Im back and feel 10 times worse....
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| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 8:24am |
Hi friends from over the pond , Tracey here from Liverpool UK........im back , feeling a lot worse than ive ever felt.
Why !!! , well i will tell you.....Earlier this year , i managed to get myself another house ( rented ) because of the stifling atmoshphere in the marital home....
Myself and my 2 daughters moved there and to be honest we found it hard to settle in , even though the neighbours were nice and helpful to us.
We stuck it out , the girls made new freinds , we didnt have a lot of furniture , but it was MINE .
Anyway , as time went on , my youngest girl - 14 - started hanging round with the wrong crowd , and things got to a head when she got into trouble with the police......it was quite a rough area.
At the same time , i had started having very strange things happening to me ,like forgetting where i was , at home , and not recognising my own friends.
I was diagnosed as having a breakdown and it was due to PTSD.
My girls looked after me and my ex husband told me to come home and that he would look after me.
I beleived him , who wouldnt when your own mum and dad didnt want to know.
Anyway , im feeling tired just writing this down now , so this is it for now.
All i know is , my life is over , this it it now , i cant keep leaving him , i keep coming back , its not fair to im either , the girls have got it easy really they can just leave when they are 18 , one of them is laready talking about it.
And yes hes started again already.
My doctor came to see him yesterday to tell him i have to rest.
He said to me this morning , " you rest sweetheart , dont do a lot , BUT IF YOU HAVE THE TIME CAN YOU GO TO THE BANK FOR ME ".............
this is my life , i chose it , its all my fault.
The Lucie Sivas song says it all...."what youre made of "
look at the words.........this is me.x
If you get out , STAY OUT.........or you will die inside.

Gentle hugs liverbabe. It's good to see you but sorry to see it's in such a painful way.
Try and not be hard on yourself for going back. Many of us here have done the same and like you only to be once again be misled. Take this time to first quiet your soul and as you can, and I know it's tiring, but see how he made sure you were never comfortable.
Once you regain yourself, does your doctor understand abuse or would he? If he does not see abuse as anything to worry about, it's time for a new doctor. Your doctor should be someone who can help you out of this not just pass you a pill and let you stay in it.
Go easy on yourself girl, you haven't failed, you're just learning. Don't give up on you or your dream for you and your girls. He's playing it all to the max trying to keep you under control. In time you will once again be free, believe in yourself!
I hope you come back here often and find the strength once again! Take care of your illness, once your mind quiets you will find the strength to regather yourself and re-collect your thoughts and you'll do fine.
Hugs and hold strong to your dreams!