc
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:04am
Jackie, there's always problems on both sides, because nobody on earth is perfect. The problem isn't that you both have faults, the problem is his ABUSE, and that is NEVER your fault. Even if you corrected every problem you bring to the relationship, he would still be abusive, that is why couples counseling is not suggested in abuse cases.

I certainly wasn't perfect in my relationship, I am an independent person who is used to being in control and I have a strong personality. Unfortunately, the Hal_Monster aka Ebenezer Scrooge, also likes being in control and has a very strong personality. We were both used to getting our way, therefore we butted heads a lot, but that wasn't the problem. In fact, that problem could have been worked through. The problem was, when he wasn't allowed to be in complete control he chose to deal with it by abusing me and trying to force me into submission through punishment, verbal/emotional, and sometimes physical abuse.

No matter how much *better* he is being, it won't last. You have been through this with G. for over 20 years, right? Sit back and think of how many times he *seemed* to be doing better and how long that lasted before you found out it was just a temorary phase, and the abuse began again.

I know it's hard to leave behind a long history with someone, to uproot your life, your home, and your children, but how happy are you with him? Even if he changes, you already resent him and have no trust in him due to the past abuse, and believe me, I understand that totally. Even if my ex went to DV counseling, I would never trust him with my heart or my life again, because he has betrayed me to the core and no matter how much he swears he loves me, his love is based on being able to control me through abuse, if necessary. That may be his definition of love, but it is not mine. My ex would still tell you to this day that I provoked him to abuse me, and he will no doubt always see it that way. I am sure G. feels the same way about you.....in fact I know he does because I have been reading your posts about him for a very long time and he thinks it's all your fault. He's wrong, he is an abuser and nothing you do causes the abuse.

I can't tell you what to do, and I will always be here to support you no matter what you decide, but personally, I know that if you can ever bring yourself to break out of there and step outside your comfort zone, you are going to have a life that is SO much happier than the one you are experiencing right now, and you deserve that happiness.

Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:21am
Gosh! Do I know you're right!!! And, yes, he does blame everything on me. Just this morning he said he couldn't believe he had to live like this!! I think, 'what the hell are you talking about???' But, you know, that's crazymaking! If all of a sudden he turned into Mr. Wonderful with me, too, I would never trust him again. He's talking about buying more land, and I'm thinking of the arrogance he has to even think such a thing! I did find out a couple of weeks ago he'd been paid some money that he put in an account away from me. We will be getting our income tax refund back this week and it will be direct deposited in my account, so we'll see who can play 'keep away'. Of course, he will win, because I always give in.

Thanks so much for always being there, Jeep. I wonder how I have any sense about me at all sometimes. I have good parents, good friends, a good workplace, most of my kids are good about this and I have you ladies, so that's all that keeps me together, because he is the best at tearing me apart.

Jackie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:36am
JC,

I don't swim well either. Wish I did, and I'd have strength enough to get the heck out of here! I have everything I need to do something about this, financial support, family support, friends, etc., but I'm just scared to death.

Yes, my H can be accomodating when it's for his own good. Then he'll turn right around and be a total a--hole! It would be so great to be with someone who was compromising and who worked together for a solution. The very few times (and I mean very few) that H has been agreeable with anything it was like a won the lottery! Isn't it sick that what 'normal' relationships experience every day I think is an act of God! The stress and hurt is killing me.

Wish we could just hold each other's hand and help get through this!

Hugs,

Jackie

Avatar for cl_mizlizzy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:11pm
JT, whatever you do, do not give him that letter, please! Even though you may feel "safe" in the counselor's office, you have 25 years of history, violence, and experience with him. He may act "calm" in the therapist's office, but you will be in extreme danger once you leave.

It is CRITICAL that you plan carefully, and quietly. You have more than enough evidence to get an Order of Protection and have him removed. Yes, it's scary, but scarier is the thought of what he will do if you give him that letter without having things in place, including an OP and more. He has severely hurt you, so many times, and it's not just going to stop now.

He has an even higher sense of "false security" since you let him return, and since you have been going to joint therapy. Please, do not underestimate him, or the danger with confronting him like this.

The best and safest way for you and your children is to apply for an Order of Protection, and have him removed from the home. This order will provide for many other provisions, including child support, custody, and more, that you will need, due to how he is. I do know how hard this is. My ex was violent, controlling, and frightening too, but it can be managed, safely, and legally.

In your response to JC above, you say you don't have enough strength. JT, sweetie, you have so much more strength than you give yourself credit for. Even though breaking free seems daunting, and a super-human feat, it is MUCH easier to do, than to continue to live with the daily pain, turmoil, confusion and more. The stress and hurt ARE killing you, literally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. He has come real close to literally taking your life with his extreme physical abuse too.

Please, put your fears into perspective, and really think about this. Yes, it is scary and hard to break free, but there is light on that side, there is hope, there is peace, there is joy. Sure, there is pain and more too, but it subsides. As long as you are with him, the pain will never end, and you will not be able to have the life you want, and truly deserve.

Please, be careful, and most of all, don't think you can confront him, in therapy or otherwise, and he will "just leave". He has had this power and control for 25 years, and he is not going to just let go of it. He has proven that, repeatedly. You CAN break free safely, using the laws, resources, help and support. You have the strength sweetie. Please drown out his voice in your head, and replace it with yours.

Please know we're all here for you too, truly caring and understanding.

HUGS!!