I think Im a bigger mess than

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
I think Im a bigger mess than
32
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 5:41pm

I thought I was. I was looking forward to this weekend. The DH has been 6 hrs away. He comes home tonight. My son stayed at a friends on Fri night , till about 8:00 last night. Why was I at such loose ends?? I felt completely lost. Do you get addicted to being told what to do and how to do it? Do you get addicted to the sulks and silences?
He called me on my cell yesterday. The whole 15 minute conversation was all about his trip, his shopping, his naps and how hard it is for him to be on the road. I would give ANYTHING for someone, anyone to ask how I am and how my days go. I keep praying he will. Maybe someday i will get licky.

I found a diary today that i had kept when we were dating back in 82,83, and 84. I cant believe how pitiful i sound in the diary. I forgot about so many of the fights we used to have , his having other girlfriends along with me and now i look at it for what it is. A BIG warning sign that I ignored. it hurts me to read how insecure, desperate and inexperienced I was. I had given him the book the day we got married. He read it once and has never looked at it again. I found it in an old box, coverd with dust.

Lately, if he calls on his cell and I cant talk to him just then, he will say "no prob" and say good bye. But when i try and call him back right away, I always get the message that his voice mail isnt set up. He refuses to set up the voice mail. He also refuses to have call waiting. I get this message because Im sure he is mad and he has shut his phone off. i told him today it was annoying and he said that he was on another call and I probably am doing something wrong. He's right, I am. Im tring to return the call ! This has started recently .

Thanks for letting me vent.
Angle

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 7:37pm

I wouldn't say we get addicted to those hurts and stresses, but we do get used to them.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 1:39pm

I don't know if you get addicted, but maybe just used to being treated a certain way. Then when you aren't treated horrible, it's like what's going on here! It is shocking and just so different. I bet it was so hard for you to read your diary. Maybe it was supposed to come up and for you to realize certain things about your relationship. There is some reason why you found it that day and why you read it.


I hope your day is going a little better today. How is your day going?


Hugs! Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 10:32pm

Thank you for the hug. When I wrote the diary, I thought I was recording events up to our wedding that we could remember together. I look at it now and see how revealing this thing is. By July 1 of 1983 I wrote that maybe he needed someone else. Some one more mature and not as childish. I was 22 yrs by then , he was 40. July 17, 1984 I write we are having so many problems. " It seems we hardly know each other at all" We had been engaged 2 yrs by this time. I tell him I want things to be like they were before. I write" You say things dont need to change, but they already have"

Reading this for me is kind of coming past a car wreck. You know you shouldnt look cuz it's horrifying, but you have too. The whole diary is filled with " I love you's, dont leave me's and I can be what you want me to be" Not once do I mention my dreams or wants for our future..

The day has been going well. I have been doing alot of thinking. I hope this can be a tool for me , to make some healthier decisions. I feel stupid in the fact that I gave my Narcisist husband the road map right to my fears, and deamons. I bared ALL my feelings and fears. It was like I said" here are all the ways to hurt me" He has been using what he read as his personal handbook since then.

The support here means alot

Angle
Angle

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 1:20am
Ohhh - my heart goes out to you. I have and still do feel the same way you are feeling right now. Many hugs from me - you are not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 9:02am

Thank you. I at least feel better knowing that Im not alone in feeling this messed up

Angle

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 7:53pm

Yes! Thank goodness. We are all in this together - meaning support. Keep posting. Read when you feel weak and then cheer yourself on! You will find yourself inside of your heart - where you tucked in for safe keeping so he wouldn't damage it.

It's there. And it won't take you too long to remember who she is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:46pm

I was so young when all this started, I hope I know who or what Im looking for. Thank you again

Angle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:27am

I can totally relate to you....and I am talking about the narcissist comment. I didn't know what to call what my H was.....until I left him and started surfing the internet for symptoms of his behaviors. I felt so relieved to know that there was a name for it and that there was nothing I could do that would EVER make it right. What a relief!! I doubted myself and everything I did. He always critisized everyone and considered himself beyond reproach. I heard him bad-mouth other men about how they treated their wives and families yet he was worse. Except in public...everyone thought he was absolutely charming........what a snake he was.

All our lives it was all about HIM, his truck, his house, his tools, his kids, his thoughts, his ways, his needs. I don't remember being asked how my day was either....or him ever taking the time to check on me if i was sick....except to say he was hungry or who was going to feed the kids !! I was just a piece of property and the kids? His line? "He brought them into this world, he could take them out." (I HATED that line.) He went out and got himself a girlfriend shortly after I left, he can't stand to be alone, no one to cater to him or listen to him talk about himself.......

I left my first husband for him....in 1983, he was my knight in shining armor. He had faults - sure - but I could deal with them or help him get better....OR I could change. He had a bad childhood and no one understood him and he was picked on at school, etc etc....I felt sorry for the poor poor thing.....I would save him and show him just how much I loved him by showering him with attention and undying love......and he demanded more and more......when my twins were born in 1986 I was so busy with them and my 6 yr old I couldn't pamper and baby him anymore and he became mean and spiteful. It was the beginning of the worst days of my life.....by the time the boys were 2 we were scared to death of him and his ways but I ws so brainwashed by his words and the fear, it took me over 20 years to get out and stay out. He no longer controls me and my life and even though I still have some PTSD issues, I am finding ME all over again. Gosh I missed her....

I look so happy in my wedding pictures, it is so hard to look at them and know what happened to that beautiful hopeful girl. But believe it or not, when I look in the mirror now, I can see her again......she is still there, he didn't win....

I just wanted you to know I understand the effect that narcissism has on your own well-being. Not every abusive person is a narcissist but some are are classic cases. It scared me but also gave me a great deal of satisfaction to read up on the disorder and how it affects those living with it.

Stay strong and keep posting.....we all need each other......

Laptop

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 7:53am
Oh, my Gosh, did you marry my husband?? I was hoping they broke the mold ( and beat the crap out of the moldmaker) when they made him, I guess not... I was thnking the other night when my heart was beating fast and I was all stressed out because Iknew he was coming home soon, that maybe I could go to a hypnotist to try and releive some of these high adrenaline feelings when I try to talk to him, has anyone ever tried hypnotism?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:51am

You made me cry, dearheart.

They try to eat our souls because they have none. They're just black holes of insecurity and hopelessness.

We in our need to fix are equally whacked, but at least once aware, we're easier to work with.

We here on this board, are SO commonly found. And we belive them when they convince us that we are so special, the relationship is so unique, that no one understands "us," and it's "us" against the world.

Hold my head while I puke.

Honor that beautiful woman inside you. The girl spirit has a woman's wisdom and awareness. The best thing we can do in our lives is to effect someone else positively. Sharing your light here on the Internet, where we live forever, does just that.

C.

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