I'm losing my kids to him

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
I'm losing my kids to him
11
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 5:35pm

I'm pretty much "losing" my kids to my abusive ex. My 7 yr old CONSTANTLY asks for him. She won't spend a weekend or holiday with me without making me miserable. She constantly wants to be over at his house. Part of it is because her best friend (stepsister) is over there.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I can't enjoy the kids anymore because they are either acting out or asking for him. My 7 yr old calls him to pick her up early. I tell him wait until the agreed upon time to get her. Last night I told him that and his response was "I'm sure she is enjoying her time over there, LOSER."

What should I do? Should I just give him what he wants and give him the kids. I'm chronically depressed because of this. They cry cause they don't want to come back home. Should I just leave them there? Maybe it is the only way to get away from him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 8:04pm

jody--
Do you think the kids feel sorry for your ex? That may be the reason your 7 yr old cries for him and wants to be with him. Just a guess?? I have a 7 yr old boy, and I know how sensitive he is. My ds also tries to make me feel better if he knows there is stress between myself and my dh. I'm sure someone better qualified than myself can help you more with this. This is where your ex wants you, to give in to him and give him everything. I'm sure this is just another manipulating tactic on his part to win the kids over. In time the kids will feel differently. The kids must be going through alot of emotions right now. Give it time. Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 8:23pm

Hey, Jody. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but by no means should you give up. Your daughter is after all 7 years old, same as mine. They are not blessed with a great perspective at this age. She's going to figure out, eventually, that normal life is good. She'll also figure out who's behaving like a knothead.... He'll get tired of this game and then he won't be Mr. Fun. And what happens if and when the stepsister isn't her stepsister anymore?

What does your separation agreement say about phone contact? If it's not spelled out, I'd limit her phone privileges. She's misusing them and it's a logical consequence. My policy is that my kids are allowed to call their father whenever they wish, but if one of them pulled a stunt like that, the policy would change. They would have to earn back the unrestricted access.

The crying is something you can't control. It might be best to express understanding the first time they mention their father ("It sounds like you miss your dad. I'm sure you're looking forward to seeing him again. Your next weekend will be here before you know it.") Afterwards, don't react visibly (easy for me to say). Missing dad is an emotional issue and they need support. Nagging is a discipline issue and they need to see it won't work. Try writing their dad time on the calendar and when they ask to go back, tell them the schedule is this and you have to follow the schedule. If the schedule is the bad guy, then you're not.

As for the name-calling, I guarantee the separation agreement has no provision requiring you to take that crap. Document every cross word he says. If you have a legal person, ask them what can be worked out. I'm sure there's a way to deny him carte blanche to abuse you. 'Til then, quietly hang up the phone at the first sign of stupidity and refuse to answer if he calls back.

Don't give up. You're stronger and smarter than the babes, and that other individual doesn't hold a candle to you. Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 8:57pm

Hi Jodyannrn.


I'm sorry that you are going through this.


Have you ever heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome?


If you do a Web search, there is a wealth of information out there on it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 9:12pm

Hugs to you! What an awful situation. I am not sure what your custody/visitation agreement is, but here is my opinion. Bottom line, you are the parent, 7 year old is the child. Set that limit. She doesn't get to decide at this point what she wants. It is up to the adults here to follow the court order. You can gently tell her when she will see her dad, look on a calendar, show her the day she will go back. You can acknowledge her feelings of missing him. If her dad wants to continue to be a schmuck, let him. Just document everything.

As far as your depression, have you gotten any help for that? Are you seeing a therapist? Taking meds? The meds can help you get balanced, the therapist can help you deal with these highly emotional situations in which your feelings are being so deeply hurt by your children. Also, try not to let her see you when you are hurt by her behavior.

I have an 8 year old and her dad plays the "poor me" card all the time with her. It makes me crazy. When she comes back from visits, she is angry with me. She says I am mean to him, I don't let her see him as often as she wants. He is so sad without her. I just tell it to her straight, I have shown her the court order, I have been honest with her. And I always tell her how much I love her and how confusing it must be to have to go back and forth between parents. Of course this gets to me and I have made some statements to her that were inappropriate, then I have apologized, taken responsibility for my actions.

Have you spoken to her teacher at school? How is she doing in school? Are there any behaviors they are concerned about? What about therapy for her? That could actually be really helpful for the both of you.

Good luck, hang in there!

