Im here, now what? I need help.
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Im here, now what? I need help.
| Wed, 02-08-2006 - 3:59pm |
I have never been to this board, but I posted in Toxic relationships. I was urged to come here. SO here I am, in a place where I never thought I would be, and still have a hard time admitting to myself that I am here. I believe the best is if I start at the begining, Im sure I will miss alot because there has been so much, but Im sorry thise post I warn, will be long.
Im 22, I have a two year old and a 7 month old-both girls. I have been married to my DH for 3 year in March. We had a fast relationship within 7 months of knowing each other we were engaged. Two months later I discovered I was pregnant. I was terrified, but my DH at the time was so loving a supportive, and said that he loved me, and that this was a great thing. I believed him, and within 8 weeks we were married. Things however started down hill by the time I was 12 weeks pregnant. Now that i look back on it, i think things were goign down hill even before. My Dh suspected I was pregnant, I didnt, i showed no signs except for missing a menstral cycle. After much insistance from him I agreed to take a test, he said he would get me one, he didnt insted as he got ready for work during a mid shift, I sat on his bed and asked if we would get a test the following day and he said no, reached in his pocket, and through a 20 dollar bill on the bed. He said go get one tonight and if you dont want to take it at home, ill leave my place unlocked and you can do it here. I didnt, but taking his money just felt so wrong. Then after weeks of emotions, I knew i had to tell my parents, we both agreed that right now i should just talk to my mom, and I told him that i needed him there with me, at first he said no, but agreed. So we met my mom for coffee, and we just sat there not saying anything, my mom went to get something from the counter and he said quick go do it now! He wouldnt come, and I had to approach my mother myself. I remember making my 12 week appointment, b/c he said b/c he worked mids, he didnt want to go with me to get my blood drawn, he already knew i was pregnant, and I wound up making my 12 week app. that afternoon because I didnt realzie I was that far along, i called him up and asked him to come and he said no because he was sleeping, but to come over after I was done. it was a horrible experience for a 19 year old who had never been to a gyno, what was worse all these problems weere brought up, but thankfully it all turned out to be nothing, I remember going to his place and laying down next to him, and i said hey do u wann feel the baby, the doc.showed me how to feel for it, and he wouldnt do it. As my pregnancy continued, things got worse, i was trying to get a job, and because my position had very lengthy filing process that wasnt good enough, he told me "if you ever crave something I wont get it for you, because if you want if bad enough you can go get it yourself." i developed preeclampsia, i was miserable, I was huge, and he would go through my closet and say " I just want my justine back" showing me a pair of size 3 jeans.... I remember one night I was violently ill, and he refused totake me to the hospital, i dorve to my moms and my mom took me. He use to play wrestle with me at 6 and 7 momnths pregnant, even after I would scream for him to stop, one time making me fall belly first, and he tried to catch me but he feel too, and replied not with im sorry, but with "wow your a lot heavier then you used to be"
By the time i had my daughter things were miseable at home and physically, after three days off trying to be induced I had a c-section, he refused to bring me anything from home, because I had not known I would be in the hosptal, when the nurses told me i should shower two days after the c-section, i asked my DH to go home and get me soap and shampoo, he refused, and said they should have something here, he wouldnt even bring me a tooth brush. He wouldnt help me, and I would up sobbing in the shower trying was myself with liquad hand soap from the public bathroom sink. The day we were to leave, he went home to get the car seat, and i called him and asked if he could bring me a change of clothes because I only had my clothes from 6 days ago, he refused, and I asked well can u just bring a sweat shirt because its cold, he refused, He wouldnt bring the car up to the front of the hospital, and because I was walking too slow he left behind to walk alone through the parking lot, when I got in he said that we had no food in the house and we had to go grocery shopping. So we did.
Two days later he inssisted when the doctor said walk she meant walk and try to take me on this three mile walk, I made it to my parents house and made some excuse because i hurt so bad, I had to rest, but that wasnt good enough so i said I had to go to the bathroom. A week after I left the hopsital he convinced my mother into taking the baby so we could attend a going away party for a very good frined, after an hour of being there I wanted to go home, he refused, three hours, four hours, still refused, and in the middle of the night, he finally told me that if I wanted to leave i could but he was staying, so I had to walk two miles back to my car, that i wasnt even suppose to drive yet alone, in the middle of the night to go home, alone. When my daughter was 8 weeks old, I returned to my fulltime job and was going to school fulltime, he would complain that things were done around the house, and how he would have to take care of the baby if my mom refused to watch her because HE was home.
