I need your HELP!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
I need your HELP!!!!
5
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:52pm
I already know that I'm being abused, I'm just SCARED to DEATH to tell him to get out!!! We are not married he lives in my house and I have a 10 yo boy. So far he is only Verbally and Mentally abusive...I know this could change at anytime. I'm not afraid of him I'm afraid of the company he keeps and the threats he has made. Now how much of what he has told me is true?? I don't know but it scares me enough not to want to find out. Supposedly he has mafia connections, he had a gun in the house that I didn't know about he said it's gone but how do I know this? He has a drinking problem and he does drugs. A TRO is not going to do any good this guy thinks he's above the law and he is superior to all of those in authority and especially to women. I won't even get into how he has abused me I'm at my end and I just want him out but I'm afraid. He says things like "You know too much and others are worried your going to turn if things between us don't work out. If you ever did turn you would be sorry" The way I see it the only way to really get to me is through my son and he is evil enough to do something. My reasoning right now, stupid though it might be is, if he's still living with me then in his mind things are fine and my son and I are safe. Like I said it's only verbal and mental RIGHT NOW. I do know that this could change at any time. I don't know how to get out of this and protect my son at the same time. Any advice would be more than welcome at this point.

Thanks for listening/reading



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 8:27am
Sandi,

I'm glad to see that you recognize the abuse. Often the mental abuse is hard to recognize. Important step there. I would call your local shelter or the DV hotline and/or an attorney to get a list of options. I am no expert on this, but they are and would be able to give you some ideas. Also, look at the homepage for the safety plan and a check list of everything you should have ready in case you have to leave temporarily. I was very angry to have to leave my house when my ex-fiance went nuts. The police couldn't remove him because he wouldn't do anything in front of them, but for my safety, they suggested I leave. Unfair, but I think it saved me from a beating. Keep that in mind, even if it is your house, you might have to leave if things get violent...at least temporarily. Document everything that happens and keep it hidden in a safe place. I know everyone here will be able to give you even better advice than that. You did the right thing posting here. This board is a lifesaver. Take care, be careful and keep us posted.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 10:37am

Pepomnt is right.

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 10:54am
Hello and welcome. You have found a truly inspiring place filled with tons of support. First, congratulate yourself on hurdling the first obstacle --recognition. That you know you are being abused is quite positive. Many of us usually stumble here wondering if it is really "that bad" or if we truly "fit the profile", etc.. Upon entering the second stage -- "dealing with" abuse, you will find yourself doing much of what your post exemplifies -- rationalizing. Now, you're right, I don't "know" you or your boyfriend or exactly what he is capable of, but I do know that the threat of harm is very real for you. This "fear" of the ramifications of our actions are the EXACT result that an abuser strives for in order to maintain his control. Sure, you can tell yourself that you are safer within his presence, but the reality is that the same man that threatens to harm you if you leave is the same man you would decide to live with -- the danger remains. Now, don't get me wrong, would you be at an increased risk if you left? Yes, statistically this is always true, but you can take distinct steps to insure your safety. Are you at an increased risk if you stay? You bet. This is ALSO statistically always true. The incident that finally prompted me to take action involved him, with his hands tightly around my throat asking me if that was the way I wanted to die. It was in that moment that I knew I could/would not stay any longer because I was absolutely certain that he WAS capable of doing me great harm...or worse. This was not an isolated incident. This was a series of increasingly more severe physical attacks over the course of our relationship. I had reached the point where my option of staying seemed more dangerous than my option of telling someone and getting the heck out of dodge. I filed a police report against him that day after 10 years together, 7 years + of marriage and two children (both under 5 at the time). I mention this only because I had been telling myself a very similar tale about how if I stayed that I was actually doing my girls a service since I was always physically present to prrotect them during his rages. After a year and a half out, my (now) seven year old DD (eldest) draws a picture recently where she is to draw one picture that makes her sad, one piture that makes her feel happy and one picture that makes her feel lucky. Know what she drew. For the sad picture, it was two adults arguing and two little children standing next to the adults with sad faces. For happy was a picture of two separate house -- one for Mom and one for Dad. When I asked her why this made her happy she said, "It makes me happy to know I can visit both my Mom and their Dad in their homes without all the fighting and arguing." (The lucky picture was a picture of her and her sister and I at Disneyland. In case you were wondering. ;^)) I think this bring my point home so clearly -- although you may THINK you are protecting yourself and/or your son, in reality, the emotional damage you are allowing by staying is far worse than the threats your boyfriend is making. Even though you don't think so, MOST of these guys TALK a great threat, but once the police are actually involved and their threat is now countered by jail or prison as the retailiatory threat, the BIG talk, gets even smaller. Now, you're right, it doesn't ALWAYS work. And, this is where your CAREFUL and EXACT planning will be critical. Plan for the worst; hope for the best. ~~many gentle hugs and support your way
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:38am
I want to first thank you so much for taking the time to write me back. I have done a lot of thinking these past few days. I also got some really great books to read: Why does he do that? That was my biggest question, why does he do the things that he does? this book has helped me so much in the few days that I have had it. I'm currently out of town for work so I have had a semi-quite time, he still calls me all day and night but then "Oh I'm not in an area where I can get a signal....too bad" That seems to work at least temporarily.

Just reading that book has made me a stronger person. Ok maybe it's because I'm 800 miles away but I'm really sick and tired of everything.

You are right in everything that you said, about how do I know about his connections. I do know that he does have them but I'm not sure how deep they go. I can't imagine these people would be interested in my boyfriends problems with me, but hey you never know.

When I get back I'm going to start making some plans to end this. You were so RIGHT when you said staying is worse for my son. It still scares me to think about the consequences since my BF has no concept of right and wrong it's all his way and he knows the best way to get back at me is through my son.

Again thank you for sharing with me.

Sandi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:04am
Your right he could just be blowing smoke, except that I do know some of them, not well so I have no idea if they would do things for him or not. Everything with this guy and his friends is all about what they deem HONOR to be not the actual meaning of honor just their version. Two nights ago they the (BF and his friends) went to get the wife of one of the friends because she left him. They were all set to "Take care of" whatever male they might have found her with. I so desperately wanted to call and warn her but was more afraid of the consequences on my end. So you see he does have some connections and he is willing to do whatever for them but I don't know if they feel the same way. Not making excuses just trying to explain my position. As far as the police that would not stop him, since he is so far above the law and jail time means nothing to him. Not sure if I told you but he is very big (6'9" 300 lbs). So you see his size is another intimidator and jail would not be a problem for him.

I am not letting his threats scare me into staying just have to make a plan since I'm pretty much on my own here. My sister isn't speaking to me anymore because of him and my mom doesn't really want to hear about any of this. They don't understand how I could have gotten myself into this relationship and why I don't just leave. I am thinking of getting them the book Why does he do that? maybe that will help them understand what I'm going through.

I am not looking for sympathy just an occasional listener and you have been a great listener thanks.

Sandi