I screwed up bad

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
I screwed up bad
11
Sun, 02-26-2012 - 1:01pm

I saw him..I was at the playground w/ my baby and he went by and then came up..told me the truth about some stuff...said everything I want to hear..I let him come over, but it was eggshells..I couldn't be hurt over what he's done...he keeps telling me "I need help", he says he is sober and he's not going to let 'me push him back into an angry place'...he says things like 'I know how you are'...if I tried to talk about anything that has happened, he brings up things in his fantasy land that he thinks i did- over 6, 7 years ago...he blames everything on me..I think I am crazy. Am I supposed to be a cyborg w/ no feelings? He owns nothing..he says sh8t like, "I told you the truth and you should be happy I told you so you can move on' or 'I would think you would think to yourself, damn, I know how much stress he's under and he's trying to stay sober, so I won't interrogate him'. If I ask questions, I'm interrogating him. Needless to say he has shut me down again...after the deliveries, the letters to 'the baby', he admitted how he drove around all the time, hoping to run into me...well, he found me. I think he just likes to reassure himself that I'm alone, haven't moved on...then he sticks the knife in more and goes about his business. And our court stuff? well, he's just going to get a baby smack on the wrist and we'll be done w/ our stuff.

I deserve this pain i feel right now, because I let him do this to me again. My god, maybe I am everything he says..I feel crazy. I don't think i'm ever going to get over this monster. wtf is wrong w/ me? can anyone out there tell me how long, how many times, how much you put up w/ before you saw the light? please? someone please tell me. I'm not suicidal, but sometimes i just wish my heart would give out so the pain would stop. It hurts when he's not here, it hurts when he is...I'm back at phase 1 of horrible pain and it's all my fault.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sun, 02-26-2012 - 1:13pm

this is a good time to take pen and paper and write all the things you wish you chould have said to him while he was in VIOLATION of the protection order...you let him come over so you too were in violation, and reporting him this time could get you into trouble as well...so just write everything down on paper and get it out of your mind and heart so you can function...and next time he shows up where you are remind him that this is in violation of a court order and you will report him if he does not depart immediately, get your cell phone out ready to call to report to show him you mean what you are saying....

see if you lawyer can ask the courts to put in a clause that states all gifts and cards are to be sent to the court or a court ordered overseer that specializes in dv so the "messages" can be weaned out and kept from you...just some ideas

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Sun, 02-26-2012 - 2:32pm

Yes, I did violate..I'm so used to it, honestly. I have to learn to deny him completely. No more mail, no calls...I need to get out there and have some life. I give up on the courts...they plea him down so low and he just gets away w/ everything, so I quit. The only court I care about is family court now...my baby. I hate myself for allowing this to happen. I'm never going to achieve the apathy i wish for...

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sun, 02-26-2012 - 4:12pm

Good grief, Live, give yourself a break.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sun, 02-26-2012 - 4:15pm

yes you WILL develop the apathy, it just takes time...cut yourself some slack. There are a lot of scum bags out there manipulating women and their emotions for their own enjoyment...you are not the first and unfortunately, you wont be the last either...

Start processing, and do check into some group therapy in your area with the domestic abuse groups...it sounds like a lot of trouble, especially when it involves babysitting for the baby, but it is SOOOOO worth it...first you get to get out of the house, second you get adult interaction, third you get to develop new friendships with women who are going through exactly what you are going through so you can realize you are not rowing that boat all by yourself but are in good company with other very intelligent women who were played just like you were....third, it will help you process this garbage in a healthy and effective manner so you can heal and move forward toward that apathy you long for.

Then I am going to teach you the same word I seem to be teaching all of my clients...this word is so very hard to pronounce and often difficult to use in a complete sentence...but it is very easy to spell....are you ready?

You need to learn the word "NO" it is ok to tell people, especially your abuser, NO...the world will not come to an end, the earth will not open up and swallow you up, and fire will not rein from heaven if you tell someone "NO"...in fact, all of my clients who have started using that very difficult word have reported the weight that falls off of their shoulders once they say No and nothing bad happens...as a matter of fact they are finding their lives so much easier to live now that they have incorporated that simple word into their vocabulary....So each time you even think of your abuser, I want you to say OUT LOUD regardless who is around...NO...you need to start telling him NO every time he enters your thoughts, you need to start telling him NO every time your heart starts missing him...you need to start telling him NO every time he sends stuff to

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Sun, 02-26-2012 - 7:47pm

And I need to give up on trying to figure out why he is like he is...how can he be so heartless.