There were so many incidents that involved my baby, it breaks my heart. He told me that he thought my stomach was ugly and it looked like elephant skin now, he at 4 weeks post pardum he actually got his feelings hurt because i refused to sleep with him, and he got angry and saif i dont inderstand it, you didnt give birth natrally, she came out of our stomach! He refused to go to Lamaze,or anyhting else that had to do with preparing for a baby. When my daughter was 6 months old they thought she was deaf and was transfered to another hopsital, he told me that if there was something wrong with the baby he didnt want it. he had said that while I was pregant refusing to attend an amnio i was having done, my dad came with me so I wasnt alone- Wheni found out that she was being sent to TX, he got upset because he said its not fair that you get to go back to the states and i dont, like i was going there for vacation!!!
By the time my daughter was 10 months old I had had enough, and we ronciled just long enough to mkae it to her 1st b-day, we had this huge party, he refused to send out the invitations that I had given him because that was embarrassing, but the bash was still great, except no one could ever find my DH because he was too busy playing and hanging out with his frineds. Like i said before, so much has happened that these are just some incidents, three months later I left, I packed my daughter up and I left, only to discover I was once again pregant, and i returned, telling him that i cant go through the same stuff again, well we moved in march, we returned to the states i was there for 5 weeks and decided I wasnt going to give him the oppertunity once again, and i went home to have my baby- for the three months I was gone, things were okay, we talked but we didnt talk, and when i came home with our two babies, I jumped into some very deep water. No longer than 5 hours hand my feet touched the ground with my two babies, my husband and some buddies went out to the bars because it was a friday, I learned that my husband frequently complained about how i had spent all his money while at home- except he would let me buy anything for our new baby until he went down there, i learned of all his partying while away to include a stint about him watching porn with two other couples, i was just shocked, well since then, that was 6 months ago, its just down from worse to worse, I have been called names, i have been told Im a neglectful wife, im a neglectful mother, I love one child but not the other, i am crazy..the list goes on, one minute its like this, the other is I love you so much. So we try out marriage councelling, what a joke and in the middle of all this i discover he has been searching for single women in the local area online, he tells me how he did it because he has nothing here, but then in another minute hes like i love you and i want this to work. Most recently i told him how i felt I said I thought he was controlling and he told me I wouldnt be controlling if you would just stay home, when i told him that when im with him I feel emotional drained, I feel nothing I have nothing, I feel worthless and de valued, he actually looked me in the eye and said well, if the house was cleaner, you would sit down and give me a family bdget I could treat you the way you want to be treated! Ive been told this and so many other things, ive been told I want to make this work but if you cant forgive me, you should pack your bags, all in the same sentence, its just a mind screw. I wont go on anymore just ebcause this is already so long, but thank you for letting me vent, Im just so confused now, I told him im tired of pretending, because if we arent pretending we are fighting,im just tired of it all and i really need some guidence, if anyone can help, give some advice or just their input, I would really appriciate it, Im just so lost as to what to do right now!
Im 22, I have a two year old and a 7 month old-both girls. I have been married to my DH for 3 year in March. We had a fast relationship within 7 months of knowing each other we were engaged. Two months later I discovered I was pregnant. I was terrified, but my DH at the time was so loving a supportive, and said that he loved me, and that this was a great thing. I believed him, and within 8 weeks we were married. Things however started down hill by the time I was 12 weeks pregnant. Now that i look back on it, i think things were goign down hill even before. My Dh suspected I was pregnant, I didnt, i showed no signs except for missing a menstral cycle. After much insistance from him I agreed to take a test, he said he would get me one, he didnt insted as he got ready for work during a mid shift, I sat on his bed and asked if we would get a test the following day and he said no, reached in his pocket, and through a 20 dollar bill on the bed. He said go get one tonight and if you dont want to take it at home, ill leave my place unlocked and you can do it here. I didnt, but taking his money just felt so wrong. Then after weeks of emotions, I knew i had to tell my parents, we both agreed that right now i should just talk to my mom, and I told him that i needed him there with me, at first he said no, but agreed. So we met my mom for coffee, and we just sat there not saying anything, my mom went to get something from the counter and he said quick go do it now! He wouldnt come, and I had to approach my mother myself. I remember making my 12 week appointment, b/c he said b/c he worked mids, he didnt want to go with me to get my blood drawn, he already knew i was pregnant, and I wound up making my 12 week app. that afternoon because I didnt realzie I was that far along, i called him up and asked him to come and he said no because he was sleeping, but to come over after I was done. it was a horrible experience for a 19 year old who had never been to a gyno, what was worse all these problems weere brought up, but thankfully it all turned out to be nothing, I remember going to his place and laying down next to him, and i said hey do u wann feel the baby, the doc.showed me how to feel for it, and he wouldnt do it. As my pregnancy continued, things got worse, i was trying to get a job, and because my position had very lengthy filing process that wasnt good enough, he told me "if you ever crave something I wont get it for you, because if you want if bad enough you can go get it yourself." i developed preeclampsia, i was miserable, I was huge, and he would go through my closet and say " I just want my justine back" showing me a pair of size 3 jeans.... I remember one night I was violently ill, and he refused totake me to the hospital, i dorve to my moms and my mom took me. He use to play wrestle with me at 6 and 7 momnths pregnant, even after I would scream for him to stop, one time making me fall belly first, and he tried to catch me but he feel too, and replied not with im sorry, but with "wow your a lot heavier then you used to be"
By the time i had my daughter things were miseable at home and physically, after three days off trying to be induced I had a c-section, he refused to bring me anything from home, because I had not known I would be in the hosptal, when the nurses told me i should shower two days after the c-section, i asked my DH to go home and get me soap and shampoo, he refused, and said they should have something here, he wouldnt even bring me a tooth brush. He wouldnt help me, and I would up sobbing in the shower trying was myself with liquad hand soap from the public bathroom sink. The day we were to leave, he went home to get the car seat, and i called him and asked if he could bring me a change of clothes because I only had my clothes from 6 days ago, he refused, and I asked well can u just bring a sweat shirt because its cold, he refused, He wouldnt bring the car up to the front of the hospital, and because I was walking too slow he left behind to walk alone through the parking lot, when I got in he said that we had no food in the house and we had to go grocery shopping. So we did.
Two days later he inssisted when the doctor said walk she meant walk and try to take me on this three mile walk, I made it to my parents house and made some excuse because i hurt so bad, I had to rest, but that wasnt good enough so i said I had to go to the bathroom. A week after I left the hopsital he convinced my mother into taking the baby so we could attend a going away party for a very good frined, after an hour of being there I wanted to go home, he refused, three hours, four hours, still refused, and in the middle of the night, he finally told me that if I wanted to leave i could but he was staying, so I had to walk two miles back to my car, that i wasnt even suppose to drive yet alone, in the middle of the night to go home, alone. When my daughter was 8 weeks old, I returned to my fulltime job and was going to school fulltime, he would complain that things were done around the house, and how he would have to take care of the baby if my mom refused to watch her because HE was home.
There were so many incidents that involved my baby, it breaks my heart. He told me that he thought my stomach was ugly and it looked like elephant skin now, he at 4 weeks post pardum he actually got his feelings hurt because i refused to sleep with him, and he got angry and saif i dont inderstand it, you didnt give birth natrally, she came out of our stomach! He refused to go to Lamaze,or anyhting else that had to do with preparing for a baby. When my daughter was 6 months old they thought she was deaf and was transfered to another hopsital, he told me that if there was something wrong with the baby he didnt want it. he had said that while I was pregant refusing to attend an amnio i was having done, my dad came with me so I wasnt alone- Wheni found out that she was being sent to TX, he got upset because he said its not fair that you get to go back to the states and i dont, like i was going there for vacation!!!
