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| Thu, 06-16-2005 - 9:56pm |
Hello everyone. I am new here, my name is Meghan. I am not really sure to begin so I will just start typing. I am a 20 y/o college student, going into my junior year. I have been with my boyfriend since April 2004. The abuse (verbal, physical and sexual) started 6 months later. We met at school, When he started hitting me, it was almost always on the arms and torso so my clothes would cover them and no one at school noticed. After the first time he hit me, he told me how sorry he was and swore that he would never do it again and I fell for his lies. After school ended this year, we moved in together for the summer. He has forbidden me to have a job and I have no money of my own now. Also he flunked out of school and he is not going back and so now he says that I am not going back without him and so basically I am being forced to drop out of school. He has punched me, kicked me, thrown me down the staris and beaten me woth various things, such as his belt or a hairbrush. Sometimes I am so bruised that I can barely walk. He calls me names on a dalily basis and tells me that I am worthless and no one else will ever love me. He says that if I ever go to the hospital or tell anyone or leave him them he will kill me. I have to clear the history so that he will not know that I am visiting this site. And I if I am not in the mood well too bad, because he will make me do it. No one knows about the abuse, and he is slowly isolating me from my family and friends. If any of my loved ones, especially my best friend (who already does not like him) found out that he was hitting me then they would make me leave him and end the relationship.
I know, I know, I know that this is wrong and he should not be hitting me and treating me this way, but I am not ready to leave. Part of me believes that he will change and I really love him. I don't need anyone to judge me or to tell me to leave him, I just need to talk about this, and I need people to listen to me without judging me.

Hi Missy Meg,
No one here is going to judge you... It's not your problem - it's his problem. But he makes his problem your's and you have to live with it.
One thing is for certain, he will not change. This is him, all of him. No counseling, no anger management classes, no tears, no begging, no presents, no crying, no on-his-knees-pleading...
I'm listening to you, hon. Keep talking.
Don't isolate yourself.
Let me ask you, what is lovable about him?
Welcome to the board Meghan...
First of all, NO ONE is going to judge you on here.
Hi Meghan,
Hugs to you. My daughter went through a similar relationship in college. It was weird, I was home going through the same thing with her dad (for 27 years) and she was at college being treated just like I was. She knew it was wrong, but she also thought she loved him. Her father would give her these lectures...of course I didn't know anything and wasn't allowed to talk with her and the saga went on. I think back now and just cringe. She was getting advice from her dad who was clueless on how to treat people. My advice meant nothing and looking back now I was so brainwashed that there was no way I could identify with her. That poor kid was being used by her dad to get at me and then turning around and getting advice from this idiot on her own abusive relationship. It was hard, but she is finally free from him and enjoying life. Oh she gave him many chances, but one day it clicked and she realized that things weren't going to change. She also got to see firsthand what was happening in her own family. Her mother went from some beat up nutcase to a happy, fun woman.
We're here for you. You've got a whole life ahead of you that should be free and happy. If your boyfriend truly loved you, he would NEVER do the things he is doing to you. Keep reading and learning. In time you will see and make the changes necessary in you life. No one here will judge you...I stayed for 27 years before I realized that I didn't deserve to be treated like I was nothing.
Hugs,
Terry
Meghan,
Welcome, we are all glad your here. First of all no one here will judge you as we have all been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Thing only thing I have to say is that you are in a extremely violent and potentially deadly situation. Abusers can and sometimes kill and if he is already beating you to the point you can't walk and raping you (yes, if you don't want to do it and he forces you after you say no it's rape and nothing less) how do you know he would not kill you. I am afraid what he will do next. Abuse typically gets worse over time and after a year, you are already in deep. Remember, Lori Hacking went to bed, thinking she was having a bad arguement with her husband. She never woke up. Please don't let this be you.
Even if you don't leave just yet, please let some people in your family and close friends know what is going on so that if God forbid something happens people will know and can speak up.
You are so young and deserve so much more than this. There's a big world out there just waiting for you to discover it. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
-J
Hugs to you, Meghan. I'm not judging you - you haven't done anything to deserve this and you are not stupid or a bad person because you are still in this situation. You have to decide for yourself when you are ready to leave, but I am very worried for you - your boyfriend's level of abuse is escalating very quickly. If he's threatened to kill you if you go to the hospital, it says to me that he expects he will injure you badly enough that you will need to go to the hospital. If he really loved you, do you think he would (1) be planning to hurt you badly enough that you need to go to a hospital and (2) that he would want you to risk your health and/or life by not getting medical attention when you need it?
You may love him, but we aren't always meant to be with the people we love. As for him changing, others have quoted how slim the chances are. Do the kinds of threats he's making sound to you like what someone who was really sorry for what he's done and who wants to change would say, or do they sound like the kinds of things someone who plans to continue to hurt you would say? I know thinking of leaving him is scary and maybe it feels safer to stay and just deal with the abuse and tell yourself it's not really that bad, but you are not safe living with him. Every minute you stay you are putting yourself at risk for another attack with serious injury to happen. It takes strength to live the way you do every day, and you can use that strength to break free and start truly living again. Follow the links the other posters have indicated. When you know you have some time where he isn't around, call a domestic abuse hotline - even if you're not ready to go yet, they can provide you with information so if he forces your hand before you're ready and you need somewhere to run to you know where you can go. Work up the courage and confide in the people who love you. When you are ready to go, you will need as much support as you can get. In the meantime, you don't have to go through this alone.
-sang
Since the other posters have reassured you about being judged, I'm going to simply wade in here.
I am seriously concerned for you. He is treating you horrifically, and you've only been with him 15 months.
Please do not allow him to isolate you. He is an extremely dangerous individual. He certainly does not deserve you. I believe you know this already. Why else would you be here?
Believe me when I say that coming to this board is a very smart move. You will find a tremendous amount of support and information here. Please make full use of it while you think about what to do. May I suggest that, as a minimum, you find out how to contact a refuge in case you need one in a hurry?
In the meantime, keep posting. As you say, you need people to talk to about this and no-one understands better than people who have personal experience.
Meghan,
My heart just goes out to you! You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. There is so much for you to experience and enjoy!! You do not deserve this treatment - no one does. This is not healthy or normal. Only you can make the decision of when/if to leave AND it is YOUR decision. Not his. You do not belong to him. You are an individual.
I fear for you. His violence is extreme and escalating. It only gets worse, not better. We have all been there hoping that he would change, knowing that there was this good side to him. But is all this bad worth the little bit of good? He will not change. Not for you or anyone else.
Please Sweetie, reach out to your friends and family for the support you need. Keep posting here for support. Read the information on this board about how to recognize abuse, how to get help and how to leave safely (if you decide to leave). Take care of yourself above all else.
Lots of Hugs!!!!!