I wonder how common this is...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
I wonder how common this is...
6
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 9:52pm
I've noticed, after reading others' stories for a few months, that a few of you have mentioned things like:

• I deal with all of the finances

• He doesn't work

• I deal with all of the major decisions

• I deal with the kids' school/activities, etc.

These statements apply to my own situation, or have in the past. I always felt, I guess, that because of that, I had some control over my life, that the control aspect of abuse didn't really apply. I guess I thought the abuse label didn't really apply at all, despite the name-calling and pushing/threatening/etc. Now I waver some, but feel like certainly my life has been controlled by H's lack of action, lack of taking on responsibilities, etc.

I guess I am wondering how others feel about this in general. Is this common, this illusion of being in control? How do those of you who have been in relationships where he has controlled EVERYTHING feel about this scenario? Curious I guess, and always needing context to help me evaluate my own situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 5:35am
Hi MG, that kind of relationship sounds like me..I was the one in control or at least I thought I was you see I now I see what was really going on was I think he was conditioning me, when he got mad he would critise everything and put me down and call me names and even toward the end threaten me. He took no resposibility for anything and therefore I believe in his mind he would never be wrong which in my H's world is the worst thing that could happen to him. So the cycle continues I would get sick of doing it all as any person would in a one way relationship especially with two children and we would argue and then the monster would appear and tear shreds of me and my spririt.

I got to the point where I questioned every single action or decision, trying desperately to be good enough so he would'nt have any 'ammo' and in the end I got to the point where I could'nt take it any more. I finally realised it was a no win battle when he attacked my illness and used that against me, something I cannot control at all amoung a million other things.

I am finally feeling free to feel what I want to feel not in a panick over wether or not what i am doing will come back to haunt me!!

It is a very hard place to be and I understand you questioning yourself because these guys are so nice 95% of the time but it gets to you in the end and you will start to say things to yourself that they would say and quess what they don't have to abuse you anymore you will be doing it for them....I was there it only gets worse.....

I am taking small steps each day and challenging myself on every negative he ever said to me ( and all the stuff I said to myself!!)and realising I am human and I cannot ever be perfect and that's OK. I hope this hepls to know someone is in the same very similar boat and find's it a little hard to understand the behavior because he is not your 'sterotypical abusive CONTROLLING man'

Big hugs

X M
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 6:29am
Hi Mg,

There were a lot of things that I took care of and, you are right I felt that I had control in most aspects of my life. Abusers tend to pick and choose what they want to control and are irresponsible in the other aspects of their lives. That's where we come in and "take care" of those things. It's a vicious cycle the we get embroiled in and before we know it, we're in deep. So, when it is all said and done, we continue to sit there and question exactly what went on. Especially after we left. Things slowly become clearer how we were used AND how we allowed it. I think that is the part that makes me the sickest. It's totally natural to take charge of things that need to be done. That's not control, that's living up to one's responsibility. So, while we are busy taking care of the responsibilities, the abuser is sitting there using his mind on what they need. Everyone has to have some control and disicpline in their lives, that is natural. It's when the need for power is added to it that it becomes an evil thing.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 3:13pm
Hi mg!!! I'm one of those who are in the opposite situation, he controls everything (though i do work, i make less though and am responsible for the kids). I do take care of the kid's school activities, if they require money, i have to ask and sometimes have the kids ask or beg. I'm sure that both of these scenarios are just different ways of abuse. Just because you feel like you should be in control doesn't mean that you are. I'd like to hear of some of the specific things that he does to keep control though, since it is different from my situation. I think my mom may have been in a situation like yours though with my father when i was young. I remember her working all the time and being responsible for everything. It seemed that my dad just did as he pleased. Even after they separated, it was her who moved out of my maternal grandmother's house, and my dad still had all his things there, and came and went on occasion to shower, change clothes, etc. It wasn't until he remarried that he really had his own place. Now that i look back on it, this seems excessively irresponsible on his part. So i imagine that kind of dependance can be used as a form of abuse.
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anonymous user
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 9:29am
I happened upon this board and wasn't even sure why I can in here. I read your post and OMG! My H has NEVER called me a name although he has told me things that I choose to do are stupid. I have been coming to a realization lately that I have been controlled and emotionally abused for the entire 20 years I have been married. I have never felt like I could talk in an adult manor to him over anything that would be common sense to anyone else without him getting defensive and putting me down. Although he is the primary bread winner,I do everything in the house that you described and more. He even confessed to me recently that YES he prevented me from going back to college because he didn't want me to become too financially independent because he felt I would leave. And I would leave because of the way he knew he was treating me, so then if he kept me down I couldn't leave and he could keep treating me the way he wanted!

