I think I'm back in the cycle

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
I think I'm back in the cycle
5
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:12pm
I posted on this board back in the fall. I was going to leave H back then. He begged me to stay saying he would go to counseling with me. I was skeptical but gave it a try. He was not very open in the sessions but the counselor was good and called him on his sh*t. We talked alot outside of counseling. Well, I thought everything was ok and let him talk me out of continuing the counseling. I got pregnant and then lost the baby at 9 weeks. He was wonderful during this entire time.

Well a few weeks after the miscarriage it all started again. It has been very subtle put downs and criticism about my weight. Yes, I need to lose weight and put some on since we went into counseling but saying things about "my fat stomach" isn't necessary. Over the last two weeks he has been rough housing with me. "playing around". He had a stroke because I went out to happy hour instead of working out.

I went back to our counselor alone. I wasn't sure if I was overreacting but my radar is going off here! He thinks I am correct in being concerned. He doesn't believe H has even begun to delve into his issues. He told me to set a time limit with H which I did do. I gave him a two month period to take care of this stuff or I'm gone. He still doesn't get it. He thinks because he hasn't actually hit me again that it's not abuse.

Am I wrong to be concerned here?? I am going tomorrow night to a DV support group. H is scared and doesn't want me to go. He has been sugary sweet since I saw the counselor but it's not real.

Opinions and advice are definitely welcomed at this point!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:01pm
Hi,

First off, I think your terminology may be incorrect. YOU aren't "in the cycle"....HE IS...well, unless of course unless you allow him to draw you back in...

I really do understand what you are having to deal with here. My H never has hit me, it's all been verbal and/or emotional. All the counseling I have gone through has helped. (I am still with him.) I have learned how not to react. My reactions and behaviors are totally different than before. And he has gotten better. Is he issue free? No, and he may never be. But he has gotten better, but more importantly, I HAVE. I know how to deal with it.

It doesn't mean I am not "in the cycle", as you say, but I deal with it a lot better.

Most everyone on this board will tell you to leave him and he will never change. Me? Well, I say it is all up to you, whatever you decide to do. If you stay, however, you need to know how to protect yourself and how not to react (or change your reactions to him when he says or does something that gets to you.)

Basically, he gets some kind of "pay off" when he says or does something to you (your behavior in reaction to this). You need to take away the pay off. That may bring about some changes.

Obviously I am no psychologist, and I am just a normal person. But your letter "got to me" and I wanted to respond.

I say continue your counseling, read the recommended reading (on this site), and make your decision based on what you know, what you live and how you feel. It doesn't have to be a decison that is rushed either. Take your time to decide.

Until then, I am on your side and am here for you. Feel free to email me, if you shoose to chat through emails...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:31pm
I believe there are alot of men and women that believe abuse is only physical. My ex has never acknowledged abusing me. He believes abusing women is (in his words) "thumping on someone till they are black and blue". My ex was only physical a couple of times and it was very minor. But the verbal, emotional, sexual and financial abuse was extremly painful.

In my opinion I don't think your wrong being concerned at all. In fact I think you should be concerned. Of course he doesn't want you to go to a support group...you might gain some strength there and he'd hate for that to happen. He wants all the strength now.

You mentioned a time limit. That is what I did too. I said over and over again I was going to leave. I set times...they passed. But one days (after losing a close friend in a car accident) I started realizing how short life can be. We only have one life...and it can end at anytime. Is it fair to ourselves to allow someone to control us...belittle us..intimidate us...put a fear in us. Is that how you want to live your one life?

I've been out for two years this summer. It hasn't always been easy. In fact a few posts ago I was commenting (while going through a very difficult time) that sometimes i wondered if it would have been worth staying with him. I would have been financially secure...had a roof over my head. But realistically...I no longer have to fear him coming home from work. I don't have to worry if the house isn't "exactly" how he wants and expects it. If I gain weight (which i do) then that is MY issue...not his to rub in my face and tell me i'm a fat lazy ***** ....and that no one will want me. Well truth is...there are men out there that want me..I just don't want them! I'm finding me back and I enjoy being with my kids first of all...and myself secondly. I have alot of healing to do and am not ready for a relationship.

Anyway..I'm off subject...you should be treated like a queen...ALL the time...not just periodially...when he feels like "turning on charm" to benefit himself.

I hope I've been some help..take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:18am

I remember you posting back in the fall Joshu and have been wondering how you have been.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:19pm
Thank you so much for your supportive words! I am definitely going tonight to the DV group. H does know and has tried to talk me out of it. He also started asking if I really think our counselor (who I've returned to alone) was any good. I can see where that is headed! He also thought he "might" go to a support group with me. Sorry buddy your on your own!

I have good things happening on the job front which is inspiring me. I had a great phone interview today and will be meeting with them in person on Monday. This would be a great career opportunity and a lot more $$. That helps so much!


Thank you everyone again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:27pm

Xrcisen, I think you are right that everyone has to decide for herself what to do for her relationship.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you