i need a push over the bridge....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
i need a push over the bridge....
11
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:06pm
its like i am at the brink of a bridge, and I could plant my feet on it to cross over to the other side-------------but at the same time, I can look back and see also.........where i am standing at times is dark...........on the other side.........im trying to find the light to lead me over, but there is none........I know that I must cross the bridge to find the light.........

Please-------------someone push me???????

I just need some final encouragement to break free from the familiar and not be tricked by the broken promises of it could have been or how it will be from him..............

Dont even ask me why i listened to him...........i have my settlement signed and it will be disbursed on April 31st------------

so whats my problem???????

Im frozen...in time

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Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:20pm
Hugs Zen! I know you are a strong woman, you know what you have to do, but no one can give you the push to cross. This has to come from you, from your heart. You need to cross this bridge on your own so that you will have no wonders if you did the right thing, or if you were pushed too soon.

We are all on the other side Zen, waiting with open arms, hugs and encouragement. Let all you have learned give you the strength, may all the resolve give you sure footing, let your wings spread and lift your heart to a higher level of happiness and a more promising future.

And fear not the bridge, for it is all of us here that hold the foundation.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:21pm
Its also annoying that he is racing right now and his dumb name is posted all over the internet and magazines about "what a great guy he is" in the racing field!!

Now, I find this annoying.................

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:25pm
oh buff....what wonderful words you have given me that you are all there on the other side..........i have felt so alone in this journey........i know i must pass through more pain crossing the bridge and im just taking my time slower than i want too. I just have fear inside of me of "what if i do wrong in making this decision?"......of course, i will never know until i cross and once i cross...........i can never go back.................

i wish my soul would speak to me...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:26pm
Zen -

Two words: YOUR KIDS

Two more: YOUR SANITY

I know you can do this. You know you can do this. None of us can drag you over. You have to come over here on your own.

If we have to, we can try and bribe you with chocolate, but that's about it.

Zen - Pam - you can do this.

Gabby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:30pm
oh gabby and buff:

the anxiety i have is choking me....its like an elephant is on my chest.....it feels like i have drank 100 cups of starbucks coffee and i have NOT slept 8 hours straight in over 2-1/2 months............im an nervous and i am scared..............

If i could just know that crossing that bridge would take away this life of anxiety and panic attacks and lack of sleep...............i would JUMP!!!!!! or fly over it!!!!!! I really am almost there............... i just would NOT be able to survive if I crossed the bridge, and my anxieties and pain were greater than they are now.........im on the verge of needing inpatient care, seriously...........and I am using way too much Xanax now to get through a week.............

I feel short of breath and scared straight in my shoes...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:25pm
Zen, listen to me:

"There's nothing to fear but fear itself." - Winston Churchill

The unknown is a very scary thing. Change can also be scary. It's okay to be scared. We know you are. And you need to allow yourself to be scared, just as long as it's not a paralyzing fear. We also know that he is an absolute fright that would do you in within seconds if he got near you now (I mean mentally and emotionally). You need to make the step for your kids. You need to be able to help your son and daughter. If you can't, then he'll end up with them. Then what?

Once you take that step, you can go back to being a mom again. You can go back to earning money again. You can start down the road that's got the big glowing sign over it that says "Normalcy This Way".

What's scarier? Him? Or the party waiting on this side? I think he wins that round. I've just recently discovered I'm not scary and some guys actually find me attractive. Sounds a little silly and kind of self-centered, but it's a big deal for me. You know I had a guy tell me last night that I had always mattered, no matter what the Nerfherder said? The guy's known me for three weeks. But if I hadn't agreed to go out with the guy, I would never have heard that (and I damn near threw up before the first date). This guy, knowing what my situation was, STILL ASKED ME OUT. Why? He liked me. He called my friend to get my number. Regardless of what happens, this guy's going to be a friend for life.

