I need some suggestions....
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 02-23-2006 - 2:42pm |
The problem I need help with has absolutely nothing to do with my husband. My DH and I are great, it's my XH that I need help with. I have been lurking here for a while because I was hoping to find some answers from others. Where to start....at the beginning, I guess. I'm sorry if this gets long...
I was with my XH for 11 years - married to him for about 8 of those years. We were each other's first everything. I noticed he was a little different about a year into the relationship. He was very controlling, but in my inexperience, I just thought it was him being protective. I actually thought it was sweet at first. Then over the years, it started to grate on my nerves. I did everything to please him first - from the kind of milk I bought at the grocery store, to the clothes I wore to work. He was very jealous of any male friend I had - even ones I had been friends with since I was a baby - even friends I had made through him. He didn't want me around his own friends sometimes. Ugh. Anyway, after several years, I realized I had made a HUGE mistake when I married him. We were very young, and very stupid. Well, at least *I* was. I'm sure he knew exactly what he was doing. XH used to say things like, "Nobody will ever love you like I do" and "If you can't be happy with me, you won't be happy with anyone". I stayed with him through all of this because I just didn't know any better. I didn't realize how absolutely miserable I was until I was away from him. That and, most of the time, I couldn't find a "good enough reason" to leave. It wasn't good - I wasn't happy, but it wasn't horrible either. Not good enough to stay, but not bad enough to leave. KWIM? My family and friends loved him (or so I thought at the time). I was in a beautiful house, I had a nice car, a loving husband (blech), so why would I leave? Nobody knew I was miserable, because I didn't TELL anybody. I told nobody of the times when I would cry and beg for him to go to marriage counseling with me, only to get a loud, "WHY would I want to air our dirty laundry in front of a stranger" in response. I told nobody of the times he would completely ignore me for days on end because I had forgotten to make his lunch for him the night before and he had to throw something together himself in the morning. I told nobody of the time we went out to a concert and I wore a form fitting shirt and jeans because I had just lost 30 pounds and wanted to feel sexy again, only to be called trashy and get yelled at afterwards because "I had embarrassed him". He could turn anything around, and make me feel guilty over nothing. If I had watched him murder someone with my own eyes, he could've somehow made me confess to the crime, convinced that I had done the deed myself. THAT is the kind of power he had over me. I just felt ignored. Unloved. I could've been anyone else in the world, as long as his meals were made, his house was clean, and I fell over with my legs in the air a couple times a week - at which time he just used me to get what he wanted - my pleasure or desires were completely ignored. Our money was separate - oh, excuse me, that's not really true. His money was HIS money. My money was OUR money. I had to answer for every dollar I spent. There's so much more that I'm just forgetting right now, too. After we had been married for about 7 years, I got pregnant after having tried for over a year. I thought maybe a child would help my marriage. I didn't realize that's what I was thinking until months later - hindsight is always 20/20, right? I was VERY sick with my pregnancy. I was nauseous 24/7. I always felt like I needed to be near a bathroom or a trash can so I could throw up. Many evenings, XH would come home from work to find me laying on the couch, whimpering in agony. He'd say, "Why don't you get up off your @$$ and make dinner. Maybe you'll feel better if you stop being so lazy." Sigh. I lost the baby at about 2 1/2 months. Thank God. After the miscarriage, my eyes finally opened wide. One day, I was sitting on our bed, folding laundry. I was silently crying - not sobbing or whining or carrying on. XH walked in, looked at me and snapped, "Are you crying AGAIN? Why don't you just get over it." It was at that exact moment when I thought to myself, "what the hell am I still doing here?" I made the decision to leave. It took several months, but I finally did it....after having an affair. I didn't mean for it to happen, I didn't plan it...but there it is (another long story). I began the affair in February, left XH and moved in with my parents in July , moved in with a friend from work in August, moved my boyfriend whom I had the affair with in with us in September, finalized my divorce in February, and married my boyfriend in October. Yeah - it all happened pretty fast.
Okay - all that info was just background information for my current problem...
My new DH and I are happily living in a new home we just bought about 9 months ago. It's in the same town as XH. It's a small town. XH knows where we live, and has made his presence known. He drives by our house several times a day. He drives by at night, parks in front of our house, shuts off his lights and sits there to watch us from the road. We know this because we've caught him. Like I said, we live in a VERY small town, so everybody knows everybody. We've notified the local police, and they've told us that there's nothing we can do about it. He's not breaking any laws. He's on public property, he's not trespassing, he's not hurting anything, etc. My DH wants to confront him, but I won't let him. He's never been physically violent, but he COULD be. He's not completely right in the head, if you ask me. XH is not the kind that would fight someone man to man - a fair fight. He's the kind that would walk away from a fight, but then would cut the brake lines on your truck, or fiddle with something under the hood. He has a family history of schizophrenia, and his own father was accused of burning down the house of a long time enemy - but was never caught because there wasn't enough proof. XH thinks that story is funny, and is proud to tell it to anyone who'll stand still long enough. I'm worried.