I wish I could move away. I owe so much more than my house is worth. And I think I have to ask the court if I can move...I may look into that, just to see. I have a cousin that lives far away and I have family 5 hours away. I think I do need to get away from here. Unless he moves...but then again, he always has the power of knowing where I live.

I've been sobbing since I've seen him. I'm worn down right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Sun, 02-26-2012 - 9:21pm

I didn't realize you posted, I was so upset earlier. I'm so freaking tired of this roller coaster. I AM ready to say no. I will practice saying no..I don't know where to begin in finding a support group, but I will call some hotlines tomorrow. I'm going to give myself tonight to feel what I need to and get to work tomorrow. Because it is work. I need to invest in me...I want a healthy mind, I don't want to waste even more life crying and i need some coping skills. I get so much from you all in this forum, so I know a support group would be a good investment of time. I appreciate all of you taking time to reach out to me. I feel so whiney and stupid a lot and I don't have anyone else to go to...everyone else in my world would just simply think, or say, 'you're better off' or something like that.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 12:02am
Live, womenslaw.org has resources listed by state. All you have to do is go to their website and click on your state in the drop down menu. A window will open and you can scroll until you find the listings for the city in which you live. It's really simple. Good luck and let us know what you found. Keep us posted. It's not easy getting the abuser out of your head, but all of us here are living proof that it CAN be done. Hang in there, except for this one little set back, you're doing great. Keep us posted, we're pulling for you.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 9:53pm

((hugs)) We are so rough on ourselves sometimes!! We go from being abused by the abuser to abusing ourselves for not doing what we think we should do. It is normal that you want to see him change and sadly it may take a few times of him behaving this way for you to realize he is never going to change. Then one day you will realize even if he did change you no longer care because it is way to late for that. Sadly it does take time. I am not sure at what point I no longer cared what my abuser did and I just wanted him gone but even after that I still had contact. It is even worse when children are involved because we want them to be a good parent for our child(ren) but often they are not able to be what we want for them and that is really hard to accept.

Nothing you are doing or feeling is abnormal so please find a way to be easier on yourself. Lean from this experience and use it to remind yourself that your dd and you are better off with out him. ((hugs))


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 1:55pm

I finally got all known numbers blocked from my cell and home phone..he got to me this morning, and I fed into it and cried, begged for him to stop being mean to me..he told me he will start treating me like a woman when I start showing him respect as our baby's dad (he is so irate because I won't let him take her), and calling child support and canceling the order..I finally stopped when he kept saying 'I hate you, you're making me hate you even more' 'I hope you die, I just want you to die' and throwing a woman in my face, saying he'll call her and how great she is in bed..that's just a little bit. It's amazing how he 'just'- like a couple days ago- started tt me and how quickly he started this up. The problem is before, I always let him back and did whatever he demanded. My baby is MINE and until a court makes me do something I don't want to do, I will NOT. He thinks I should let him take her places, etc. He threatened he can now pass a drug test and has an awesome lawyer.I can't even think that far, it will drive me crazy..but I can't see how he can go from having supervised visits to keeping her overnight, just because he passes a drug test..esp in light of the fact he was kicked out of the state facility where the supervised visits took place. AND I found out he had sex w/ OUR CASEWORKER!!!!! so much makes sense now from when I was dealing w/ that place.I think the state should be held accountable. Anyway. All known numbers are blocked. i will call for support groups either later or tomorrow. I spent the morning at the dr's- have to get another small surgery on my foot!! And after all the crying, etc..I'm just worn. I'm going to take the baby and see my parents and my granny. I now know , more than ever, how important it is to have zero- absolutely zero- contact. You shouldve heard the pure evil of his voice.

As always, thanks ladies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 1:59pm

Also- our pfa is expired and we no longer have a no contact. Our trial is canceled because they gave him a plea bargain at yesterday's case review and he got probation. Just when In Dec they made a big deal about how he cannot do probation and gave him 45 days in jail for multiple VOP's...but he got probation again. no conditions.

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