I'm New Here - Please Help!
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| Thu, 11-17-2005 - 12:45pm |
I met DH 7 years ago next month. A year later I moved in with him. A year and 1/2 after that I married him. I knew the following when I married him: he was abused with every manner of abuse (except the physical act of sex) by his mother as a child and he had huge trust issues. After we were married, and he felt he'd lost control of his life, he became verbally abusive. He has huge anger issues. I can't be perfect, so inevitably I would do something to trigger this anger. And of course, every time we argued, he would talk about how he should have never gotten married because now I could take everything he has. First of all, it isn't like he's wealthy, second, I make more money than he does, and third, I DON'T WANT HIS STUFF! I couldn't deal with his anger and lack of respect for me, and finally I sought counseling. My counselor helped me see why he was acting the way he does, and she helped me modify my responses to his actions (having never witnessed such dysfunctional relationships, I wasn't prepared for this). Just knowing why he did what he did helped somewhat, and my change in response to him also helped. Eventually, he also received counseling from my counselor. This helped more than anything. His anger issues greatly improved, and he seemed to be trusting our marriage more and believing that I wasn't just going to up and leave him. I don't want this to come off like our relationship is all bad, there are very good times. And he isn't like the typical abuser (if there is a such thing), he doesn't try to isolate me from my family and friends (other than I'm not supposed to tell them ANYTHING about our problems), but I do recognize that he is abusive.
Pre-August 29th, our relationship had finally reached a rather beautiful point. I honestly can't remember the last time we had a big issue prior to that. We were supposed to start trying for children in July, but he chickened out. We were dealing with this in a productive manner, and I felt we were almost in a position to move forward. Then - on August 29th, Hurricane Katrina hit. We lost our home, and it looks like we're going to lose our marriage. All the hard work we did to work past the abuse issues to form a positive relationship seems to have gone out with the same tidal surge that destroyed our home. I desperately want children, and he's decided he wants them too. Problem, this triggers his trust issues - he fears we'll have children and then I'll take them and everything he's got. This triggers his anger issues, and he's already gotten unreasonably angry with me numerous times. I am once again feeling that I'll never be able to live up to his standards, I'll never be able to convince him how much I love him and that I'm not going to take all his stuff, and to be honest I'm just totally exhausted from trying. Now he wants a pre-nuptial agreement. Of course this would mean divorcing, doing a pre-nup and remarrying. I know that there is a such animal as a post-nuptial, but am completely unfamiliar with it. I believe if we had something of this nature, it would greatly help. At least it would take care of the trust issue. This is the only area he doesn't trust me. The problem is that if a post-nup won't work, and we have to get divorced to do a pre-nup, then this relationship is over. I don't think he realizes that the divorce will be real. It will necessitate division of assets, liabilities, etc., and I know that in that even I must protect myself. The only way for me to divorce him without huge issues arising between us is to give him everything he wants which would mean screwing myself. If I take care of me, I believe it will doom any chance of reconciliation and remarrying.
Anyway, I just need some people who understand me, and if anyone knows anything about post-nuptial agreements, that wouldn't hurt either.
Thanks for spending so much time with me.
Adrianne

Hi Adrianne,
I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your house! That's stressful enough without all this other stuff on top of it!
Your husband doesn't just have anger issues. He has abuse issues, and abuse often increases after children come into the picture.
A pre-nuptial agreement isn't going to help. Nothing you say or do is going to help because his problems don't have anything to do with you.
"I am once again feeling that I'll never be able to live up to his standards, I'll never be able to convince him how much I love him and that I'm not going to take all his stuff, and to be honest I'm just totally exhausted from trying."
Yes, you've got it! Go with this! This is where the truth is. You're exhausted from trying, and you've realized that it's never going to be enough.
I've lived like that, and it IS exhausting! You've devoted enough time & energy to your husband. Now what about your own thoughts & feelings? What about your own standards and quality of life?
I've been involved with two abusive men. The one that I was married to for almost ten years modified his behavior so that he no longer called me names, broke stuff, threw punches, grabbed me or otherwise scared me to death, but he wasn't able to change his thinking. So while things went along calmly enough, we were never able to really solve any problems because he was never capable of admitting he was ever wrong about anything or ever at fault.
The way I avoided bad scenes with him was just to continually let things slide. I never ever showed my anger, and I said "yes, dear" a lot. I got very sick of letting things slide, and I got really sick of playing counselor to him. He had a messed up childhood? Yeah, well so did I...so did a lot of people!...and we don't go around hitting people and yelling at them or threatening them or just plain old acting like spoiled two-year-olds.
I spent a lot of time trying to convince both my ex's that I wasn't the enemy, that they could trust me, that I loved them, that I'd do anything for them, that I'd never hurt them, and you know what it got me? A whole lot of grief, a chronic illness, depression, and a bunch of medical bills! I had to have my last ex thrown in jail, and he's now court ordered to stay away from me.
Sorry for the rant. I got a little side-tracked there.
Be good to yourself. Read as much as you can about abuse. Not all abusers are exactly the same, but they do tend to share a lot the of same traits.
Agree, agree, agree.