Im not doing too good over here

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Im not doing too good over here
4
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 10:54pm

hello, I am having a real rough time lately. I have been going to the cousellers for the past couple of weeks and its helping for a tiny bit, but im losing my mind.

If some of you dont know my situation, i am in a abusive marrige, just came to reality with it on new years. I plan on leaving in march when i have enough money to survive on my own. But its killing me, really starting to kill me. At first i was like, okay i can do this, i can keep quite and put a face on for a couple of more months.....no i reeeally cant. I have told him nothing, if i did, he would flip. So instead i am hiding it, pretending to still love him and putting on a fake face, is basically whats going on. The stronger i get everyday in seeing his abuse, the more i want to leave.

I am really going insane here, i dont even want to come home anymore, i dont want him touching me, i dont want to sleep near him, i dont even like to look at him. I recently told my dad about it and he was very supportive, my sis also know, and a few close friends. But telling ppl about just makes it worse too, cause it feels like my big secret is out, and its almost like they dont care..?..i know that sounds silly, but while they go back to living there normal happy lives, i have to go home to hell.

I just feel like instead of getting better about it all, im getting worse, i feel like im getting nowheres, i do have the odd good day, but it changes when i get home. Than when hubby is in his "sweet" mode, i end up feeling all guilty because i know i am leaving soon, and that he will be all alone. I feel totally, utterly, lost and helpless...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:39am

Hey hon -


I know your plan was to save up some funds, but I think you may have set your goal too far out.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:12pm
Blue is right on. In addition, I wonder if maybe the ppl you've told are just in shock and want to help but don't know how? Perhaps they do care, but don't know what to say or do. I wonder if any of them would be willing to let you move in with them for awhile? If you feel comfortable asking them, that might also be something to consider...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 5:23pm

Here we are, you & I ... living the exact same situation. Read my newest post if you want an update.

1st i have to day, DONT STAY if its affecting you that badly. Its not worth your sanity.

I am able to stay b/c there isnt physical abuse at this point, & if there was, i would be LONG gone ... & that coudl happen at any moment the way he is these days. For me, its financial as well. There is no sex, hasnt been in a LONG while, on both our parts (his sex drive is NILL) so thats not an issue. If it were, there is NO Way i could do it. Literally, lol. I also am a huge "Planner". For me, its worth these couple motnhs of no sleep ... & stress .. to wait till i am ready & all set. Of course, we see LITTLE of each other since we work opposiste shifts ... well, now he isnt working ... but i stay out as much as possible.

Vent here anytime ... hugs & prayers & STRENGTH & SANITY! R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 5:40pm
hello, thank you for replying, your advice is greatly needed and appreciated. I have thought about living with someone but i dont really want to , i think i would rather just stay for a little longer here in hell and than make a clean cut, get on my own. I know that there is light at the end of this dark hole, but in order to get there i need to play it safe. I just hope in the meantime i can handle it, this board i know will save me from going over the cliff, so in advance thank you, im sure you will be seeing alot of me =)