I need some opinions on this
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| Wed, 09-13-2006 - 10:03am |
Sorry this is a very long posting....
Yesterday I had an argument with my boyfriend, he had had a horrible day and was in a very bad mood.
I live half an hour away from my boyfriend and was staying over at his place that night. I really needed to get my birth control pill and wasn't sure if the local pharmacy would fill my prescription. I am very comfortable with his mother, my bf and I have been together several years and over the years I have become close with her, so I decided to show her my pill box and ask her if she knew whether or not they could fill the prescription.
When I went into his room, he got really angry and said
"you owe me an apology."
I became really confused and said
"Why do I owe you an apology?"
He said " You completely humiliated me, showing your birth control to my mother, shoving it right in her face, do you have any respect for me and my familly at all, what were you thinking!?" he said this in a very angry tone.
I still didn't feel like I needed to apologize. He became angrier and angrier
he said
"See that's the whole problem, the point is you don't know why you should apologize, and you don't really mean it when you do!"
So I said, "ok, babe i'm really sorry I offended you"
He said" you knew i was having a bad day and i'm convinced you're just tring to pick a fight with me because you want to be victimized, well after you eat supper you're leaving, (think he also said), i'm throwing you out of my house!
I started yelling back at him saying that it was unnaceptable that he was talking to me in that tone.
He was still ranting about throwing me out, and then something in me snapped and I told him to go f*** himself and that I wanted to leave him.
Just as quickly his demeanor changed when he saw how serious I was and he gave me a hug and said he didn't want to fight anymore.
these are our fights most of the time, we don't fight all the time but when we do its like this. I feel really angry and I don't know why (I did stand up for myself) and I feel disgusted. I didn't end up leaving him.
Tell me: was it wrong to show his mother my pill box? we're all adults aren't we, and I've been with him for so long that i'm sure she knows ive slept with him, I just need to know if I should have apologized to him, did I disrespect him in any way like he said I did? Please someone just let me know what you think, I would greatly appreciated it.

Hi Rosie,
Long postings are good - they get more information out so it's easier to undertand your story... so type away.
I do not think it was wrong of you to show his mom your pill box. You are comfortable enough around her to be so open - there is nothing wrong with that. Oh, I bet she does know that you 2 are sleeping together so who cares right? He does for some strange reason.
I have been in your shoes with the whole respect thing. My X used to always say that I don't respect him but he respects me. I never understood because I do respect him... his mind was totally backwards and that is like what you just said in your post. He is blaming you right? I once read a good saying.. it went something like this "If he abuses you he doesn't respect you. If he respects you he doesn't abuse you" That really hit home for me and my abuser. He abused me and didn't respect me.
Of course he picked a fight then all of a sudden he changed ways and was all I'm sorry, let's not fight. Did he by chance say that it was all your fault for the fight? Not taking any responsibility for him blowing up?
I see a few warning signs with your relationship. But on your last couple posts that is what I also said. You deserve way better than the way you are being treated. You will know when you need to break-up with this man. It seems to me that you know deep down that it isn't right by the way he is treating you... it is terrifying leaving an abuser.. but it is possible too.
Lauren
No he didn't say it was my fault for the fight.
A few other things I forgot to mention, When I stood up to him and started talking back he said:
"if I want someone who's going to give me attitute and sass me all the time I would have stayed with (ex girfriend)..."
I said
"so what am I your dormat?"
and he said
"Who said anything about you being a dormat"
Honestly when I think of this my blood boils. I feel like I can't get "mad" at him or at least as mad as i'd like to get. I hear other couples argue and the way women talk to their boyfriends and I think to myself if I talked to him like that he'd hit me so hard I woudlnt' know what was coming. I don't know if that really would be the case but I certainly feel that way.When I raise my voice he tells me "keep your voice down" or he'll say shhh. Yet he yells when he gets excited about something, or sometimes he talks so loud my ears hurt. I'm not saying this to be mean or to complain. I feel crazy, I know it seems weird but I dont' feel like a person anymore. I don't even remember the things I used to enjoy, there is no fun in my life and I hate feeling this way. Nothing is ever good enough, I spend about four or five nights a week and every saturday with him and he's always complaining how i'm "ditching" him. You know what lauren I don't know what normal is, I dont' konw what I loving relationship is. I was only 15 when I met him, he's all i've ever known. I'm not myself around him, I just become this other person and its so automatic that I can't control it. More than anything I just want someone to talk to, I have lost all my friends (I had no energy for anyone else)I'm so alone. Thank you for being here for me I really appreciate it.
I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. It breaks my heart. Abusers have a way of screwing with our minds and I hate it. We start to think that WE are the problems, that we are crazy, that if we change things will get better.... but it is all LIES!! They are the problem, and these problems won't get better unless we move on and away from them.
