Im afraid to get yelled at! But i need

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Im afraid to get yelled at! But i need
16
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 1:10pm

some opinions. I know i shouldnt even be talking to them, but really, i am taking info IN, not giving anything crucial OUT!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:05pm

No yelling, just trying to get you to stop and give this some non-emotional thought.


You're doing nothing but creating more emotional pain by allowing these two ding-dongs to keep talking to you.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:07pm

Now this is just me and I will tell you what I would do if I were in your situation. Don't necessarily take this advice because you know him, I don't. I've learned to become a little manipulative with my ex, I have to be. This is just what "I" would do.

As women I think it is not in our nature to be manipulative. But I see SO much leverage here for you it is unreal. I would be having a settlement agreement typed up ASAP stating everything I wanted. I would just say "sole" with everything. Sole physical custody, sole legal. It doesn't necessarily even have to mention "supervised" as far as visitation goes. When you have sole legal and physical custody, he has visitation only on YOUR terms. I would be all sweet and nice to get what I want. I would use any leverage I could. Once that is signed he is done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:46pm
In my case, I got the restraining order first. Then I renewed it for two years. Then I started the divorce. It just depends on the person. Some abusers are motivated financially, like mine was, we got the whole thing for $250 to the lawyer plus $4oo something paid directly to the court for filing fees. Sometimes you have to give a little just be out of the whole mess and away from these guys. But like in R's case, it sounds like it's almost too late, like this whole big thing has been built up with the lawyers and now that the lawyers are involved especially that agressive one her husband has, they want their fees, they don't want this thing to go away quickly, they want to drag it out so they(the lawyers) can get a bigger cut.So it sounds like her husband's lawyer will talk him out a normal fair quickly done divorce-just so he wouldn't lose his legal fees. It actually sounds like the other lawyer is actually encouraging the assets to be squandered on legal fees, that way all the parties will actually get less than had they taken care of this on their own, and the lawyers will walk away with the money,like always.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:55pm
That's exactly what I did. I got him in an I'm sorry honeymoon moment. I got sole custody with visitation for him, then I told him that I wanted all the equity out of our house(our only asset)and it was quite a bit of equity in exchange he could lie about his income on the divorce papers so child support would be a petty amount instead of the 1,000 monthly I have coming to me. Plus I get to claim all the kids on taxes all the time. I told him this way he wouldn't lose about 1/3 of his paycheck for the next many years, I told him his way, he'd get half the house equity, but his savings would be greater by avoiding the child support, plus I told him that I would consider getting back together in the future(that was a lie) and that I loved him(another lie) and that I wanted us to be together as a family(a lie)but I just wanted him to get help for the kids sake. But like you said every situation is different, and what worked in one isn't going to work in another.To deal with an abuser, you have to be manipulative ,like you said. It's the only way to get what you want. It's best not to deal with them at all, but if you are forced into it, have your guard up and plan your stratergy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 3:53pm

Whoa Whoa Whoa!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 4:15pm

I think we all got confused because there was too much info in there.


CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 5:28pm

I confused you again. No WAY i woud do it w/o a lawyer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 5:50pm
I knew exactly what you meant. IT'S TIME TO STRIKE! LOL. Now is the time. Have that attorney draw that thing up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 6:10pm

I'll be gentle. :)

I think your new favorite phrase should be, "You'll have to contact my lawyer".

You're paying him well. Let him do his job. Sit back and watch the show. Let your lawyer handle it. That's a part of his job description.

Cut all contact. I'm now starting to worry. Alot of us here have been through a similar mess. On many levels. Cut all contact. Let your lawyer deal with it.

Cut the emotional ties and let... things... go.

That's my advice.

(((Huggles)))

Thinking of you,

Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 6:46pm

Okay, got it.


I drew up my own proposal and submitted it to my rep.

CL-Blueliner4

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