Liz

Avatar for sandman2write
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 1:20am

Jody I am sorry to hear that you are going through this, as a lot of us have to
deal with this in some form or another. Children feel a lose and gravitate to
the non-custodial parent this is normal so validate their feelings as best as you can
This is very important for them. I don’t know what your custody papers say
but along with the papers you make the boundaries. Stick to these boundaries
for now, it is best for your kids and everyone. Your kids will learn quickly that
this is the way thing are, and your ex will know as well

<tell them the schedule is this and you have to follow the schedule<<<

I like this Idea that gonabefine suggested, perhaps make a chart that you can
Put on the refrigerator. Let the kids participate in making it or let them make it
themselves. This will help them cope with the feelings they maybe having.
and in the transition of a new way of life

Hang in there Jody, know that you are in control, and always keep your children’s
best interests at heart. Every thing will come together in time

I hope this helps

Hugs and positive thoughts

Randy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 7:48am

Hi Jody,

Issa is right...you need to take control and set some limits. If you have to, get some outside intervention on this. Don't let the emotions of the children set you off. These little ones don't understand how they are being manipulated and are only acting out in frustration. Whatever you do, don't take it personal. My daughter was 22 and was acting like a 2 year old because of her father. The helpless feelings these children give you are tremendous, but you need to stand firm.

First and foremost, get yourself straight in front of the children. Let them know that this is the way it is. You have court documents to prove it. The calendar thing is a great idea.

I know it's hard, but if you stand firm you will eventually win. Remember, these children need YOU.

Your 7 yo is not so much looking at her father, but spending time with her best friend. This is the one she is really talking to. I think maybe there is some peer pressure going on there too. That is almost impossible to fight. Can you maybe have her over to your house a bit? Think about when you were 7 and what was important to you, probably not your mother, but that friend down the street that you told your secrets to.

Stay strong.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 11:46am
I honestly believe I would have been better off putting up with this abusive man and staying in the marriage. I still have to put up with the abuse now, he just uses the kids to use against me now. That is harder than anything. The kids come back crying to me. They want to stay there. They have so much more to do over there and they have fun. When it is time to come back to mommies they actually hide when it is time to come back to me. I'm not a bad person. I take care of them very well. Don't know what I did to deserve this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 1:47pm

Jody,

Do you deserve this? Of course not, but your life has changed and you need to make the changes necessary for you and your children's survival. Take yourself out of the present and look forward to what you want your children to be. I'm sorry if I seem hard, I don't mean to be. I just remember when I was going through he@@ with my children, I almost gave up. I almost let him win. Then, I thought, these are children that have a whole life ahead of them. I need to show them strength. I quit letting them push my buttons. I quit letting them tell me off. I thought I was going to die and never have my children again. Go back and read my posts. Never did I think I was going to make it. I just listened to others and put myself on auto pilot. Somehow I made it...still not sure how. There are still alot of issues we have to work through, but the one thing my children know now is that I am their rock no matter what. Their is no more fighting, no more competition...I won't allow it. I told my son last weekend when he was upset about things going on that it doesn't matter. There were only two things that mattered in my life. He goes and one of them is me, right? Focus on making them know you are there for them at all times no matter what, and let this game playing take it's course.

It's going to be hard, but your idiot x is using all his cards right now to show them he can give them the "perfect" world. Pull your own deck out and use it.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 1:49pm

Jody - I can only guess how it makes you feel and I am soooooo sorry that he is doing this to you!!! It is frustrating when you are doing all of the parenting and he has all the fun!!!! Your kids will wisen up with time but they NEED the discipline and consistent behaviour that you are displaying to grow up responsible and happy adults. You are doing everything right and they will end up not wanting to be with him in the end.

My stbx is the perfect example of that. None of his kids (from previous marriages)stay home for long because as usual, he is only "into" himself and they get tired of trying to make him notice them. Now he is doing the same to our dd and she deserves a dad who truely loves her and wants to be with her. This is a situation that will never happen as he is too damn selfish to find time.

Keep your chin up and stick to your guns. your kids will appreciate it more than you will ever know! ~hugs~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:23pm
Thank you for your response. It puts things in a different light for me. I like how you put that, he is using all his cards right now, and to pull your own deck out and use it. I went back to try to find some of your old posts but wasn't able to find them. Where they from a while ago? Did everything work out for you in the end?

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