I think I messed up

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
I think I messed up
6
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 2:21pm
What a roller coaster ride this weekend has been...

I was slowly building some confidence, slowly sneaking some stuff from his house to mine. We worked together to get my car in semi-running shape. Yay! AND I got my phone turned back on! Double yay!

But things got messed up somehow. I don't know what set him off, but I didn't feel like pretending, and when we started fighting, I told him my beliefs that he was abusive. I tried to give points and proof and facts and reasons and what was I thinking? I don't know if I thought he would believe me or why I would even want him to... I guess I needed to know if he would be willing to admit it and try to change for me? I don't know what switched that feeling on when the day before I was looking forward to just getting away from him. Perhaps it was the talk with his father about how "sweet and generous" my bf really is and how he is just "young and immature." His powers of manipulation and convincing me of things were so strong at this point. It really is amazing.

The fight escalated and I packed my stuff to leave, and even though I told him I would be back, he still attacked me. It was an attempt to drag me and my stuff back into the house and punish me for thinking about leaving. He didn't hit me. He just shoved and grabbed and squeezed and threw me around. He called me nasty names. He threw some things at me... the remote control, which is a common one. Heh. What is it about the remote? He pulled on my backpack too many times and too roughly and my back hurt too badly to move normally for about 24 hours.

So I stayed. In fact, for some reason, he convinced me by doing that that I was obligated to. But he didn't win 100% because I didn't keep it a secret this time. He invited my cousin, sister, my friend, and his friends to make a nice public appearance that night and I told the girls what he did. I didn't lie about why I was having trouble walking.

However, my desire to leave has gone down. ???? Why is that? In fact, my desire to do anything seems to have gone down a giant notch. This board always helps me feel better/stronger, so I decided to post. I need enlightenment.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:23pm

It was a tiny boo-boo, but no worries.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 2:06pm
I don't think you have messed up. It is dangerous to confront the abuser by yourself, however. It is always best to have any sort of discussion in the presence of others. When you finally show up to collect your things, bring a friend or family member with you. The thing I have learned is that even though he may physically harm you, all that he has to do is claim that you did it back and then both parties go to jail. Don't take that chance. Leaving is one of the hardest things I have ever been faced with, but it is the best thing I have ever done. The freedom to do whatever I feel like doing is overwhelming. It's like a huge weight has been lifted and I can breathe again. Be strong and do it for yourself, you'll be so much happier in the long run. You will find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated, not like a piece of property. It is with time that you become conditioned to think you won't find anyone better. Believe me, it's SO NOT TRUE! Once you've taken time for yourself and healed, you will know what you want and won't settle for less. Good luck, my prayers are with you.


Edited 8/3/2004 2:10 pm ET ET by amberbella7
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:51pm
been there and done that......

think about how you felt when you got those things accomplished! Didn't you feel on top of theo world? chin high, like you were just marvolous? kinda like when you made that good grade in school and just couldn't wait to get home and tell somebody? imagin that feeling eveyday..............



isnt it great? keep your head up! you deserve it!



"Don't let the devil still your joy!"

shay

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 3:36am
Thank you, everyone, for the input and support.

I can't pinpoint what is stopping me from escaping right now. Freedom doesn't sound so appealing yet, I guess. I'm scared. Couldn't tell you exactly what of.

Still reading "Why Does He Do That" and freaked that it is so accurate. One weird side effect, however, is that I find myself considering other men that could be abusers...

Also, some advice please... I've been told from a couple sources (I think here and from the book) that I should contact exes to find out about his past history of abuse. I have found a way to contact one but I'm scared for some reason. I think I'm scared she will tell him... or tell me something to reaffirm that this whole mess is all in my head and that she will have no idea what I'm talking about... so how do I go about this?

Thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:41am
Hi Teo,

Hey, you don't need to contact exes to validate the abuse. It's there in black and white. The sucker is so insecure he is using force to keep you. You deserve more than that. Don't be upset with yourself for not being able to make the move. You will, but realize that the move might be made with a few broken bones or worse. You've made some positive moves...keep it up!

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 6:08am
I know exactly why I stay. I have no money and no where to go.

As long as we are not getting hit, I can stand the verbal stuff. But the time is inching closer. I can feel it.

Good Luck, sweety!