I need strength ::vent::
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I need strength ::vent::
| Sat, 04-10-2004 - 5:02pm |
I need to vent today. I am just so angry. I hate my life and what I have to deal with because of that SOB! I'm trying so hard to be positive in front of the kids. I want them to feel like they have some kind of security while they have to deal with their shouting father all the time. Today, I got up went outside to rake leaves in the yard, front and back. Did the laundry, dishes, made the lunches, etc. What does HIS sorry ass do all day??! Sleep on the freakin couch and watch!! He feels entitled to do NOTHING! Because he WORKS you know. I guess if you have a real job in this world you get to sit back and have everyone wait on you and do nothing. THere is no kind of partnership here! These kids are not seeing two parents working together, trying to raise a family together. They are seeing their mother burn out, while HE watches. On top of this I have strep throat, a migraine headache that I usually always have. Last week it was depression and all I wanted to do was sleep all day while the kids were at school. This is no kind of a life for us!! I have to wait until his sorry ass decides when we go grocery shopping. I can't go by myself because I have no access to the house money. No car for me, nothing! All because I don't work. I have been trying to find a job, let's face it, no one is going to hire a woman who has been out of work the last 10 years to raise her kids, and I am 40 yrs old, overweight, and chronically depressed because of my verbal abusive husband! I am sick all the time. Two weeks ago I was throwing up and had major gastric problems. It just doesn't end. I can't believe I am 40. No car (well it's not on the road), no home with my name on it, no credit card with my name on it, no checking/bank account....nothing!!! I just keep letting all of this happen! Now, I am at a standstill about how I should tell him to leave. Send a RO to his work so he can't come back here. Or, just get the hell out and give him everything because it's just not worth the hassle of dealing with him anymore!!! He can see how tired I look, everyone I know can. It doesn't phase him at all how he is treating us, or how we feel, etc. It's so sad. I'm just so tired and sick and at the end of my rope!
Thanks for listening!

I did get tired of his abusive ways...and he was abusive in many ways...still is..I just don't have to look at him every minute of everyday now. He controlled all the money too. When I needed groceries..I had to beg him for a cheque to get groceries..and the only way I would get it is if the house was clean enough and met his strandards.
He got a RO handed to him when he was coming home from work. I had it hand delivered to him while I was staying in saftey..because I knew he'd flip out. Along with the restraining order was a order to have him kicked out of the house. Basically he had 24 hours to get anything he needed out of the house. I feared the house would be empty when I got home..but at least he wouldn't be there. 24 hours later I came home..and he was gone but most of the belongings were still here.
As for where I am today...well ex always told me I'd never amount to anything. In a way I suppose he was right...I have a very poor paying job...I don't own a credit card...I don't own a home...nor could I afford to pay rent...I do however have a bank account now. But I don't have a real career or a job that makes me self-sufficient. But I do have a life without him in my home. Yes he's in my life and always will be..we have a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old daughter together..but at least I don't have to look at his sorry ass on the couch anymore.
Take care of yourself...and your health...you need to take sometime somehow and mend yourself physically..you sound very run down and you are going to end up with more health problems besides the strep and the migraines. Please look after yourself....and watch out for that strep...it can turn very very serious.
Take care
Wow, this sounds SO familiar.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou