I'm hurting
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I'm hurting
| Thu, 03-31-2005 - 8:56am |
I have felt in the last few weeks that I have been literally hit by a mac truck. It's never been this bad. It recently got worse when I posted about h and I seeing a marriage counselor. This counselor last night told us we were by far the worst case in his 29 years of counseling. He was agitated, stressed out looking, and I could tell he doesn't want to take us on anymore. I have never felt so violated by a counselor in my life. My h looked pretty surprised by his actions as well. I think this guy felt like we weren't going to work with him, and everytime we questioned things he got angry and defensive (the counselor). In session I got overwhelmed about the whole situation, between H blaming me for everything, and this counselor for yelling at me because I told them both I couldn't take it anymore....I told them both I would be better off dead or in a mental hospital to maybe get some help. That's how much I felt like I've been losing it lately. Well this idiot counselor goes off on me and starts yelling at me and telling me how selfish I am. To think such things when I have kids at home I need to be worrying about. He made me feel so shameful in feeling the way I did. In my mind i do not feel like I am self centered---very far from it actually. But thats what he told me I was. I understand what he was saying, but didn't really need to hear it at that moment I guess. He also told both H and I that divorce is the worst thing we could possibly do to a child. If there was any way that we could try to work things out to stay married. He said he has alot of experience in divorce and children, and knows this to be a fact. When I try to carefully bring up the verbal abuse and non respect for me from my h the counselor wants to tiptoe around the issue. I am not going back to this guy. H can if he wants to. I just feel like I am at a dead end again. I'm sick of fighting for my rights. I need a rest. I don't hink this is a battle I will ever win. H won! Women don't matter. Go back to my little perfect house and family and don't ruffle the feathers anymore and keep my mouth shut and do what I am told.

Stayfearless,
You win by leaving the mess you're in and creating a new and better life for yourself and your children.
That's how you win.
All the best to you,
Heymum
P.S. Joint marital counseling when there's abuse in the marriage is never a good idea.
Don't go back to counseling with your husband. Go by yourself to a different counselor. Joint counseling doesn't work with abuse situations. Husband manages to take control and turn it all around on you and doesn't take any blame.
Fearless, you need to report this guy to the state licencing board.
CL-Blueliner4
I think that counselor needs to see a counselor. Sounds like he has anger issues himself. The whole purpose to counseling is for everyone to feel comfortable enough to share their thoughts and work thru problems. He oblivously isn't giving you this environment so it's not you.
You are not nuts and simply trying not to ruffle feathers won't work either. When someone is abusive it doesn't matter how much you comply to their demands they will always raise the bar or change the demand so you still never meet it.
As for your kids, they will eventually pick up on the tension in the house and act out because of it. They may be little, but aren't dumb. It's better for them to see 2 parents who are happy and respect each other(he's an abuser so I use that term loosly), then to have 2 parents who absolutely can't stand each other and argue or get abusive to each other. That's how the cycle continues. Kids see it and think that's what marriage is about and so when they have stress or emotions they act out in the same way to their partner.
Talk to the shelter counselor more it really will help you find clarity.
Fearless, you've heard the phrase "dream team," right? Well, this is a nightmare team. That worthless little whiner is joining H in abusing you. If this is what he's been doing for 29 years, no wonder antidepressants have become so popular.
"Divorce is the worst thing you can do to a child." That line of bull cookie is nothing but rhetoric. There's no thought or compassion behind it. Don't let it sink in! Divorce is not the worst thing, and if it happens, it will not be your fault anyway. So he's yelling at the wrong person.
And that's another thing. He should not raise his voice to a client, especially one who's already feeling so down. I wouldn't blame you for a second if you reported him. He crossed the line from disgusting neglect to cruelty.
You're right not to go back to him. One abuser is enough for anyone to deal with. Concentrate on your individual work and take the best care of yourself that you possibly can. Gonna get off my soapbox now. Big hugs and best of luck. Keep us posted, Fearless.
Blue I wish I had you there with me last night! Thanks everybody for the support. I really need it right now. Last night and this morning I was hurt. Now I am pissed off. The more I think about this whole disaster the more angry I get. Last night felt like I was in a dream or a movie. It was weird. I never felt so messed up in my life han in that office last night. I have a feeling it's just what I have never felt before---slowly trying to get out of this marriage. I'm sure I have more pain to endure. I just have to deal with it. This counselor also went on and told us his life story about how his parents divorced and how he knows it's wrong. I also think the reason why he thinks we are not going to make it is because I went to him first without H. I told him how H was and about the verbal abuse, etc. I wonder if he was just trying to see if he could work a miracle when he told me to bring in my h. He actually had my kids in the session with us as a family after I told him what I thought about h and our situation. He wanted to see how the kids were. I am starting to think (I am no expert) that this guy is not doing what he is supposed to be doing. He was also going through his bills and mail, acting like we were not the priority either come to think of it. What a jerk! I really should look into his credentials. Well I apologize for not listening about going to marriage counseling. I had to see for myself. :)
Awwww....((((((((HUGS))))))))
The more you talk about this guy, the more I know he's a terrible counselor.
CL-Blueliner4