I Screwed Up
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| Sun, 08-27-2006 - 1:33pm |
After over a month of not seeing him, started counseling- actually having a great session last Tuesday...doing ok, relying on these boards and starting to get my strength..I saw him.
Went to my first professional football game Friday, drank beer (normally don't)..which probably was intensified by the meds..or I'm trying to come up w/ a good excuse..then I come home and I called him. It's my 'non-kid' weekend. And he came over and I spent the entire weekend w/ him. Him telling me all I've heard before. Knowing 'real life' is starting up- kids come home (it was always a double life since I first had him arrested- kids have no idea I've seen him), work, and so on.
He's 'so serious' about treating me good, after all, this is the first time I've been away from him for so long. He can't live without me, we belong together..and of course I believe none of it. And it's weird, I feel like I almost can't wait for him to snap and call me terrible names, so I can stop the madness.
I feel like I let myself down. I felt like I was living a lie the whole weekend. I don't have hope anymore, but it was nice to be told all the BS and to be held. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I can't believe my dumba*s self.

Yes I have done it before. I didn't spend the whole weekend with my abuser - but I did see him. But yes, they say all the same things over (I will change, I can't live without you, blame me for problems...) But, I was getting smarter, and I was standing up for myself. I like to think that my abuser never thought he could win with me. Because on the last day he said to lose his number and never call him again. I did text him and he said to lose his number again. I am sure he will tell his next girlfriend how horrible I am, what a bitch I was, everything I did that really never happened - it was just turned around by him. I do feel sorry for the next girl.
You don't need anyone else telling you that you screwed up and made a mistake because you already know that. You should look at them as experiences. Next time if you are thinking of phoning him, you should just think of today and how you felt after he left.
Try and have a good day....I have started off at day 1 a few times. But you know what the first couple days are very difficult after day 1 but it does get easier.
Lauren