I really do feel bad for him...
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| Mon, 07-26-2004 - 11:51pm |
H and I had a long discussion last night. I told him what I thought about everything that has gone on in our marriage, it's terrible effects on me and the kids. He alternated between mad ("you're sitting there and telling me how terrible I am") and sad, ("Me leaving would be best for the kids") but I think he got the jist. Basically I presented him with the options he has now: Change or leave. And noted that even if he does change, I am not sure that I will ever feel safe with him again.
But something he said is so sad. He mentioned it in regards to going through counseling. "I would rather die than relive my childhood." From what I know it truly was nightmarish. We're not talking garden-variety abuse (if there is such a thing.) It's just tragic to see another human so damaged. I know I can't fix him. I've been trying for 9 years. And I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that he'll never seek help on his own and that I need to get out.
But I just feel really bad because he IS damaged and he DOES need help. I worry what will happen to him when I leave.
Just venting, I guess. Nothing is ever simple.
MG

Hey MG -
There's been times I've felt the same way about Nerfy.
CL-Blueliner4
I don't know if this helped you. I think it helped me. I'm not "as" depressed about all this as I once was. I'm in an acceptance stage and trying to find the courage and the strength to somehow let him know that I'm all done. That my feelings for him are gone and I don't want to be married to him, I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to be his mother one minute then his child the next because I don't "act" the way he wants me to so he must "discipline" me to keep me where he wants me. I'm closer than I was. But I still have a ways to go. The path has been bumpy, I know that once out, I will be saying what so many others have said - "what took me so darned long?"
Hang in there. If he has "admitted" a horrible childhood but is too afraid to deal with it to get past it - it is HIS problem. You can feel the compassion for him, but you know you can't fix him.
hugs,
ples
Reading your post reminded me of two Xmas's ago. The holiday was a total nightmare. Finally old Wendell and I sat down and he poured his heart out to me on how deeply depressed he was...etc. I gave in. The children saw us getting along for once and they went ballistic. My daughter just kept crying. Looking back on it now, I am still confused on the scenario. That was probably our last "family" talk. The kids (remember they are older) sat there and told Wendell how he held grudges all the time. They told me that I was mean to MIL (I wasn't mean, but I just wasn't taking any of her guilt trips anymore). Then they left to go somewhere. Old Wendell spent the rest of the evening feeling sorry for himself. For maybe a week or so he tried to be a nice person. Then back to normal..... That night was the beginning of the end. Things got worse. I saw myself declining even more and he just got meaner. In a way I do feel sorry for him. I am free of the hatred and anger he holds inside of him. Unfortunately, he will never be free himself. But alas, that is his problem.
You are becoming more aware. My thoughts are with you.
Terry