Im embarassed to admit that packing him
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| Sat, 02-05-2005 - 11:16pm |
up made me sad. M's brother is coming tomorrow to get stuff, at my request. I packed up what i thought he would want/need. 3 storage tubs worth. I was ok thru the clothes, but when i took his electric toothbrush off the sink ... it just looked so empty. I sobbed. Then i went into the spare bedroom so Ave would'nt hear me, & i ran right into my Moms aphghan, (i dont go in there often) & all i could smell was her, her house ... How can so many things change for one person in 1 year????
It was so hard not to think along the lines of wanting to take care of him ... STILL! Its not at ALL that i am changing my mind, but its so hard to turn off that mode of wanting to help him. Today i was thinking i would LIKE to, but WONT, call this guy who was his old teacher - who really likes him - who is a big BIG AA sponsor ... who has offered M help b4 - which of course M turned down. I also felt like i wanted to call his best freind, who i know he hasnt called, b/c i think he woudl be good support to him ... but ITS NOT MY PLACE. *I* dont know whats best for him anymore than he does. I wont do any of those things, but i piss myself off that they even cross my mind. I guess its hard for ME to change overnite as well.
& its SO hard thinking how he must be feeling w/o dd - so i just DONT think about it. I had a tough moment w/ her today, she still doesnt know, thinks he is at work (i will tell her after her bday, which is Tues, so i have to do it by Wed). But she was talking about people who scream & cry (we saw a kid having a tantrum) & she said SHE wouldnt do that anymore b/c she's 5 now. I said "Sometimes even adults scream & cry, SOMEtimes it ok if youre upset" & she said "Yeah, like you do at Daddy, right? But you guys arent suppossed to do that in front of me ... Im just a little kid, right? & it makes my belly hurt & shake when you do b/c Im afraid you guys will break up & that would be so so sad, right? B/c you love each other, right? & i would miss my Daddy SO SO SO SO much if he had to go away" .... Really, she said this, TODAY. On the way to her bday party. Not that she hasnt said that stuff b4, but it hits the mark now, thats for sure. I just responded that "yes, it IS sad when people break up, but when they do, its for the best, & things are calmer & there is no more fighting & they still love their kids so much & they see the kids & then the kids have 2 homes ... etc" ... & then she changed the subject.
Then i dont know if its bad to have done, but I put a couple pics of Ave in his stuff. I dont want it to seem as if i am teasing him or something, but he doesnt carry pics in his wallet, & i would think he would want a photo or 2. & then Averey said "Daddy will miss my bday cake!" & was very upset about that. I told her "Uncle Eddie will see him later, so I will send a peice of cake for him". Is that NUTZ???? That he gets a peice of the bday cake he missed b/c he is restrained from us??? Its such a small stupid thing, but i feel so guilty that i feel like i am being too nice even sending it ... i dont want to punish him - i just want to get away from him & i want him to get NORMAL so he can be a father to Ave. & I sent a book he had bought, although he never reads ... thinking "Maybe this will give him something to do, keep him occupied" .... STUPID, i know.
But on the other hand, i think of how MEAN he was sometimes on a daily basis, how degrading to me he was, how nothing i did was good enough, fast enough, smart enough ... how he picked at everything i did ... how he took full advantage of me, emotionally, financially (his W2 for this year was in the mail, 12K ... really. & then he woudl have the NERVE ot call me a selfish *itch b/c i woudlnt let him get a boat).
I ***AM*** sad , but i am SO done.
R~


Don't be embarrassed.
CL-Blueliner4
Blue is right. Everything you are feeling is totally normal and will be with you for a while. One thing that an abuser is good at is maintaining the focus all on them. They do it so good you tend to lose yourself. You know the guy needs help and your forgiving nature is still intact. The guy needs to help himself now. You need to take care of yourself and that little girl.
Of course you are going to have to deal with Avery missing her dad. You are smart to keep it very positive for her. With dealing with my children I took alot of advice from others that had been through it.
Hang in there!
Terry
Thanks, What is Issa's screen name? I am still trying to figure out who is who! lol
R~
& now i just got the "I wouldnt be a good BIL if i didnt say this" speech... (whne he came to get Mike's things) He said that in NO way woudl he try to talk me out of filing for D, & in fact, he thinks it will be a "good thing" b/c it would really show Mike that this is serious (Uh, as IF the RO isnt???) He said that Mike is really realizing all he had, he supposseldy said "I have NOTHING. No where to live, no job, no money" & BIL said to him "Yea Mike, this is IT. This is as low as it gets ... " BIL says "He realizes it is all him, that he has a lot of work & changes to make. *I*, not he, am asking you to just keep an open mind that maybe a year or so down the road, if he does all he needs to do ... that maybe there would be a chance? You are in the drivers seat. You can make the requests for what you need in order for him to maybe have some chance of getting back here - AA, anger mangt, meds, therapy ... you guys have so much, such a chance at a great life, if there is any miniscule chance ... please think about it".
I told BIL that i am not in love w/ him anymore - that i am done telling him what he needs to do to get healthy, that he needs to figure that out for himself - that no, i dont know exactly what i will feel like 4 months down the road (side note: I am actually pretty sure i will be feeling mighty FINE, lol) & in the meantime, i am filing for D, & he has ONE thing to think about - getting himself together for his CHILD. If not himself.
Aye aye aye - this sure does S*CK. Thanks! R~
She's made it easy on you - it's Issabug.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi R! I just got an email saying you lost the link to this board. I'm not too keen on emailing the link back in case it's not you asking me R! I just thought it was a weird request because I see you posting here R!
J~~