Pam, you matter. You matter to your kids, you matter to your family, and you matter to US. There are people who care about you, people who you haven't met yet that will be very important people in your life. But you won't get to meet them until you come get the chocolate bar I have in my hand. ;) (hey, bribes worked as kids, why not now?)



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:40pm
What's the alternative, going back to him? The truth is, you have two choices Zen, my friend, and here they are:

You can jump off the bridge to complete freedom, and altho it may feel uncomfortable for awhile, and altho you will grieve, and still feel doubt at times, and altho you will go through all the 5 stages of grief that all of us who have left have gone through......there will come the last stage finally, which is acceptance, and shortly after that will come peace, and happiness. You will once again find fun,joy, and laughter in your life....and yes, you will sleep at night once again. Reaching this point certainly will not come overnight, but it WILL come.

Your other choice is to go back to him and it will be uncomfortable, you will grieve going back, you will have doubts, you will have pain, you will be physically ill, you will have nightmares, and a ton of anxietyand abuse, and no matter how long you ride these things out, no change will ever come. There is no peace, happiness, fun, or joy at the end of that trip, and there certainly will not be any kind of peaceful sleep. It will always and forever remain the same as it has always been. Ask yourself why you think it would be any different. You don't want to go back Zen, you are simply afraid to go forward. That's understandable, the unknown is a scary place, but it's only scary as long as it's *unknown*. Once you step out there, it will become familiar territory. The most fearful thing in the world is fear itself.

I would doubt that anyone who has ever left an abuser could possibly hurt any more than I hurt and grieved when leaving mine and for months and months on end afterwards. I have never felt such loss and pain in my life and I related SO well to what you said about being on the brink of needing inpatient therapy. I very seriously thought the same thing about myself and the only thing that kept me from giving in to it was pure stubborness.

As someone who has undeniably and most definitely been there, I can tell you that it is not an easy road, but OMGOSH is it ever worth it! Trust me, you can do this, and one of these days you will be SO SO SO glad you did.

Hugs!!!!

Avatar for alwaysagardenia
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 1:56am
Hugs Zen! Everyone else says it so well. I just wanted to giver you some support & send you one big virtual ((hug)). XOXO--Ruby
Avatar for sparklit
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 6:03am
What a great post, Jeeps. It really says it. Zen, I know it's hard, so very hard. But like Jeeps said, we need to push through that grief to healing and then a better life. Going back would bring only more hell and the same cycle would continue. The last time I went back before I left for good, I was sick to my stomach. As I was driving on the parkway home, I had a stomach ache before I even got there. Nothing has changed. It's just your feelings and your fears coming out. This is normal. Grief stinks, Zen. But like Jeeps said about what she went through, believe me, I also did not think I would make it. I really thought for sure, and told people in a very sure way, that I could NOT do this. But I did. And so did Jeeps, and others. And you will too, sweetie.

One thing I learned that helped is that although we are experiencing these feelings, we don't have to sink into them. When we feel ourselves sinking, it's a sign that we need to take care of ourselves. It's almost like you separate yourself from this type of destructive thinking. Look at it, know it's not true and try your best to replace the thoughts with positive thoughts. Ones remembering why you did what you did and also thoughts of love for yourself. Taking care of yourself like you would somebody else right now. Something I did recently that helped was an activity where you write down your divorce story. First, you write all your emotions and everything involved. Next, you write it again with only the facts. When you read just the facts, it helps to say, "oh yes, no way, I'm not going there again".

My prayers are with you Zen. Try to surrender to this situation as bad as it may seem. When we surrender to it, and finally find acceptance, which takes time, there is peace at the end. Keep posting as you are, and keep letting us lift you up when you are down.

Huge Hugs and love,

Maria

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 6:31am
Your soul is talking to you Zen,,it's that little voice telling you to set you and your children free!

What is there to stay for?? Honestly?? More pain, more sleepless nights, more abuse to you and your children?,,

It feels foreign to you Zen because you are regaining control over "your" life, not living someone elses.

Hugs

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