I'm scared....what can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
I'm scared....what can I do?
8
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:31am
I've posted other boards, and was told to leave him. Now I'm done trying to save our relationship and I just want him out of my house.

Brief history:

Met him in July of 2002, dated long-distance for a year, moved to his house in another state with my son in June of 2003, lived in his house for almost a year, while there he had trouble paying his bills so I took over paying the bills, he stopped giving me money for the bills because he was paying for other things like our vacation and my engagement ring. I continued to pay the bills without his help for 8 months. Bills were twice as much as I made, so I took thousands of dollars out of my savings to pay them. No physical violence, but very bad temper and very controlling and manipulative, but also very sweet (I got sucked in).

March 2004 - We decided to buy his parents house from them. They were moving south. He has no money so I bought the house in my name only and used what was left of my savings for the down payment.

Since we moved into the house we have done nothing but argue. He has become more and more controlling. My son spent most of the summer with my parents because he can't stand him. We've been seeing a counselor trying to work on things. He has gotten more and more verbally abusive, blaming me for everything, asking me if I'm "better" yet (after I see the counselor), he even asked the counselor if he could prescribe some drugs for me. I've tried to talk to him calmly and rationally, but he gets very angry and argues with me every time I try to talk to him. He went to Florida for a month to "work", doing hurricane clean up. He worked for about a week and spent the rest of the time drinking and going to the beach. We were getting along fine (over the phone) while he was gone. On Monday he decided to come home. He called on his way home and yelled at me for 2 hours about how he didn't miss me at all and he didn't want to come home because all I care about is his money (which he has none, he's filing bankruptcy because of $60,000 in cc debt). He got home Tuesday morning and called me at work and wanted to know what we were going to do. I told him that I was done and he needed to move out. He got mad and went out and wrecked my son's new dirt bike that he bought with his own money. (I can't prove it, but he did something to the engine so it won't run.) He stayed at the house and slept in the basement. Last night after my son went to bed, I told him that he had to leave. He said he wasn't ever leaving this house...it's the house he grew up in and it's his parents house and he wasn't leaving. I told him I would have him removed and he said you're going to have to because I'm not leaving. I gave him the engagement ring back and told him I didn't want anything to do with him, and he has until Saturday to find someplace else to live. He said he's not leaving until I pay him the money that he has spent on the house (he spent $6000 having the pole barn cemented and new garage doors installed), and he says that I owe his dad $30,000 because his dad said that he would only sell us the house for $150,000 if we paid him another $30,000 on the side, because he really wanted $180,000 for it (but there is nothing in writing and I never agreed to that). He also said he wanted all of the money that he gave me for the October bills back. I told him I already paid all the bills with it, so he said he is paid up until the end of October so he's not leaving until then.

He's scaring me because he's completely unpredictable and he's got a very bad temper. I don't know what he's capable of. He ran over my bike in June because me and my son went on a bike ride without him. I think he's psycho. But he does things to make it look like an accident. He has not hurt me or my son but I know he's capable of it. My dog is home with him right now and I'm afraid he's going to do something to my dog.

Plus he has his own business and the business is run out of the home and the pole barn. But since he doesn't own the property I don't think he has any rights to it. I'm just not sure if I have enough reason to call the police. I'm doubting myself because of the things he's telling me (like he's paid his rent for the month of Oct. so I can't have him kicked out). What can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:24pm

Hi Amber, and welcome -


As far as calling to have him removed, you may not have enough, but I would call them anyway, ask to speak with the officer who handles DV, and explain your situation and get their feedback.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 5:27pm
I called the police and a domestic violence shelter. The DV shelter has all of it's employees in a staff meeting today so I haven't heard back from them yet. The police told me that they would come out and make him leave. All I have to do is call them and they will be right out. They said since he doesn't own the house, I can make him leave. I have a friend following me home after work. If he is there, I'm going to tell him to leave. If he's not there, I'm going to pack a bag for me and my son and we'll stay somewhere safe tonight and deal with him tomorrow.

I'll update you tomorrow.