I know he has every right to hate us, and I expect that. But, I don't really know what he's capable of anymore. He's recently taken to visiting my family, saying he misses them and just wants to be friends. They don't know what to do with him either, so they're civil and nice to him. But I think he's just trying to lull us into a false sense of security. I think we have reason to fear him, but I don't know what to do about it. As I said, the police have been of no help whatsoever. So far, we've been ignoring him (much to my husband's chagrin), hoping he'll get bored if he thinks he's not bothering us, lose interest and go away. It's not working. Any suggestions? Thanks.
Tammy:)
P.S. - Hi Erin!

Thanks so much for the book suggestions. I will definitely check out the library!
I know my husband's urge to confront XH is just his reaction to not being able to do anything about this mess. He just wants XH to leave us alone - his intentions are good! But, I've explained numerous times, and he understands that that would only make things worse. It's just hard for him to sit on his hands and do nothing. KWIM? Anyway, I appreciate the feedback! Thanks, again!
Tammy:)
First off, do not scare me like that again, woman! I saw your nick and thought "WHAT"? :)
Secondly, this really reminds me a bit of Al. I know everything abuse-related does that, but the big problem we have with Al is that nobody will present a united front in letting him know that he is gone. Can your family civilly, yet firmly, explain that he is not to be over at their places all the time?
Next, get "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. This book is a great resource on how to deal with stalkers, and de Becker does, in fact, advocate ignoring them as much as possible. The theory is that they see ANY contact as being encouragement ("better to be wanted by the police than not to be wanted at all") and therefore they must be ignored. You tell them once, firmly, "I do not want to see you. Ever again. I have no interest in maintaining a relationship with you, and have moved on. I expect that you will do the same." And that is it. You don't contact them again no matter what they do.
The book elaborates more than what I do, but I think this is your best start. If he does get violent and the local police will not help, contact the state troopers. (We thought we were going to go through that with Leon-the-Loony, and that is what we were advised to do.)
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Anyone who thinks it is funny to mess with you when your DH is around is either dumb as a rock, or suicidal! Our job now is to keep it from coming to that. :P
LOL! Sorry, Erin! I didn't mean to scare you!
Thanks for the book suggestions. I'll definitely be looking into it. I have asked my family to stop seeing him, etc. The problem is, and I know you've had this problem with Al, too - they feel sorry for him. They don't want to tell him to get lost because he really has nobody else. His mom is around, but she's just plain weird, and they're not very close. So, I know my family is just trying to avoid "setting him off". They think if THEY reject him, too - there's no telling WHAT he'll do. KWIM? I realize the pattern has to stop somewhere, but....it's difficult to completely extricate ourselves from him. Hell, even *I* find myself feeling sorry for him once in a while. Sigh.
Since I posted this message, he hasn't been around. I know it's only been a few days, but it's still an improvment! I will try to get my hands on those book suggestions, and keep ignoring him, AND speak with my family again about keeping him out of their lives. Blech. This just plain sucks - and this situation is minor compared to many of the ladies on this board! My heart goes out to you all!
Thanks, again!
Tammy:)
P.S. - Believe me...DH would like nothing better than to have the opportunity to thump XH on the head if he ever actually tried anything! Like you said - I just hope it never comes to that, cause there sure would be a nasty mess to clean up! LOL! ;) For those of you who are wondering...my current DH is A Very Big Man. Sweet and kind and loving, EXCEPT when someone tries to mess with someone he loves. LOL! Hopefully, this problem will just go away with time!
Tammy,
Isn't there stalking laws where you live? If so, call the police, if not get them involved anyway!
Sherry
Geez, this character really is Al's long lost twin, isn't he? :P I just wish the relatives, in both cases, would stop and ask themselves just WHY it is that these guys have no one. The answer to that question might be quite the revelation!
But, you know, there is a bright spot in this. Look what a good guy you found after Loser took a hike- perhaps SIL will do the same thing!
To Sherry- she has notified the police. If you're wondering how I know all this backstory, she and I are friends from way back. Her state does have antistalking laws, but the police in her tiny town are not, shall we say, all that diligent in their enforcement of them. If this does continue/escalate, she would want to contact the state police.
Thanks, Erin. I didn't get over here much yesterday, so I didn't see Sherry's question until this morning. Sherry - Erin hit the nail right on the head concerning the anti-stalking laws. We live in a town with less than 500 people, and everybody knows everybody. While the police know XH, and know he's got a screw loose, they won't do anything about this problem because in their eyes, he's "not really doing anything wrong".
And Erin, regarding SIL - I have every confidence she'll be able to find a great guy. After she's cleaned out the mess that Al left in her head and heart....she'll be fine! She seems to be well on her way already!