I TRIED AGAIN, I THINK IT'S OVER NOW

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
I TRIED AGAIN, I THINK IT'S OVER NOW
3
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 8:44pm
Everyone always gives such wonderful advice here and the support is amazing. And I cannot believe the stories as I read them, I see so much of what I am dealing with all over the place. One of the bests pieces of advice I have gotten was the "no contact" rule and I didn't listen. So, here I am again with another update. Lately I have been getting sick constantly - more this year than ever. I am starting to believe that my crazy relationship has been taking a toll on me - emotionally, mentally and physically. Me and my abuser had somewhat split recently - for like 2-3 weeks and I was on the road to feeling better. However, last Friday when I got home from work, he had shoved a typed letter in my apartment door, ranting and raving about "us." I should have just thrown it away. he ended up stopping over on Saturday and basically convinced me that I am at fault for everything. So, I again tried to be even nicer yet so that things would get better. I went to a concert with him Sunday night, and the evening was a nightmare. by the time we left the concert, we didn't speak at all the whole way home - it was a long drive, too. I was crying and he totally ignored me. Then, when he dropped me off, he was acting very angry and sped off. The next afternoon while I was at work, he called me (and texted me on my cell) that he was sorry. I was shocked that he even apologized for how things went Sunday night. So, I allowed this lame apology to smooth things over. Thursday night I stopped by to see him briefly but I have been pretty sick all week, so I didnt stay long. he complained when I left (?) Today I called off work sick and I also had a mammogram this afternoon at the hospital. Afterwards, I tried calling him on his cell and there was no answer. My gut was telling me something, so I followed my instincts. I stopped at his house and looked in his garage and confirmed that he wasn't home. I tried calling him 2 more times and there was no answer on his cell. I have a key to his house (and I was told I can come over anytime, that he didn't need to be there) and I let myself in. I went into his room and grabbed my chapstick and when I did, I noticed that he has 2 phone numbers from girls on a napkin and a piece of torn cardboard on his dresser. So, i am thinking this is interesting. So, I leave and I drove past all the places that he would claim he was. then I when I get home, my cell phnone rings and it is him. He says to me "what's up" all lame-like. and I asked him where he's been. He says "sleeping." (he worked midnight shift last night). so, I sort of chuckle and said, "really? where'd you sleep?" and he says, "at my place, where else?" The poor fool forgot that I had a mammo today and the thought must have never crossed his mind that I would even stop by.. . . . So, he starts back peddaling and tells me that he was at this place and that place, etc. and I said, "I drove passed each of these places and you weren't at any of them." I think he knew I was going off the edge because I was shaking and I am sure my voice reflected that. then I told him I found phone numbers on his dresser and he said that one of his male friends "gave him" these phone numbers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that he doesn't even know these girls and hasn't called them. YEAH RIGHT!!! So I flipped. I mean, it is bad enough that he lied and said that he had been sleeping at his house when I was there and he was nowhere around. So, this guy gets of the luxury of being mean to me when he feels like it, and the luxury of lying, plays head games with me, etc. he kept telling me to "calm down" and he acted like I was hysterical for nothing!!!!!! How many more times do I need to live through these incidents before I just move on? I did tell him to please, please let me go and that we need to break up, that he is making me miserable and I am sick all the time. I had to hang up on him becuz he was trying very very hard to make me second guess myself again! He is the expert on that. yet, my gut has been churning all week, little things he has said and done didn't sit well with me. For someone who was "sorry" earlier in the week for his bad behavior, he just changed back again! He just wants to do whatever he wants to do and I am supposed to just keep my mouth shut and tolerate it! I talked to a friend earlier and she said she cannot understand why I allow myself to be brainwashed by him, for years, only to deal with this type of mental abuse. She asked me if my self-esteem is that low?? Is it???? Why can't I truly look this guy in the eyes and tell him to move on for good? In my heart and soul I know that this cycles through times when he can be fairly decent, but now he seems in one of his drinking and running around phases. and obviously getting phone numbers from younger girls out in the bars. I know if I could step outside of myself and see this clearly, it would be a no brainer. But I just feel so stuck in this crazy cycle. I was supposed to go with this guy to his cousin's wedding tomorrow and even though I said we need to be broke up, I have a feeling that he may very well call me and start stuff up again, so I have made the decision to get out of here for the day and go "hide out" where he cannot find me or contact me. There doesn't seem to be any hope. Why can't we just sit down and have a mature conversation about how things aren't working out and move on - without this. he pushes me to the very edge and torments me!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 9:55pm

I was one in your situtaion nearly four years ago and I can tell you upfront, that you can't have a mature, adult conversation w/abusers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 3:06pm
Thank you for the reply. It helps me to know that others have gone through this type of frustrating and emotionally abusive relationship. but it also makes me sad. Seems I have encountered it again and again. So, at that point, it really does make me wonder if it is me or what I am doing wrong to get treated like this. Today me and my abuser were supposed to go to his cousin's wedding but of course last night when I freaked out over the phone, I begged us to just break up. I did the smart thing and spent most of the morning outside of my apartment until I knew that he would be on his way to the wedding. he did call my cell phone once, but did not leave a message. I shut it off and he hasn't called back. He also called my regular phone twice and left no message. I knew he would be crazy enough to call and I am sure his exact words would be "Are you going today or not?!" (to the wedding). I know that in some sick part of his mind, he thought I would still go. It is more than obvious that he has been lying and probably cheating too. I basically caught him enough to know that he is covering something up. yet, I know that if he gets a hold of me, he will ask me what is wrong with me and am I going crazy, etc. (but not realizing that I AM going crazy 'cause he is driving me there!) I am so drained from this relationship and the last 2 months have really depleted me to the point where I am just glad that I can get to work, but everything has been taking a huge huge effort on my part. I just don't have it in me right now and I definitely don't have it in me to fight with him anymore. I hope he stops calling me - at least long enough for me to get physically/mentally stronger again. I can't talk to him, yet I know he is going to continue to try to press the situation. but why????? It is more than obvious that he doesn't love me - he is out collecting phone numbers from other girls and avoiding being with me. Why is he still trying to contact me???? I just don't get it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 3:27pm
He's still trying to contact you because he still wants to control you, regardless if he is out getting other girls' numbers, he still wants control over the situation. You shouldn't have to beg w/him to break up with you. You have a say so too, you have a voice and you have a right. So let your voice be heard, you've had about all you can take. Don't answer his calls, seriously, don't answer his calls. And in all honesty, the only way that will stop him calling you, is getting your number changed. I know that you hope he won't call you anymore, but I don't second guess abusers. Your best bet is getting your number changed. You call your cell carrier and your local phone carrier and advise them you are receiving harassing phone calls. Nine times out of ten, they will change the number of no cost to you. Changing your number is a sure fire way that he will cease calling you, and you will no longer see his number on the caller ID. And best of all, it will give you peace of mind. Remember the no contact rule? Ok, then follow it, because you need peace of mind, this guy won't stop until you put your foot down and YOU take charge and control of YOUR life. You may also want to check out the book, "Why does he do that? Inside the mind of the angry and controlling man" by Lundy Bancroft. It's very readable and a big eye opener. It will also help you answer a lot of unanswered questions. Hope that helps some and remember, only YOU can take charge and take control of your life, NOT HIM.