Thanks! And everybody have a safe night!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:46am
I went home after work. He was there. I called the police from the driveway and told them I was going to need some help. I went out to the garage where he was working on his truck. I asked him if he has started packing. He said he's leaving as soon as he can. I told him he needed to leave now and he could make arrangements to get his stuff later. He said he wasn't leaving until I gave him the money back for the Oct. bills. I told him it was already gone because I paid the bills, but there was $700 of my money in the safe. I asked him if he already changed the combo on the safe and he said yes. He told me if I wanted him to leave I was going to have to call the cops because he was not leaving. I told him they were on their way. He didn't believe me so I went in the house and waited for them to arrive. When they got there, the male cop talked to him and said that he was willing to leave and that he just wanted to get some stuff out of the house. The cop went inside with him. I told him I wanted to get my stuff out of the safe, so they let me go in and he opened the safe and gave me everything but the $700, which I didn't argue about. He left very irate, he was throwing things around the whole time he was in the house and he almost broke the gate when he was leaving. He tore out of the driveway like a bat out of hell, to the point that the cops yelled at me to get out of the way. After he left I packed a bag and took the dog and went to pick up my son and we stayed at a friends house. I'm getting the locks changed today. He's coming back Saturday to get the rest of his stuff and the cops highly recommended that I have police there.

After I left I realized that when he opened the safe his loaded hand gun was not in there. So I called the cops back and asked them if they remembered seeing his hand gun in the safe or if he had taken it out of the safe while they were there. The cop said he never saw a hand gun. So that means he took the gun out of the safe before I even told him the cops were coming. That worried me. The cop said it wasn't illegal for him to have a gun but to be careful and don't go anywhere alone.

I'm so afraid that he has gone off the deep end. His sister stopped over while the cops were there because she saw the cop cars. She even said she never saw him act this way before. And that's how he was acting with the cops there! She said she was scared for my safety and that I shouldn't stay in that house alone even after the locks are changed! How will I ever sleep at night? I am going to get a realtor and get the house up for sale as soon as I can. I refuse to live in fear and I will not put my son in danger!

I've never been in a situation like this before. I'm a nervous wreck. How do you get thru this??? How do you live your life? Do I look over my shoulder forever or will it get better with time? I hate this feeling and I feel for the people who have to live like this. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:04pm

Hi again, Amber -


You're already doing the right things.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 11:50pm

Amber, you are to be applauded for standing up to this bully and sticking to your guns.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 8:35am
Amberwave, like you said this man is controlling and munipulative. I know this man, he sounds identical to the man I just left 2 weeks ago. Totally unpredictable. Breaks things, throws things, yells screams, blames you for things that are not going his way if your involved with it or not. It is very scary! When I started feeling this way I knew it was time to leave. The only difference I can see by reading your post is that I have been hit, and I had him put his hands around my neck sitting on me telling me he wanted to kill me. I have 2 boys ages 9 and 14. They have heard a lot but only seen apples get chucked at me. It scared my 9 year old so bad he hid under the coffee table. This was not good. It's almost like the wiring in their brain bcomes loose, and sometimes don't even remember some things or they don't want to remember. Mine has been seeing a physcoligist and just last fall it was suggested he was bipolar, but my ex will not get on meds. Anyway, my advice to you is give your police dept. a call, or call a lawyer. Find out what your rights are from an expert, rather than by someone who's grasping at straws. Get him out ASAP before you or your son gets hurt physically or anymore mentally! You work hard for your money to provide for you and your son, don't let some idiot ruin the things you have worked hard for. As far as your sons dirt bike, that was really cruel of yuor bf. I'm sure your son was/is proud of his bike, especially with buying it himself. My heart goes out to you and your son. May God bless you and keep you from harms way and lead you in the right direction on what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 12:30pm
Thanks for all the advice and well wishes.

I got an Order of Protection on Friday and he was served with it on Saturday morning when he was at my house attempting to get his stuff out. He got mouthy with the cop and he made him leave immediately without getting any stuff. His friends asked if they could come over and get his stuff, so I agreed, and they brought an army of trucks, trailers, and men. They moved all of his stuff out, everything but the kitchen sink. But now it is all gone and he has no reason to come to my house ever again. He was parking across the street and coming over to talk with his friends during the day on Saturday, so I called the cops again, and they came and told him to leave and that if he comes near my house again, they are taking him to jail.

I went out Sunday and had a new refrigerator delivered and tried to get the house and what little furniture we have left back in order. I'm trying to make it a "home" again for my son's sake. My parents are coming this weekend to help me with things.

I have to go to court on the 22nd to get the Order of Protection approved for the next two years. I'm sure he'll show up with an army of friends and a lawyer. I'm really worried about how that will go. What do I need to do to prepare? Should I get a lawyer?

I just want to get the house sold and leave town, but I'm afraid he'll try suing me for money that he has put into the house. I guess I just need to get all of my paperwork in order and make copies of all of the stuff I paid for since I moved here last summer.

Does anyone have any more advice for me on how this court thing will go? I'm really nervous about it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 1:17pm

Contact your local DV agency and explain the situation, then request BOTH legal references and a "court advocate" for your appearance.

CL-Blueliner4