I really do feel bad for him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
I really do feel bad for him...
3
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 11:51pm
I know. I know. Hackles up a little with that intro, but I do.

H and I had a long discussion last night. I told him what I thought about everything that has gone on in our marriage, it's terrible effects on me and the kids. He alternated between mad ("you're sitting there and telling me how terrible I am") and sad, ("Me leaving would be best for the kids") but I think he got the jist. Basically I presented him with the options he has now: Change or leave. And noted that even if he does change, I am not sure that I will ever feel safe with him again.

But something he said is so sad. He mentioned it in regards to going through counseling. "I would rather die than relive my childhood." From what I know it truly was nightmarish. We're not talking garden-variety abuse (if there is such a thing.) It's just tragic to see another human so damaged. I know I can't fix him. I've been trying for 9 years. And I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that he'll never seek help on his own and that I need to get out.

But I just feel really bad because he IS damaged and he DOES need help. I worry what will happen to him when I leave.

Just venting, I guess. Nothing is ever simple.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 12:26am

Hey MG -


There's been times I've felt the same way about Nerfy.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 6:52am
MG, I can totally relate to what you are saying. My dh honestly doesn't see that his insecurities and his jealousy are HIS problems and that they have the potential to drive someone away. For the longest (and still, hence I am still here and still with him) time, I have felt guilt over even thinking bad thoughts about him, or leaving him. He "needs" someone to help him to feel better. That is co-dependent of me. I don't think I was this co-dependent when I met him, but I easily grew into it because I was raised to always think how the other person would feel and treat them accordingly. I was hurt, emotionally, as a child. I know for a fact that he was also. He doesn't. Should I tell him? Probably. But then he would "count" on me to help him if he even believed it. The facts are as they are. He is the way he is because of his upbringing. I am the way I am because of my upbringing. The difference between us is that I have been the pleaser, the protector, - the enabler to him. He will see it the other way. I still question whose reality is correct. But for him, his is. I should accept for me that mine is. I have come to realize that a lot of what I feel for my dh is pity, sympathy and compassion. Do any of those emotions equal love? No. I have avoided telling him, at my own emotional health's expense because I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle his crying and sulking. Any time I have even hinted at not being happy, he becomes this child that clings to me, calls me constantly, comes by to see me at work - all the time if he can, crys, and the body language - the slumped shoulders, the hanging head, the scuffing feet. He puts all these tactics into play and I am so programmed tha I immediately go back into the caregiver role - lieing through my teeth to try to bring him out of his slump. It is emotional manipulation at it's finest. He has never tried to hit me. He doesn't call me nasty names. He has taken to occasionally making "jokes" about my size but even that isn't something I have had to endure. He is a sad and hurt person and will be until he is able to see that his happiness can only come from him. I have learned that I give up me and my feelings and my pleasures to try to "show" him that not all people are mean spirited. But I can take care of myself and that shouldn't be considered mean spirited. If he was capable of a healthy love than I would never have found my way here. And he won't understand any of it. I have to accept that he WILL be disappointed with me because I'm no longer going to "feel" what he wants and hopes for me to feel - love for him. It is pity.

I don't know if this helped you. I think it helped me. I'm not "as" depressed about all this as I once was. I'm in an acceptance stage and trying to find the courage and the strength to somehow let him know that I'm all done. That my feelings for him are gone and I don't want to be married to him, I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to be his mother one minute then his child the next because I don't "act" the way he wants me to so he must "discipline" me to keep me where he wants me. I'm closer than I was. But I still have a ways to go. The path has been bumpy, I know that once out, I will be saying what so many others have said - "what took me so darned long?"

Hang in there. If he has "admitted" a horrible childhood but is too afraid to deal with it to get past it - it is HIS problem. You can feel the compassion for him, but you know you can't fix him.

hugs,

ples

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 7:02am
MG,

Reading your post reminded me of two Xmas's ago. The holiday was a total nightmare. Finally old Wendell and I sat down and he poured his heart out to me on how deeply depressed he was...etc. I gave in. The children saw us getting along for once and they went ballistic. My daughter just kept crying. Looking back on it now, I am still confused on the scenario. That was probably our last "family" talk. The kids (remember they are older) sat there and told Wendell how he held grudges all the time. They told me that I was mean to MIL (I wasn't mean, but I just wasn't taking any of her guilt trips anymore). Then they left to go somewhere. Old Wendell spent the rest of the evening feeling sorry for himself. For maybe a week or so he tried to be a nice person. Then back to normal..... That night was the beginning of the end. Things got worse. I saw myself declining even more and he just got meaner. In a way I do feel sorry for him. I am free of the hatred and anger he holds inside of him. Unfortunately, he will never be free himself. But alas, that is his problem.

You are becoming more aware. My thoughts are with you.

Terry