I bet he is threatning you about his ex-girlfriend to make you jealous. It would make me really mad and jealous to. They know exactly what they are doing.
I can't remember if he has hit you before?... has he hit you in the past and recently just been verbally abusing you? I am getting confused with another post I think.
I know how you feel about him yelling at you, but if you even raise your voice a little bit, boy you will hear it from him. My abuser would always get mad if I interrupted him, but when he interrupted me when I was talking it was okay. I remember telling him not to interrupt me in front of his family and he just shut up. After I said for him to not interrupt I thought oh great what's he going to say to his family to switch the story around. It might not sound like a big deal... but it gets so frustrating!!!
"I feel crazy, I know it seems weird but I dont' feel like a person anymore. I don't even remember the things I used to enjoy, there is no fun in my life and I hate feeling this way."
This is a huge sign to me. It doesn't seem weird to me that you don't feel like a person anymore. That is what abuser do. They screw with yout minds, wreck your self esteem, make you feel like nothing is every good enough no matter how much you try... etc.. etc.. I remember on the last couple nights that me and my abuser were still together. We were lying together in bed and we were getting along (shock) I was really upset saying how I don't know what my dreams are anymore, what do I want to do in life, what do I enjoy doing anymore. It didn't really get to me until now writing this. Being with my abuser, I was totally losing myself. I was not myself. If I stayed in that relationship it would have gotten much worse. I needed to get out to safe myself. It took awhile, but I know that I deserve the whole loaf instead of a few crumbs. (i got that from another post.. but I love it)
I'll tell you another thing. You are not in a normal realtionship. It will never become a normal relationship with this man. You deserve so much more than this man is giving you. That is his goal, to keep you away from friends and family to have you all to himself. He is winning this battle. You need to get out to save yourself. You are so young and you have so much more to live for. It does get automatic with abuser. You can't say certain things or it will break into a fight. You start to know what to say and not say.
Oh... A book if you are interesting in reading it. It is called "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It is an amazing book and eye opener. I have learnt so much about my abuser. It is wonderful and I recomend it to you. I would just be very cautious of him if he finds it. Probably would cause a fight.
You can always e-mail me privatley if you want to... I am here... and I do feel for you. It has only been a few months since I broke up with my abuser. It is still hard for me. But it is way better not worrying what I do or say.
Lauren
Thank you for listening lauren :-)
He used to hit me very often that was about 2 years ago and in the last 7 months he stopped. He stopped because one night in march I walked out on him, I was fed up with the way he had been treating me, that week I remember was a horrible week. He was very abusive to me and i'd had enough so I stormed out and refused to pick up the phone when he called me. He called about 35 times that night and in the end like always I took him back, he said he would try to change. He hasn't hit me in awhile, I dont' think he will again but I still feel very uneasy. Don't you think now that he's stopped I should feel better? I don't tell him anything anymore, I don't open up. He's very resentful of this.
I feel very stressed out inside. He does try and make an effort not to take it out on me, like when he's angry instead of taking it out on me, he says "get out of my face, I want to be alone right now" that's what he said the other night. He still fought with me.
I've never told anyone he has hit me, my familly has asked me before and I lied and said he had never laid a hand on me. I used to want to protect him all the time, now I just dont' have the energy for anything.
The only way he can change is to start by going to counselling. Then it is really hard work and dedication to change his ways. Only 1% of abusers change. In most cases abuse goes from bad to worse, meaning from verbal to physical. He has already been physical, not anymore but it wouldn't suprise me if it went to him hitting you again.
It seems to me that everyone thinks that physical abuse is worse, but it is not worse than emotional abuse. A lot of my friends that haven't been in abusive relationship always disagree with me when I say emotional is worse than physical. They have never been in an abusive relationship so they have no idea what it is like. When the abuser verbally / emotionally abuses you they do something to your soul. Physical is horrible too, but they do something to the outside not the inside. Bruises might go away, but the pain you feel inside takes a lot longer to heal than those bruises.
"Don't you think now that he's stopped I should feel better? " No I don't think that is true. He has been verbally & emotionally abusing you that is why you still don't feel better. You can't see the pain, maybe that is why it doesn't seem so bad. Maybe that is why I never thought I was in an abusive relationship.
Maybe you should talk to your family and friends about what you are going thru. It is very difficult, but I'm sure it would be a relief when you let those few words pour out of your mouth. (that is what happend to me - relief) It is very difficult. I felt ashamed, embarrased, wanted to protect him and stand up for him.
There is a lot of great people over on the Domestic Abuse - New Beginnings. You might not be in a beginning part of your life as you are still with your abuser, but you will get some awesome advice over there.
Lauren