I screwed up bad
Find a Conversation
|Sun, 02-26-2012 - 1:01pm|
I saw him..I was at the playground w/ my baby and he went by and then came up..told me the truth about some stuff...said everything I want to hear..I let him come over, but it was eggshells..I couldn't be hurt over what he's done...he keeps telling me "I need help", he says he is sober and he's not going to let 'me push him back into an angry place'...he says things like 'I know how you are'...if I tried to talk about anything that has happened, he brings up things in his fantasy land that he thinks i did- over 6, 7 years ago...he blames everything on me..I think I am crazy. Am I supposed to be a cyborg w/ no feelings? He owns nothing..he says sh8t like, "I told you the truth and you should be happy I told you so you can move on' or 'I would think you would think to yourself, damn, I know how much stress he's under and he's trying to stay sober, so I won't interrogate him'. If I ask questions, I'm interrogating him. Needless to say he has shut me down again...after the deliveries, the letters to 'the baby', he admitted how he drove around all the time, hoping to run into me...well, he found me. I think he just likes to reassure himself that I'm alone, haven't moved on...then he sticks the knife in more and goes about his business. And our court stuff? well, he's just going to get a baby smack on the wrist and we'll be done w/ our stuff.
I deserve this pain i feel right now, because I let him do this to me again. My god, maybe I am everything he says..I feel crazy. I don't think i'm ever going to get over this monster. wtf is wrong w/ me? can anyone out there tell me how long, how many times, how much you put up w/ before you saw the light? please? someone please tell me. I'm not suicidal, but sometimes i just wish my heart would give out so the pain would stop. It hurts when he's not here, it hurts when he is...I'm back at phase 1 of horrible pain and it's all my fault.