I thought everything was going to be ok
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I thought everything was going to be ok
| Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:42am |
My H has been really treating me well for the last couple of months. He has been sending me flowers, buying presents, and most important....listening to me, really listening. We haven't got into an argument in that time. He seemed to be trying hard to put everything back together. He knew that I was at the end of my rope with him and he said he was going to do what it took to make me "fall back in love" with him. Unfortunately for me, it succeeded. Just when I can see the man I married and think everything is going to be all right.....BAM! He calls me at work a few minutes ago and asks for my password to MSN. I give it to him....I have nothing to hide. I ask him why. He starts ranting about if I want somebody else, just tell him and we will split everything and he will pay child support. I don't know what he is talking about and tell him so. I NEVER go online at home....NEVER. I would say that I would cancel all internet subscriptions, but that wouldn't satisfy him, because I can go on the internet at work and he knows it. I don't want to cancel anyway because I use that e-mail when I go to freebie sites and stuff (a big hobby of mine). AAAARRRRGGGGHHH! I thought we were over this, I thought I was going to get to have a normal life. I have been doing everything possible to keep him happy, trying not to say the wrong things, having sex on demand.....everything. Not the best way to live, but I was dealing and as long as he was being the person he should be, I could do it. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to fight today. Especially not at work.

My own personal opinion is becoming that yes, virtually ALL men are just stupid. I can't for my life understand the way their brains work (or maybe that's just it - they don't work). I have alot of male friends and colleagues and they never cease to amaze me.
That being said, I've been reeled back in on the honeymoon fishing line as well. If you recall my story, my H broke my DS8's arm over the summer - it wasn't intentional, it the result of sheer stupidity and recklessness. He never meant to hurt DS's arm, but he did intend to toss him down on the bed and DS is handicapped and you just have to be more gentle with a kid whose got no voluntary muscle movement....DUH....!
Anyhows, right with you except that my H is still hanging in there - cartwheels and all. If I told him to stand in the corner for 24 hours, he would, I swear it. We just moved into a new house custom built to accomodate DS's handicapped, and H actually took a day off when the kids had no school because my practice is so busy I couldn't afford the time off, and he took the kids furniture shopping for new living furniture. And what he bought isn't bad, either. Oh boy, the lengths he's been going to to regain my trust and love, without any expectation of anything from me. He's continuing to tell me how wrong he was, how right I was (about him continuously being too rough with DS8) and how wonderful I am, how much he loves me, how he'll do anything for me...and so far, he has done everything and anything humanly possible.
It's so hard to resist this and not just say, ok, I give up, we're back together. So far I've been accepting all of his good acts and words and being pretty non-commital except that I let him move back into this house - we have 6 bedrooms, it would be possible to never have to see each other in this monstrosity of a house.
I understand where you're at, and have reconciled to myself that next week, next month, next year, or ten years from now, I'll be there again. And I guess I'll deal with it then.
In the meantime, tho, I have to tell you that I've dated 2 other men and both are completely off their rockers and have no earthly idea how to treat women. I don't think its so much that I attract these type of men as just that there are an overwhelming number of men out there with issues and the odds of meeting another one are probably pretty darned good. Let me tell you, relative to these 2 jokers I went out with, my H is head and shoulders healthier and makes alot of money to boot. Sad commentary on life, eh? That he's still better than alot of men out there and I'm posting on a board for domestic abuse?????
Big hugs (((((honey)))). I hope your day improves. Love, Mo.
"sending me flowers, buying presents," That's the honeymoon stage of the abuse cycle.
"I have been doing everything possible to keep him happy, trying not to say the wrong things, having sex on demand.....everything." It doesn't matter what you do or don't do. You don't make him behave the way he does. He abuses you because he's an abuser.
This cycle will continue over and over as long as you are with him.
Please check out Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That. It's a good book to read and re-read whenever we start to doubt ourselves.
I second riotgirrrl's recommendation to read the Lundy Bancroft book, and I would also recommend reading the list on this message board called "How to Tell if He's Changing." It's under "News and Resources", and here's a link but I don't know if this will work: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25539.1&ctx=0. That list includes how to tell if he's NOT changing as well. Another website I'd recommend is Emerge, the abusers' program started by Lundy Bancroft, at www.emergedv.com. Go to "Information for Victims" and look at "Signs of Changing" and "Signs of NO Change".
The reason for recommending these resources is that I'm going through a similar situation, and it's VERY EASY to get sucked back in -- that's what abusers do best. Read these lists, print them out and stick them on your fridge or keep them at work -- somewhere you can read them all the time. It will help keep you from getting confused by Jekyll/Hyde behavior (ranting about your email, then apologizing, etc.) and also help you to recognize that bad vibe feeling when you know something's wrong but can't pinpoint it.
I left my husband in August and filed for divorce mainly because of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse (there were also some weird sexual/pornography issues too, which I posted here about several months ago). He said he'd do anything to win me back, started seeing a new psychiatrist, voluntarily enrolled in a batterers' intervention program, and actually apologized for the way he mistreated and abused me. This was everything I wanted to hear, because believe it or not, he had NEVER apologized to me throughout our entire marriage. So I agreed to see him again, consider couples counseling, and then last week started talking about moving back in. I said I wanted some sort of a reconciliation agreement with some basic stuff like zero-tolerance for physical abuse...I didn't get any further than that because he said he couldn't guarantee that he would never hit me again!!! He actually said, "How do I know that you won't do something to make me mad enough to hit you again?" I was shocked and angry, mostly at myself for letting myself be fooled yet again, and I said I would not compromise on this point. (Note that we hadn't even begun to discuss verbal or emotional abuse or any of the other issues; I guess I have my answer for those!)
So now he's angry at me for not appreciating how much he has improved, etc., etc. He has yelled at me, said "we're done" and hung up on me last night after badgering me on this issue, but I wouldn't back down. If this is how he acts when I haven't even moved back in yet, what can I expect when I do move back in??? DUH!!!
Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to let you know that there are others who share your pain. I too thought we were beyond this, and I had really started to think that we could get back together and have a normal marriage. It's really hard to face reality, but I am MUCH stronger now that I've been going to counseling and a support group. I would recommend those to you as well; it feels so good to get validation from others that it's not you, it's him. Like riotgirrrl said, it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, only he is responsible for his own behavior. Good luck!