By the time my daughter was 10 months old I had had enough, and we ronciled just long enough to mkae it to her 1st b-day, we had this huge party, he refused to send out the invitations that I had given him because that was embarrassing, but the bash was still great, except no one could ever find my DH because he was too busy playing and hanging out with his frineds. Like i said before, so much has happened that these are just some incidents, three months later I left, I packed my daughter up and I left, only to discover I was once again pregant, and i returned, telling him that i cant go through the same stuff again, well we moved in march, we returned to the states i was there for 5 weeks and decided I wasnt going to give him the oppertunity once again, and i went home to have my baby- for the three months I was gone, things were okay, we talked but we didnt talk, and when i came home with our two babies, I jumped into some very deep water. No longer than 5 hours hand my feet touched the ground with my two babies, my husband and some buddies went out to the bars because it was a friday, I learned that my husband frequently complained about how i had spent all his money while at home- except he would let me buy anything for our new baby until he went down there, i learned of all his partying while away to include a stint about him watching porn with two other couples, i was just shocked, well since then, that was 6 months ago, its just down from worse to worse, I have been called names, i have been told Im a neglectful wife, im a neglectful mother, I love one child but not the other, i am crazy..the list goes on, one minute its like this, the other is I love you so much. So we try out marriage councelling, what a joke and in the middle of all this i discover he has been searching for single women in the local area online, he tells me how he did it because he has nothing here, but then in another minute hes like i love you and i want this to work. Most recently i told him how i felt I said I thought he was controlling and he told me I wouldnt be controlling if you would just stay home, when i told him that when im with him I feel emotional drained, I feel nothing I have nothing, I feel worthless and de valued, he actually looked me in the eye and said well, if the house was cleaner, you would sit down and give me a family bdget I could treat you the way you want to be treated! Ive been told this and so many other things, ive been told I want to make this work but if you cant forgive me, you should pack your bags, all in the same sentence, its just a mind screw. I wont go on anymore just ebcause this is already so long, but thank you for letting me vent, Im just so confused now, I told him im tired of pretending, because if we arent pretending we are fighting,im just tired of it all and i really need some guidence, if anyone can help, give some advice or just their input, I would really appriciate it, Im just so lost as to what to do right now!

Hi Justine,
I'm glad you're here. Wow, you have really had a time of it and you're only 21?
No, you're not crazy and you are being abused verbally and possibly physically with the play wrestling.
Your DH sounds alot like my ex. I always thought the most hurtful thing he said was I was a terrible wife and a terrible mother. I was a good, faithful and supportive wife and I loved my son before I knew him. My ex literally exhausted me to the point where I really believed he would look for and ruin anything I wanted to do or liked.
I left while I was pregnant and will hopefully be divorced soon.
Now then, you are still a baby and believe it or not have the world at your feet and if you leave you can make it on your own and your children can thrive in a loving home. You don't deserve to be treated in this way and any man would would tell a pregnant woman he wants his hottie size 3 back is a jacka**.
Now What?
Go to your parents and tell them everything. They sound very supportive and I bet already have an idea of what is going on. I would not do any marriage counseling, but would seek out the local women's shelter and get counseling there. If you are ready to leave and want out, make a safety plan and leave. Once gone no contact is the rule. Since you have kids, it's no contact except to discuss when he is picking them up and details on visitation, but I would honestly be surprised if he showed no interest in one or both of them. The first step is realizing you are being abused. No one wants to realize that and it's hard to believe that the person you loved wanted to hurt you for no reason. After that the fog lifts and you feel better and can realize what life is like again without the anger, fog and confusion of never knowing what to do to please DH.
I hope that helps. I am sure the others will be along shortly as well. You are no longer alone and we are all here to support you and will never judge you.
PS-Was your child deaf after the TX trip or was it something else?
-Jennifer
I'm glad that you made it over here, but sad that you have a need for the board. (hugs)
In a lot of ways, it sounds like this is a classically abusive relationship. He moved quickly, got you pregnant ASAP so that it would be harder to get away from him, and then started in. What you have to do now, is think of your kids- is this something you want them to grow up thinking is normal? Contact your local domestic violence shelter, and tell your parents what is going on. You are so young, you have every chance in the world at a normal, GREAT life, and your kids deserve much better than this. You can do it!
Welcome, justy.