I need a push in the right direction!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I need a push in the right direction!!
4
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 8:50pm
OK, so as I had posted earlier, I was trying to get the apt., and I passed the check, so it is just there waiting for me to sign the lease at the end of Feb., and then I can be free. Right? To see me recently though, you would think I hadn't been so unhappy and ready to go all of these years, I am on an emotional rollercoaster!! I have felt physically ill over this decision, and I am honestly not sure if I can go through with it and actually sign the lease. I think I *will* because I (and I know this sounds like a really really stupid reason, but whatever works, lol) would feel that I was losing face if I didn't take it, after confiding in some friends and family, who are now totally pulling for me to get out, and are actually funding my move. I feel embarrassed that I have been living like this, but it would be even worse to have this amazing opportunity, and pass it up, in front of so many caring people...I couldn't even bring myself to tell them, lol!!! I know I want out because it would be lots better for me, I know that things would be better for my child to see me happy, and his dad happy, than the two of us together and tense. But, of course, DH doesn't see it that way, he has the archaic view on marriage, doesn't matter how miserable we are because we are married, with a child, and we will stay that way, anything else is immoral and unacceptable. He has slept in another bedroom for years now at my request, things are awful for him as well, I don't know why he is holding on so tightly to something that just is not working. But, he keeps trying, going to therapy, taking meds, etc...and I keep trying to deal with his obnoxious personality, and round and round we go. I have no romantic feelings left for him, but little animosity anymore either, I just want to be free. I think I have worked through a lot of the hurt, hope, anger, sadness...now I am just confused, because here is what I have been wanting, right in front of me, and the GUILT is tremendous, like an actual weight I can feel. I know if I wanted (god forbid, lol) I could always come back to him, he isn't even paying for the apt., so he wouldn't have to sell the house or anything like that at this point, why is this soooo hard for me??? I am feeling as crazy as he is at this point!!! If I am SCARED to let him know about the apt., and I have been sneaking family photos, etc., out to a safe place, and all of my friends and family are horrified to hear about/witness his wacko reactions to me, obviously this is not a relationship worth holding onto, lol, at least I see it, but emotionally, it hurts, and I don't even know WHY at this point in my life it is not CRYSTAL clear, really. Help!!! I feel like my head is spinning, and everyone tells me, just get out, just do it, no one could think clearly living like you do with him, he is so unstable. They all seem to think that just having my own space will do wonders, that my old self will return, and god I hope so, I am a mess!!! Any thoughts for me, I feel so needy right now?? I really want to take this apt.,WHY am I hesitating????? It makes absolutely no sense to me, I know he will never change into a man I would want to live with, so....what is up???
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 12:56am

Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear he's right, fear you're going to let everyone down, you're not doing right by your DS, hon, you're just scared.


While he's a PITA to live with, you know he's

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 4:01am


That is totally true, my retard is pulling the oh whoh is me crap, and is trying to turn everything into him again! I am looking for a place as of 2 days ago, but unfortunatly the apt. where are I am are in short supply. It will take me weeks, and I don't know if I am strong enough to hold out for weeks, I don't know if I can keep him from playing on my sympathy and trying to get me to stay with promises of therapy and what not. I know in my heart he will never change and if I am to grow and mature and make myself into something successful then I need to leave. But he was so pathetic tonight I can't help but want to help him. But then I remind myself of all the nasty things he just got though saying to me and the silent treatment I just went though again, and I know leaving is for the best. I am so thankful I found these sites. Otherwise i might not have the courage to leave. I know I want a full and happy life and that does not involve being munipulated by a narcissist for the rest of my life. It is for my own sanity and the welfare of my kids that I leave now.

And you will be better off leaving and once you are gone you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Try doing something nice for your self when you do sign the lease, take yourself out for ice cream, or get a facial, manicure, or massage. Reward yourself for being the strong person you are and that you finnally did it!

Good luck
Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 9:17am

Wow, Lurker! Long time no see. I check for you around our other cyber hangouts but haven't seen anything from you in a long time. I went back and read your first post about the apartment but I only lurk on this board occasionally so I don't know what else I missed.

I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't going better for you, but if a shove you want, a shove I will give you. Raising a disabled child is difficult enough without trying to do it with someone who wears you out with craziness. You need every ounce of energy you have to deal with your son. I say, if you can afford to go, GO! It's clearly not going to get any better there and the instability will cause your son further difficulties, and the little guy has more than enough difficulty already. A happier mom is much healthier for him.

Last I knew you were in school. Is that still the case? I hope you have some good healthy distractions from your nutty H. Be strong, do this for your DS, even if you aren't strong enough to do it for yourself.

So glad to see you around, but so sorry about the circumstances. Love, Maureen

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 11:28pm

Thank you soooo much!!

Blue, you are right, it is fear - of everything and anything, and I need to deal with that. Jenn, I love the idea of getting a massage or facial that day, how fabulous!! I actually have a gift certificate I have been saving, well, I think that freedom day is a special occasion!! Maureen, sooo very good to "see" you around!! How are you and your family??? You are regularly in my thoughts and prayers. Hope things are looking up for you!!! And, thanks for the nudge, I truly think it is in the right direction!! Let's keep in touch, my only 'safe' address right now is my current hotmail acct., do you have it? Let me know, OK?

My DH had his psych. appt. today, and I went with him...long story short...his Dr. prescribed some more meds for his "instabilty and mood swings"...anyway, I come home and look it up online, the medicine is for treating schizophrenia! He also takes meds for ADD and depression. Now, at once that is incredibly validating, no longer can I worry that I am blowing his instabilty out of proportion, etc...but, it is just hard to think about. I hope the Rx works, not that it changes what I want to do, but it would make all of our lives so much better. So, I am feeling SO much less guilt, I think, no one would want to live with someone needing anti psychotic drugs, right? At least someone not currently seeing any benefit. So,thats where I am, feeling determined...thank you for responding...and you too, Katie Bear, I read your post about leaving, and it really hit home to me...I am exhausted, frumpy, and a few pounds over (not under) weight....It is not who I am, and I am so excited to reclaim my life. You guys are the BEST!!!!! Thank you SO MUCH!!!