He has never raised a hand to me or touched me in an abusive way. He instead has just made me feel like I could lose him if I try to confront him on any issue. He has twice come to me, after being cold for no apparrant reason, and told me he didnt' think he wanted to be married anymore. Then he would change his mind the next day. After one of these times he went out and ordered a new motorcycle, knowing how I felt about them, without even telling me. He knew I was an emotional wreck and wouldn't put up a fight about it.

Even now after we have discussed all this and he was going to try to change, he gets upset with me if I want to do things to make more money. I sell RE and he said to me just the other night "Can't you just make SOME money?" Whaaaaat??? SOME money? The sky is limit here, this is not the man I thought I married. He was very motivated and positive, now he is insecure and controlling. My mother told me yesterday she always noticed that about him....why didn't I see it??

Thanks for the vent

dd


Edited 6/14/2004 10:38 am ET ET by deedee5678

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 12:51am
cshellie,

In response to your question, things have varied over the years, but as I look back at it, I certainly notice a trend in my feeling helpless about some big picture issues in my life. Examples:

• Somehow he managed to move in with me and my almost immediately after we met 9 years ago. No real decision on this, he just kind of never left my house.

��� He pushed for inclusion as "dad" almost immediatly. I was a young, single mother. The father of my son had no involvement. That someone would love my son seemed a good thing then.

• In 9 years together, he has been employed a sum total of about 18 months. This isn't a decision we made together. We didn't decide he would stay home with the kids. He just wouldn't work and wouldn't go to school. Lost the jobs he did get quickly and it was always someone else's fault. (The bad boss. The bad coworker) He's been working for about 8 months now, a record.

• He is not dependable. I cannot count on him to pick up the kids or take them anywhere. I can't depend on him to supervise them well. I can't depend on him to fix things around the house.

• When it comes to his social life, he does not feel he needs to justify anything. He decides he is going out to a friend's house on a moment's notice. Won't give me any idea when he will be back. I feel that keeping your spouse up to date with events and plans is common courtesy. If I say I would rather he not be out all night, because we have plans the next day or I simply would like some company that evening, he gets made. Many of our worst fights and his violent tantrums have been prompted by this.

• If I nag him (yes, I'll confess that I do that) about getting a job, helping around the house, taking care of the kids, his response is that he is packing his sh*t and leaving tomorrow. He's threatened to leave probably 50-100 times during our marriage, often in front of the kids. I should add that he knows I have strong moral beliefs that marriage is a permanent thing. I often feel he uses this to get his way.

• He has no interest in our finances yet gets angry at me when I say we don't have money or ask him to be more frugal. (We have been very very poor for much of our marriage) For example, he had been spending like $25 a day at a local convenience store during "lunch" at work. I asked him to stop doing that, since that accounted for about a third of his take-home wages. He got angry, and didn't stop. We have equal access to our money through our joint bank account. Now that he is working he is even madder about money, wondering why we still don't have very much. I explain to him that I am actually paying the bills now, but that doesn't seem to make a difference to him.

Those are a few things. I need to head home. Not sure if that offers any perspective on your mother's situation or not.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 2:09am

I posted a reply the other day but it was eaten!

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you