I think my relationships is abusive

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
I think my relationships is abusive
2
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 11:53pm
I'm 23 and I've been going with my boyfriend for about a year now. In the beginning everything was perfect. He was sweet and fun to be with and I was really in love with him. Now I feel like my heart is breaking.

In the beginning I noticed he got angry really easily. Even if he accidently knocked something over he'd have a tantrum. Since he didn't take out his anger on me at that point I didn't think much of it until now. A few times he's hit me in the arm and leg because I feel asleep on the couch when he wanted to have sex. He even once threw a shoe at me because I dozed off. The one time that stands out in my mind the night about a month ago. It was late and I was half asleep on his couch. He walks in and punches me in the arm, telling me to wake up and help him finish the dishes.

Not only that he's always yelling at me. He yells at me if the bed is messy. He yells at me if there's food in the sink. He treats me like I'm always doing something wrong. He calls me stupid ass for no reason at all. I finally stood up to him last week and told him not to talk to me like that again. He acted like what he said was no big deal. If I say no to sex he yells at me. Saying he does so much for me that I owe him. It's like I'm dating two people sometimes. One minuet he's the sweet thoughtful man I feel in love with. The next he's a angry hurtful jerk

I can't believe that I didn't relieze how crazy things were until now. I actually thought that because I wasn't being punched in the face that I wasen't being treated badly. I feel so stupid for letting myself get into a situation like this. I never thought I would be in a relationship like this. I really need some help. I don't know what to do. Everyone see's us as the perfect couple so I don't know who would believe that this was going on. Is my relationship abusive? What do I say to him? How do I make it stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 2:52am
Hi Astra,

I'm really sorry that your heart is breaking right now. After all you've described in how your BF has been treating you, it's perfectly understandable why you're hurting.

Before I give you my two cents, let me ask you -- if your favorite restaurant began giving you crappy service and burnt food, would you continue eating there while pleading with them to give you better service or would you just take your business elsewhere?

What about the place where you take your car to get serviced? What if your mechanic or tune-up center began treating you rudely and cheated you out of part of what you paid for? You'd find a new, better and more reliable mechanic or service center, right?

Well, why should it be any different regarding your choice of BF? The same courtesy and respect that you demand from others should be expected from any man you choose to have as your BF. If over time, the BF chooses to treat you in a disrespectful and demeaning manner, then get rid of him. The fact that he is loving at times is NOT ENOUGH to compensate for the times he treats you badly.

Because he's just your BF, you are under NO OBLIGATION to **suffer through it** in an effort to stick with him and make it work. He doesn't deserve such loyalty.

Also, the fact that other people see you and your BF as the perfect couple means nothing compared to the way he's treating you, esp. behind closed doors. With all the punching, hitting, yelling, throwing things at you, treating you as though you're always doing something wrong, and calling you out of your name -- this all falls under the definition of abusive behavior.

As for what to say to him? How about "good-bye"?

It's simple and pretty self-explanatory.

((Hugs))

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 3:18am
You think?? this relationship is abusive?? It is abusive.

In the beginning, they will never show all their cards, because they know, with no investment involved, that you would probably up and leave right away. But after some time goes by, and after they THINK they've gained your trust, they will start in with the insults. Its like they build you up, to tear you down. Why? Because they can. Why? because you let them. Why? because they feel weak, and need to beat on someone else to feel strong.

I consider myself a survivor, and many times, have asked myself this question after getting out of an abusive relationship. It has been a long arduous process, but I keep getting better. I was in the same situation as you, except I got pregnant. After we married, the abuse was so full force. It started out little, like in your case, but it quickly got worse. It is like the marriage papers told him I was trapped and he took advantage of it.

I did end up leaving him, getting divorced, and his own stupid antics lead to him losing his rights to own child.

But anyway, stay strong. Leave this bastard. And in the future, you will be more aware of the type of men to stay away from.