I think I need to just get on with my life.

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I think I need to just get on with my life.
37
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 6:02pm

My boyfriend of three years isn't great with communication. He has a very short fuse and he thinks everything I suggest to improve our relationship, or anything I ask him to do for me is a method of me trying to "control" him. If he's in a bad mood, he mumbled under his breath, sarcastically laughs, curses, etc...as if he's talking to himself but I know it's to get at me. He doesn't know when to shut up. he trys to make me look to be at fault for everything, to avoid conversation . he has threated to hit me twice.  once he grabbed my wrists . were were in a heated argument, and after going through some therapy I have learned to not speak out of anger. But when he acts the way he does just because I remind him of something that needed to be done a month ago, it irritates me so much. i dont even know if couples therapy can help. are these signs i should end is?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 6:56pm

Therapy taught you not to speak out of anger, rather than to leave a person who threatens to hurt you?  Good gravy, do you ever need a different therapist!

Vettech2b, you have come to the right place.  In just a little while you will begin to meet the wonderful women who have had the same experiences you've had, and can speak directly to ways you can help and protect yourself.  I hope you don't mind, but you've only told a bit of what has been going on with your boyfriend.  I want to post some links so the readers on this board can understand the whole story.

 http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Problem-Solving-for-Couples/I-want-to-start-a-family-but-I-don-t-know-if-my-boyfriend-is/m-p/119533285/message-uid/119533285#U119533285

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 10:22pm

VEt, from what I've read, that sounds like a darned good idea to me.  Do you have somewhere safe to go that he doesn't know about?  Leaving a jerk like him is kind of like ripping off a bandaid, it only hurts for a short time, then you realize it was the best thing you could ever do.  Being a kind and compassionate person (what vet tech isn't? ;-} ) of course you don't want to hurt him, but think back on what all he's done to you, how he's treated you and allow yourself to become angry.  Then channel that anger into the energy you need to start rebuilding your life without him.  The way I see it, the only regrets you will have will be the ones borne of staying with him.  He's an abuser and he's not going to get any better, no matter how much you love him.  I'm sure he's told you at least a thousand times that no one else is ever going to love you or want you the way he does.  Girl, let's hope not.  His kind of love is NOT love, it's power tripping and control, to feed his own feelings of inadequacy and need for control.  Get your things together, grab the things that can't be replaced and get the heck out of there.  The rest of it is just stuff and can be replaced.  Rip that bandade off and begin your new life of freedom from abuse.  Keep reading and posting, we're here for you 24/7.  Let us know you're safe. 

Mama Harmony

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 6:59pm

I'll tell you this the same as I would tell any other poster on this board.  Stop making excuses for him.  He may have seen you through some bad circumstances that affected him negatively, but I'll be will to bet anything he throws them up in your face every single chance he gets.  If you do decide to go to counseling, and I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, DO NOT ATTEND COUNSELING AS A COUPLE.  It will almost always backfire on you and he will end up using what he's learned  or heard you talk about against you.  And any counselor who has any experience in working with DV will not agree to see you together.  Of course the abusers in our lives have many qualities that we look for in a partner, or we wouldn't have become involved with them in the first place.  Abusers are charming, they tell us what we want to hear, they treat us like gold, indulge us, and then once they know we are hooked, they slowly start reeling us in.  They start to train us with words, or a look, or a sigh, then before you know it, they start telling us what they don't want us to do.  Then our friends and families become their targets, and the list goes on and on until finally, we are under their total control and we truly do doubt our own judgement and ability to make good decisions.  This is classic abuser manipulation and CONDITIONING.  Without that slow, subtle training, they wouldn't be able to get someone roped in.  But in the end, it's reall all about them, their desires, their needs, their lives.  We are simply there to meet every one of them, and when we don't, it's all our fault, even though we were never even told what those desires or needs are, we are just expected to KNOW and also accept whatever they do as right.  I hope you find the strength to get out before things get any worse.  Once of the best things you can do for yourself is contact the local domestic abuse resources where you are.  You can find them listed by state at womenslaw.org.  Please make that first phone call and find out about counseling for yourself and support group, where you will meet others who are on the same path you are.  There is strength in knowing that others will support your decisions without judging, and who will share their own strength with you when yours is low.  But it's all up to you and you alone.  No one can make this choice for you or make you make it for yourself.  It's all yours.  This is empowerment, and it's the gift we give ourselves when we decide to leave an abusive relationship.  I hope you decide to leave because it's not going to get any better.  I made the mistake of attending counseling together with the abuser in my life and it was an unmitigated disaster, and at times, downright dangerous.  I always dreaded the ride home, because if it didn't go the way he wanted it to, he drove like a maniac, and that was just the beginning.  My best to you.  Keep us posted.


