I TRIED AGAIN, I THINK IT'S OVER NOW
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I TRIED AGAIN, I THINK IT'S OVER NOW
| Fri, 09-29-2006 - 8:44pm |
Everyone always gives such wonderful advice here and the support is amazing. And I cannot believe the stories as I read them, I see so much of what I am dealing with all over the place. One of the bests pieces of advice I have gotten was the "no contact" rule and I didn't listen. So, here I am again with another update. Lately I have been getting sick constantly - more this year than ever. I am starting to believe that my crazy relationship has been taking a toll on me - emotionally, mentally and physically. Me and my abuser had somewhat split recently - for like 2-3 weeks and I was on the road to feeling better. However, last Friday when I got home from work, he had shoved a typed letter in my apartment door, ranting and raving about "us." I should have just thrown it away. he ended up stopping over on Saturday and basically convinced me that I am at fault for everything. So, I again tried to be even nicer yet so that things would get better. I went to a concert with him Sunday night, and the evening was a nightmare. by the time we left the concert, we didn't speak at all the whole way home - it was a long drive, too. I was crying and he totally ignored me. Then, when he dropped me off, he was acting very angry and sped off. The next afternoon while I was at work, he called me (and texted me on my cell) that he was sorry. I was shocked that he even apologized for how things went Sunday night. So, I allowed this lame apology to smooth things over. Thursday night I stopped by to see him briefly but I have been pretty sick all week, so I didnt stay long. he complained when I left (?) Today I called off work sick and I also had a mammogram this afternoon at the hospital. Afterwards, I tried calling him on his cell and there was no answer. My gut was telling me something, so I followed my instincts. I stopped at his house and looked in his garage and confirmed that he wasn't home. I tried calling him 2 more times and there was no answer on his cell. I have a key to his house (and I was told I can come over anytime, that he didn't need to be there) and I let myself in. I went into his room and grabbed my chapstick and when I did, I noticed that he has 2 phone numbers from girls on a napkin and a piece of torn cardboard on his dresser. So, i am thinking this is interesting. So, I leave and I drove past all the places that he would claim he was. then I when I get home, my cell phnone rings and it is him. He says to me "what's up" all lame-like. and I asked him where he's been. He says "sleeping." (he worked midnight shift last night). so, I sort of chuckle and said, "really? where'd you sleep?" and he says, "at my place, where else?" The poor fool forgot that I had a mammo today and the thought must have never crossed his mind that I would even stop by.. . . . So, he starts back peddaling and tells me that he was at this place and that place, etc. and I said, "I drove passed each of these places and you weren't at any of them." I think he knew I was going off the edge because I was shaking and I am sure my voice reflected that. then I told him I found phone numbers on his dresser and he said that one of his male friends "gave him" these phone numbers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that he doesn't even know these girls and hasn't called them. YEAH RIGHT!!! So I flipped. I mean, it is bad enough that he lied and said that he had been sleeping at his house when I was there and he was nowhere around. So, this guy gets of the luxury of being mean to me when he feels like it, and the luxury of lying, plays head games with me, etc. he kept telling me to "calm down" and he acted like I was hysterical for nothing!!!!!! How many more times do I need to live through these incidents before I just move on? I did tell him to please, please let me go and that we need to break up, that he is making me miserable and I am sick all the time. I had to hang up on him becuz he was trying very very hard to make me second guess myself again! He is the expert on that. yet, my gut has been churning all week, little things he has said and done didn't sit well with me. For someone who was "sorry" earlier in the week for his bad behavior, he just changed back again! He just wants to do whatever he wants to do and I am supposed to just keep my mouth shut and tolerate it! I talked to a friend earlier and she said she cannot understand why I allow myself to be brainwashed by him, for years, only to deal with this type of mental abuse. She asked me if my self-esteem is that low?? Is it???? Why can't I truly look this guy in the eyes and tell him to move on for good? In my heart and soul I know that this cycles through times when he can be fairly decent, but now he seems in one of his drinking and running around phases. and obviously getting phone numbers from younger girls out in the bars. I know if I could step outside of myself and see this clearly, it would be a no brainer. But I just feel so stuck in this crazy cycle. I was supposed to go with this guy to his cousin's wedding tomorrow and even though I said we need to be broke up, I have a feeling that he may very well call me and start stuff up again, so I have made the decision to get out of here for the day and go "hide out" where he cannot find me or contact me. There doesn't seem to be any hope. Why can't we just sit down and have a mature conversation about how things aren't working out and move on - without this. he pushes me to the very edge and torments me!!!!

I was one in your situtaion nearly four years ago and I can tell you upfront, that you can't have a mature, adult conversation w/abusers.