If its not one thing.................its

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
If its not one thing.................its
5
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:38pm
another@!! I am so mad I can't even see straight, about a month ago DS came home from a visit with STBX and a day or so later starting displaying what I would consider inapropiate sexual behaviors. I immediately doccumented everything he did and the reaction he had when I told him that we don't do that (DS would get mad, start crying, screaming and kicking me). I went and talk to my caseworker at the safe house and she called some place and they said becasue of his age they could not do anything with him. So I would just keep watching him and documenting stuff.

About two weeks ago I had a meeting with his daycare teacher and showed her the documentation and she said that he displays sexual knowledge beyond what would be considered curiousity of a 2 1/2 year old, so she had to call the abuse hotline to report it, that way I can't be accused of just trying to get back at STBX, which is not something I would do. Anyways his teacher is reading some of the incidents and then the abuse worker wants to talk to me. At first she is cool, but as soon as she found out that I have a restraining order and am not yet divorced and staying at a safe house, she changes her attitude and basically I am the one being abused, (pretty good call the abuse line for help and get abused)! The abuse worker asks me what I am going to do from here on out and I say that is why we called you, she then tells me he has to have a medical exam, or that I could go talk to this one place that deals with this type of stuff, but that because there is no proof from DS saying dad did this or that (he is 2 1/2 and has possible autism so his language skill are not that good) they doubt this place would do anything. That the abuse line will read over the documentation and give it to thier supervisor and they will decide if it should be investiageted.

DS teacher was so mad, that she called this place they told me to talk to, as she knows the director and that evening when I got home we had a call from them. I took him in on Monday and they were so nice about everything. They had a volunteer watch and play with my DS while the social worker, the pediatrician and I talked about everything. They assured me that I am not over-reacting, and I have done everything right, and that some of the things he does is just being curious, however, there are a few things that put a red flag in their mind. They said the best way to do this is timing, as they bascically get one shot to interview the child. So they want me to wait until he has the offical autism evaluation done so they will know how to best communicate with him adn god only knkows when that will be as we have been waiting since October for an evaluation. That I just need to keep doccumenting everything, and every time he has a visit,(as there is no way to get supervised visits right now) as soon as I get him back check him for any bruises or any other stuff, (something I do anyways). Come to find out they said that in 40%-60% of domestic abuse cases there is also sexual abuse of the children, that was very scary to hear, so I at least know that I am dealing with something that could be serious here and am not just being a bitch as the abuse worker indicated I was.

I guess I should have known things were going too good for me to actually start to be happy, as legal aid is working on my divorce and that it going good then "BAM" this happens. I feel like that old saying one step forward two steps back, only in my case it is more like 15 steps back. I feel like how much more stuff can I get thrown at me, it is crazy but sometimes I actually (God forbid) feel like going back to my STBX! Someone please tell me I am not going crazy!!! Thanks.

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:44pm

Yikes.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2001
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 4:31pm

You should be commended for taking the steps you have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 5:42pm
They told you that in 40-60% of DV cases there is child sexual abuse? is this true?

OH MY GOD!!!!!

Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 9:51pm
Hi there, huge hugs to you. What a terrible thing to be going through. Let me first state that although I wish I was, I am not a licensed Psychologist. I do sort-of work for the state, I work for Head Start/Early Head Start as a Family Service Specialist. What an awesome compliment from Tracy though, I sure do wish I was licensed, then I would actually have a disposable income LOL!!

I deal with "high need" families, so families with multiple issues. I have been to lots of training about children's sexual behavior and what is age appropriate and what isn't. I don't know what behaviors your child is exhibiting that are of concern to you.

I do know that you are doing everything right. You are getting people involved and that is what is most important.

It is true that at your child's age, they almost never interview them for sexual abuse. This is one thing that just burns me up. Child molesters in many cases will target children under 5 simply because they know that there isn't much law enforcement or anyone can do about it. Usually the interviews are not admissable in court because children under 5 are not considered credible witnesses. Unless of course there is concrete physical evidence.

It sounds like the Child Protective Services worker was trying to find out from you what your plan is as far as visitation with dad and what you are going to do to protect your child. From what you wrote, I disagree with her response to you. I am not sure what your court orders are, but you could find yourself in a whole lot of trouble if you violate a court order and don't let him visit dad. BUT, in order to keep your son from dad, you have to have a case against him. In this case, it sounds like you don't...yet.

I am glad you found some advocates. That is what you need right now. People that know what they are talking about and know what they are doing. The pediatrician is a wonderful resource. Depending on the behaviors your son is exhibiting, I might recommend an exam just to rule anything physical out. But like I said, I don't know the behaviors, so it is hard to determine if that is even necessary.

The bottom line is that kids act out sexually, and sometimes it means they have been abused and sometimes it doesn't. Like you stated, sometimes it is totally normal. Sometimes they are acting out because they saw something on tv, or something their parents were doing that they probably shouldn't have seen. Even the most well-intentioned parents get "caught in the act" at times. I don't know if dad has a girlfriend or wife that he could've accidentally walked in on. I don't know if there are teenagers in dad's home that he could've seen. I don't know if dad ever has anyone else around or caring for him during visits. I don't know if dad keeps "adult" magazines around the house that he could've seen. There are so many different possibilities.

I do suggest getting in touch with a therapist that specializes in child sexual behavior and talk with him/her about your concerns. He or she can help you with how to handle it with your son. I would strongly suggest that you don't question him at all. I would also want to know how the child care provider handles him when he is acting out at school. Is he trying to do stuff to other children? What does the child care provider say to him? Does she ask him direct, leading questions? These are things to know, because asking the wrong questions can screw up an investigation. Since he is only 2 1/2 and possibly autistic he probably isn't too verbal at all. His responses to you trying to redirect his inappropriate behavior seem normal to me because how else is he going to react? Sounds like he doesn't have words to express his discontent.

Keep documenting everything. You are doing a great job. Let me just say in closing that you are doing the right things and going back to your abuser would be a huge step back for you. As well as really put you in the running to have Child Protective Services in your life. I hate to say that because it sounds so threatening but it is true.

Okay, this got long, I am sorry. I am going to try to find a website for this therapist that facilitated a training I went to on children's sexual behaviors. She was great and has lots of terrific info for any parent.

Hang in there, feel free to ask me questions as you need to.

Hugs,

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 9:04pm
I couldn't find the website I had hoped I would. But the therapist's name is Toni Cavanaugh Johnson and she wrote a booklet called, "Understanding Children's Sexual Behaviors - What is Healthy and What Isn't" I think that is the title, I might have missed a few words, but you get the idea. The booklet costs $5.95, but you might be able to get it from Child Protective Services, a pediatrician, a therapist, or even your daycare provider maybe.

Good Luck

Liz