Mama Harmony

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 8:26pm
My ex had road-rage!
Thank-fully I do not get in to a vehicle with him any-more. Saw him again today, but pretty sure he didn't see me. I was waiting for the bus. He hated that I was no longer dependant on him...never really was...for a ride...he hated I started taking it.
We were in two accidents and at least one that I was not.
He tended to drive fast and although he did not drink he might as well have been the way he acted.
Never get in ANY vehicle with THEM...they also can try to throw you out or leave you. Alternatively not let you out.
:smileysad:...
Nightangel
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 9:57am

I agree with what has been said but the thing about not speaking in anger. I use to have a really good filter on myself. If I say something even in anger I mean it but know at times it I best to leave something unsaid till everyone has a chance to calm down. My ex husband broke that filter by pushing me to the point that if I thought it I said it and at least one thing I said could have been used to hurt one of my children so I had to explain it to her so she understood why I had felt when I was pregnant with her that walking away from her was in her best interest but how once I held her that was never ever happening. I hated myself for telling him that but she is OK with it and understand so it is all good. But I do this with other people now and wish I could get my filter all the way back. Also when dealing with an abuser it is not always safe to speak some things on our mind at any point but in anger can be even worse and dangerous.

Abusers can change but it takes a lot of work for them to do so and most are not strong enough to put in the time or to take the first step to getting help and that is to fully admit they are the one with the problem and need help. It is only like 1 or 2% of abusers who change and then some who do change simply find a new way to be abusive. Guess I was lucky mine abuser abused me in every way so no way for him to change, LOL.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 10:00am

I love all the posts to you vet tech and will add that my exH who was abusive was always at times there for me. I remember when I had to go to a doctor or job interview he at first seemed very supportive but then like Cajon said he turned it all around on me when he could.. It was like when I remember I burned my hand once and I had to get some surgery on it I was so frightened that his medical insurance wouldnt pay for it and that he would be so upset that I had to see a doctor out of the coverage.. Well? I had  no choice and at first exH didnt care but then when the bills came he was really mad that I didnt wait until I had a doctor in coverage. He blamed it all on me and I could have lost my hand or been badly scarred. He went ballistic at times when things werent going his way and would blame all of his misfortunes on me..

My ex H could charm the pants off of anyone but it wasnt real. It was for a short time until the next blow up or the next time he felt like acting all crazy because he could and I would take it..

So yeah I remember those times when I was being treated well but it didnt last very long.. I always used to wonder where is the guy I married or that guy w ho was nice and supportive and there for me .. He really didnt exist nor ever existed.. The nasty npd mean abusive man is who he was and the nice man only came out when he wanted something ..

Take Care

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 10:08am

Free I remember times mine as there for me too. The last two weeks of my pregnancy with my oldest was spent in the hospital and he hardly ever left my side. He went home to shower and take care of the dogs only. He did anything I wanted while I was in the hospital and I remember at least one nurse saying how lucky I was. Sad thing is I knew I wasn't and this was back when I thought it was me who caused him to act the way he did since he only ever acted that way with me!! I also at this time thought my oldest would be better off if I walked away from her after she was born because I was so horrible to bring out this monster. Thankfully when I held her I knew I could never walk away from her but still he was a great guy in public for years before his filter broke and he started acting up no matter where we were.

This is how they suck us in and keep us!!


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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 11:27am
Free so true!
My ex never really was the man I thought he was ever. He was nice because...like you said he wanted something, it benefited him.
It served a purpose for him to get whatever he wanted/needed at the time.
He was a chameleon. (not too sure if I spelled that right)
They act at first differently in public vs private and then they don't seem to care at all. The "Monster" does eventually come out, and they show their "True" colours to others.
I remember at the hospital asking me who he was and then telling him he had to leave, they knew I didn't want him to be there. I was having a Heart Attack and he was ALL over me. In a moment of weakness I called him to please take me to the hospital. His main concern was sex...that's when I realized just how little he cared about me. He didn't love me, he never loved me. It was ALWAYS about him and would ALWAYS be about him.
They are nice to get something in return...
To get back together, to suck you back in. For us to forget and forgive them. To shuffle the blame back on us. They usually tell us it's our fault they got mad...it's something we said or did doesn't matter it could be something we didn't say or do...their rules change to keep us second-guessing ourselves and them. Mind games!...They really do not like it if we begin to question them and/or the relationship. As we realize more and more they try to hang on tighter.
So glad I got out and got my Life and my Sanity back.
We ALL deserve that!
Nightangel
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 1:51pm
Vet, all the more reasons to get this cancer out of your life, hon. He's never going to truly be there for you. Please seek counseling for yourself via an domestic abuse agency. There is also an element of co-dependency here that it would probably be a good thing to explore. I know you feel "stuck", but you can get out of this. If you are concerned about leaving your pets, send me a private message, letting me know where you are located and I will see what I can work out with all my friends in rescue organizations who are also DV survivors and former members of this board. They will move heaven and earth to make sure your pets get out safely when you do, and that they have a wonderful place to go until you are able to reclaim them and take them to you new, safe, happy home.

Mama Harmony

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 1:59pm
That's really cool Cajun...:smileyhappy:...
One of the Red Flags is how they treat pets, your pets...
They are jealous of everybody and everything. Irrational jealousy!
Your family, your kids, your friends, and family pets...They don't want ANY competition for your affection or attention.
Nightangel

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