I'm certified...straight crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
I'm certified...straight crazy
4
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 12:48pm

So I haven't whined in a little while. My ex and I have no legal barriers, at this time. He has asked to take our daughter (reminder- he has supervised visitation, but was kicked out of the state supervision facility, so really no rights at this time) and I will NOT let him. I give in to him so much...HELLO, i'm alone today and a big, depressed, lonely woman raising another child solo...but this child doesn't have a father that pays 'real' child support (the amount is pathetic and he doesn't pay the full amount anyway) and her father is an abuser. I have let him do everything to me and I actually understand where he could be mad at me for some stuff- like calling the cops over his terrorizing texts, he gets charged, I take him back...I only called the cops 1x from an assault...but regardless...I have given in, allowed him to pretty much deplete me. But I will not give in when it comes to my baby. He can make the court make me. If he tt me like a human being, I'd probably let him see her at MY family member's house..but NO he simply CAN'T be good to me. Remember, we live within minutes of each other..so I just had foot surgery again..I went to Rite Aid, saw him, he asked where baby is, I explain my mom's..I get a rant of hell, how MY parents think their her parents, why doesn't anyone call him for HIS daughter? MY daughter is going to HATE me for destroying THEIR relationship...to a phone call (from an unblocked #) with more of the same shyt...hating on me, my family..hanging up.

She is 2 and he had rights. HE LEFT HER. HE SKIPPED VISITS. HE CHOSE TO PARTY AND LIVE HIGH W/ MONEY AND DRUGS AND SKAGS..HE ENDED UP W/ SUPERVISED..HE LOST THAT. I AM NOT GOD!!! HE COULD CLEAN UP LIFE, GO TO COURT AND FIGHT ME...but no, at this time, he just wants me to give in to him. let him come over to see her. I CANT DO that anymore! I try to explain to him that i can't have him 'come over'...I can't be around him...stupid enough, it's too hard..plus he doesn't deserve to be here...So I kinda slammed him w/ some words about he f'd up, he needs to fix it, I'm not going out on a ledge for him, i need to do whats best for ME and our baby..and so much more..SO HERE's the point...

I get a letter today. He says to never contact him, and he won't contact me. He hates me for what I've done to him..I'm so manipulative and he will take the hate to his grave..I will never hear his voice again. (I blocked him and won't answer any #'s I don't know)..I DON"T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S ME? WHAT IS IT THAT I'M GOING???????

And why don't I hate him like that? I have waves of hate..(striving for apathy)..this prick has gotten away w/ SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH! I just won't give in when it comes to our daughter. Why can't he just man up. Why do i care that he hates me? f him.

Ok, this went waaayy longer than it should. I want to respond SO BAD!!!! but I have to accept that I will always be wrong in his eyes. He always always always has a reason for 'why he treats me this way'. and right now it's because I won't let him take my daughter. He even talks about how his family doesnt' know her..ok..guess what? IF I had a grandchild, and my son/daughter was a sucky parent, I would still see my grandchild! But you know, his mom, brothers..they're all the same. i guess he had to have the last word since I blocked him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 12:58pm

hey 'idespisemyself'- if you're reading this-

Every time I bring up how he's treated his daughter, he explodes about how that's the 'past' and we're supposed to just let it go...and you knw what, everysinglething he's done to me and I stupidly took him back, I was never supposed to talk about it..but HE could throw it in my face...and oh lord, the stuff I was accused of and had brought up..'idespisemyself'- it'd be much easier to start healing now...GET OUT and change the name to 'idespiseHIM'.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 1:41pm

Live, have you made any visits to this community's website?

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 4:37pm

I wonder if that book is available by e-book? I'm definitely going to look into it.

Also, we no longer have a no contact and the pfa expired. When he started asking about our daughter, I did consider allowing him supervised, but not w/ me...because I realize that I can't be around him. He thinks he should be able to just come to my house..we used to do that. But I quit. We've had unusually mild weather and the other day I took the baby to the playground and we ran a few errands...later, he called my house phone (I had only blocked cell at the time, but house is now too) and went crazy, asking where the f I was all day w/ his daughter..he will kill all of us if he catches me w/ another man around his daughter. I could've called the cops, but I can't prove he said that...and he called about 4 times then stopped. It used to be 50x and a violent crash visit at my house..so maybe he is improving..at the same time, I'm a big reader of true crime and it's possible he could just snap one day..he may be a smarter criminal for the petty things, but he could just ticktick and destroy..I know he is a monster.... I realize it's not normal to be tt like that, but I'm also realiistic w/ the system, so no, I didn't call the police, to wait 7 hours to make a report that won't get anywhere. I don't have much faith in the system..I mean, he slashed my tires the night he was released from jail (in Jan) and I found his ID on my property, but it wasn't enough to get him. He rides carefree w/ no license on a very loud, bright orange, expensive Harley and is quite visible w/ his tattoos (he got sleeved w/i a year) and doesn't get caught. I let him get away w/ so much during our years of him destroying every damn thing I had, extreme violence..a common occurrence was being punched in the side of my head while I drove. I'm surprised i never hit anyone. It's been about 2 yrs since the last time he put his hands on me. And for a long time now, I've been cheated on, called wh*re more than my name, or another woman's name, fat...threatened, my kids threatened..he has even wished death on our daughter..So the way he is acting now is a walk in the park..So I will just block him. I will try the book out and I will try to give myself therapy, because I can't afford copays. I know I've got problems..PTSD..prob on the severe end of depression...Have you seen Hoarders? My house is NOT that- but you know how you see the house and it's like 'where does anyone begin?'..that's how I feel. Here's something stupid- I hate that we're having awesome weather. It drives me crazy he gets to have great weather to ride around on that bike..that bike is a symbol of what he has done to me and to my baby. I wish someone would destroy it. *sigh*

You know he told me I'm having health issues because it's Karma for what I've done to him and keeping him from the baby? I bet if severe depression, stress and anxiety was remved from my life I'd feel better..but yeah, he gloats that I'm down and out. So back to the letter he mailed..no law broken. He has gotten smarter..He hates me. I will never hear his voice again. He 'has' to think of himself, 'his' happiness...because I'm such a manipulator...So I don't know why he hates me- he blames me for everything..everything! And I'll just accept it. I will just wait for something from the courts, should he file. In the mean time, I will keep him blocked, not answer unknown numbers..try to keep a no contact..And I can't move..I owe waaayyy more than the house is worth. He says he wants to get out of this state, so hopefully he will. I don't really know what else to say right now...lost in the sauce..but I will look for that book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2012
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 10:54pm
You are right... so so right... I'll be posting an update on my other thread in a bit, keep an eye out please...