I think I blew it
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| Sat, 06-18-2005 - 9:52am |
Yesterday I was at work and my husband called. For the last couple of days I have just been laying low and keeping myself occupied. Yet, I am consumed with all the details of what needs to be done. I think about my situation A LOT!! I have a constant knot in my stomach - I feel anxious and fearful - I feel an impending doom kind of feeling. In fact, I am probably just situationally depressed, because when I think about my new apartment, I feel a sense of relief and "fun". It is just all the planning and deviousness (on my part) that needs to take place before I get there.
So I'm at work and my husband calls. He was very nice to me on the phone (I guess I got sucked in) and he asked me what is wrong. I told him "I'm just depressed. I have no interest in any thing and I feel sad." Suddenly, he switched to his old self. He said, "well so am I. I have no interest in any thing either" I didn't get defensive when he said that - I just rolled my eyes and knew he wasn't going to get it. So I changed the subject.
Suddenly, he said "I have to go. Goodbye" and he hung up. Usually he ends every conversation with "I love you" so I knew he was pi**ed about something. I just let it go and didn't call back. Well my daughters were at the house with him and the plan was that he would take them into town when he had to go to work (remember we live on an island) and I would get off work, pick them up somewhere and take them to catch the bus back home. About 30 minutes after he hung up on me, my daughter called me and said "did he go to work without us?" Apparently, he grabbed his lunch bag and stormed out of the house. Of course the girls had no idea that he had just had a conversation with me on the phone and they had no idea what was up. I told them to wait until 4:00 and if he wasn't there by then, to call me and I would have to leave work early and drive to the ferry and pick them up. I knew he did one of two things: 1) he took his lunch bag to make us all feel anxious about what to do for 2 hours; or 2) he would have a change of heart and come back home to pick them up. At 3:50, he pulled into the driveway and my daughter called me back to say that he was there. It is a 45 minute drive into the city and when he dropped the girls off (I was waiting) they got in the car and said that he did not say ONE word to them on the drive in. There was total silence the entire time and they didn't know what was up so they just shut up. (This really makes me mad, because it just proves how insiduous abuse really is). I was really proud of myself up to this point, because I did not 1) call him back; or 2) get out of the car when he dropped the girls off. I drove to the bank to get some money and I seen his car parked there too. The girls wanted me to wait until he left, but I said "no, I'm going to get some money and be right back." I walked in and seen him at the ATM - I went up to the other ATM beside him and by this time he was done and seemed as if he was running to his car. I shrugged and went about my business. NO FUNDS!!! Every bit of it was transferred to HIS account (we have a joint account and we each have our own).
I seen red.
I ran to my car, jumped in and said "which way did he go?" The girls are "huh?? what's wrong?" I told them that he drained our account. They said "why" and I said "who knows." I seen him across the parking lot and I went after him. He immediately tried to get away from me. He started driving like an idiot, weaving in and out of traffic, not putting his blinker on and turning at the last minute. I stayed right on his butt. At one point, I was driving so fast, I had to slam on the brakes to avoid smashing into him and I missed his car by inches. The girls were screaming the entire time. I was sooooo mad!!!!
He finally pulled into his favourite restaurant (where he gets his supper every time he works nights) as if he didn't have a care in the world. I jumped out of the car and could see that he was actually nervous. In front of everyone I said "you took all the money from the account when you know I need some to put my daughter's on the bus. Why would you do that?" He glares at me and says "you told me you are depressed" I lost it! I said "I tell you my FEELINGS and that justifies you taking the money from the account?? That is abuse!!! Those are MY FEELINGS!!!! I am depressed because I live with YOU - an abusive man!!" Suddenly, he said he would give me the money but he wanted to get his supper first. I said "no, the girls need to get on the bus in 30 minutes. I need the money now." He said "follow me to the bank then." I stayed right on his butt the whole time, but he didn't try to drive away. He walked into the bank, came out and handed me the money. The girls were furious! I was crying! I'm so SICK of this stuff. When he came out, I stepped out of the car and said loudly (and I didn't see all the people standing around - I just felt so angry) "what you did is abusive. How can you act like this in front of my daughters? You have a daughter of your own (she is 10) and this is going to come back and bite you in the a**" I left.
The girls said that he looked scared to death of ME the whole time. I didn't notice that. I just knew that I had something to say. Apparently a couple of days earlier, one daughter had said to another, "does mom even mouth back to him??" and after this happened she said "well I guess that answers my question about mom being mouthy"
I drove the girls to the bus JUST in the nick of time. One decided to stay an extra night because she was worried about me. We went to a movie and had a good time. We even talked about abuse and self-esteem. I'm going to drive her home today to keep me out of the house before he goes to work. I'll come back when he is gone.
I feel like I blew it. I was doing great until it seemed that he pulled something over on me. Then I lost it.
Imagine someone getting angry and abusive BECAUSE you said you are depressed!!!!! That man needs so much help!!

Hey Toady,
Gosh, what an ordeal! Don't blame yourself, though. It's easy to get sucked in, especially when we're feeling bad. My ex was the same way. Sometimes I'd forget and actually tell the guy what I was really feeling, and I'd always regret it later. Anything he could use against me, he would, and he'd do it when I was at my most vulnerable.
I love the way you stood up to him! That was great! And in front of a bunch of people, too. You've got to feel good about that. :)