I'm leaving 1 day ... & ? it the next ..
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| Mon, 12-20-2004 - 11:39pm |
Its no fun, is it?
I am married (6 yrs, together 8) to a very verbally abusive man, we have a terrfic almost 5 yr old dd. I am an educated, RN - who SHOULD knwo better! He is absolutely Jeckyl & Hyde. The reason i have stayed so long, as i suppose MOST abused women do, is b/c i do see the "good" part of him as well. He is a wonderfully involved loving supportive father to our dd. Never ANY at ALL, abuse towards her. & when he isnt in a pissy mood, he is fine w/ me too. It used to be that the good way outweighed the bad ... but it isnt anymore. BUT ... it finally hit me that the way he treats HER MOTHER, often in front of her, is as bad as abusing her directly. She is LEARNING it is ok to be called a moron, a fat C***, a loser, a sneaky coniving B****, - he loves to say how much he hates me - & he snaps at me about the littlest things ... i parked the car crooked, i didnt lock the window tight enough, i made the freakin POTATOES IN THE WRONG BOWL ... Lord, could anything be WORSE? Sheesh! The WRONG BOWL? Get a LIFE! But worse, There have been at least 4 times in 2-3 years where i have had to take our dd & get out, fast, b/c i thought he would hurt me. He just gets into such an absolute RAGE ... he hasnt hurt me ... yet. He did once put his hands around my throat, w/o squeezing, saying he "Wished he could snap my neck". He has told me that if i ever try to make him leave, he will burn down the hosue, w/ me in it - making sure 1st that our dd & animals are out. Nice, ha?
He also in an alcoholic. Not a raging "daily" drinker - but we have had many MANY issues over the years b/c of his drinking - & he is an alcoholic for sure. He didnt drink for almost a year b/c i was leaving him a year ago Aug, but now he slwoly is back to it. He used to be fun when he drank & over the past couple years, he is an angry drunk.
So what the HECK am i ? about leaving?
B/c I so stupidly think that he is like this b/c he feels so poorly about himself & that he has NO self esteem - OR any direction in life. He is about actually, to get a really good job - one that he has waited many years to get - good money, but even better, some furture for him. He works part-time now, he never put into this marriage finanacially even 1/4 what i have - he has no carreer, no retirment, no insurance except for mine. He feels like crap about him self & it is that vicious cycle of Depression & low self esteem. He has always been willing to try (but not get sober!) by taking antidepressants & we have been to lots of individual AND marriage thereapy. Nothing can keep him ok. So far.
I am seeing an atty Wed about filing for divorce. I dont WANT to. My dd is so close to him & it will break her heart. He cares for her when i work eves, all these years, & they have a really close bond. But i really am not in love with him anymore. I keep thinking "maybe this new career is what will pull him out of this slump. Maybe he will be HAPPY with himself, & he can change". But even IF it could change him, how can i forgive all that he has done to me & the names he has called me. When he isnt in a "mood", he is loving & funny & good to me. Sounds weird even SAYING he can be good to me. But he does have his moments.
Ok, someone slap me. (but not HIM! lol)
Am i nutz ot think maybe there is hope? I am thinking that either way i will aim for at the very LEAST a legal seperation & get him out of the house. It may take an order of protection to get him out though. He isnt going to go willingly ... UNLESS he thinks SENSIBLY for once, that an order of protection &/or his getting arressted, will LOSE this job for him in a heartbeat - its a town position. I haev documentation & some actual audio tapes, of the abuse & drunkeness all thru the years. This has been going on a long time & for at least the past 4 years i have been making a case for my getting out - & documentation in case i need it to prove he needs to be removed AND that he shouldnt have joint custody. Not right away anyway, when he is going to be most crazed. He CONSTANTLY uses our dd to get to me - he says all this stuff in front of her AND makes comments that i am going to throw him out & he wont have a place ot live or be able to see her anymore, or that i will find her a new Daddy ... crap, CRAP, liek that. I HATE HIM when he does that. I truly think he is so freaking CLUELESS about how much that can damage her ... if he realized it, he woudltn do it.
Ok, thanks for listening!

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Hi, Rebecca, and I say this with tongue firmly in cheek "OH, the CURSE of being a NURSE!"
Mama Harmony
Thanks so much. I woudl be ok if i never was able to have another child. But it is like its in my BLOOD! Labor & Delivery nursing is my dream come true, b/c if i COULD, i would have 6 kids. I adored being preganant, & obvoiusly i adore the whole birthing process & raising a child. But Averey is my absolute pride & joy. Nothing, No one, could make me "happier" or more complete. Another child one day would just be a bonus!
& my appt w/ the atty is tomrrow at 10am. Im scared. But i also know there is a lite at the end of the tunnell. & b4 i take off my nursing cap, one thing keeps running thru my mind. This may be actually good for HIM! There is no way, w/ me caring for him & being co-dependeant, & him BEING dependant, that he could ever grow up & get healthy while married to me. Losing it all may actually make him buck up, smell the coffee, get a LIFE. & that can only be good for him, & more importantly, our dd. (& me too!)
Thanks! R~
Hi, Rebecca. Sure hope your appointment is going well. I just sent you an email.
Take care,
Jenny
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