I'm scared....what can I do?
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| Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:31am |
Brief history:
Met him in July of 2002, dated long-distance for a year, moved to his house in another state with my son in June of 2003, lived in his house for almost a year, while there he had trouble paying his bills so I took over paying the bills, he stopped giving me money for the bills because he was paying for other things like our vacation and my engagement ring. I continued to pay the bills without his help for 8 months. Bills were twice as much as I made, so I took thousands of dollars out of my savings to pay them. No physical violence, but very bad temper and very controlling and manipulative, but also very sweet (I got sucked in).
March 2004 - We decided to buy his parents house from them. They were moving south. He has no money so I bought the house in my name only and used what was left of my savings for the down payment.
Since we moved into the house we have done nothing but argue. He has become more and more controlling. My son spent most of the summer with my parents because he can't stand him. We've been seeing a counselor trying to work on things. He has gotten more and more verbally abusive, blaming me for everything, asking me if I'm "better" yet (after I see the counselor), he even asked the counselor if he could prescribe some drugs for me. I've tried to talk to him calmly and rationally, but he gets very angry and argues with me every time I try to talk to him. He went to Florida for a month to "work", doing hurricane clean up. He worked for about a week and spent the rest of the time drinking and going to the beach. We were getting along fine (over the phone) while he was gone. On Monday he decided to come home. He called on his way home and yelled at me for 2 hours about how he didn't miss me at all and he didn't want to come home because all I care about is his money (which he has none, he's filing bankruptcy because of $60,000 in cc debt). He got home Tuesday morning and called me at work and wanted to know what we were going to do. I told him that I was done and he needed to move out. He got mad and went out and wrecked my son's new dirt bike that he bought with his own money. (I can't prove it, but he did something to the engine so it won't run.) He stayed at the house and slept in the basement. Last night after my son went to bed, I told him that he had to leave. He said he wasn't ever leaving this house...it's the house he grew up in and it's his parents house and he wasn't leaving. I told him I would have him removed and he said you're going to have to because I'm not leaving. I gave him the engagement ring back and told him I didn't want anything to do with him, and he has until Saturday to find someplace else to live. He said he's not leaving until I pay him the money that he has spent on the house (he spent $6000 having the pole barn cemented and new garage doors installed), and he says that I owe his dad $30,000 because his dad said that he would only sell us the house for $150,000 if we paid him another $30,000 on the side, because he really wanted $180,000 for it (but there is nothing in writing and I never agreed to that). He also said he wanted all of the money that he gave me for the October bills back. I told him I already paid all the bills with it, so he said he is paid up until the end of October so he's not leaving until then.
He's scaring me because he's completely unpredictable and he's got a very bad temper. I don't know what he's capable of. He ran over my bike in June because me and my son went on a bike ride without him. I think he's psycho. But he does things to make it look like an accident. He has not hurt me or my son but I know he's capable of it. My dog is home with him right now and I'm afraid he's going to do something to my dog.
Plus he has his own business and the business is run out of the home and the pole barn. But since he doesn't own the property I don't think he has any rights to it. I'm just not sure if I have enough reason to call the police. I'm doubting myself because of the things he's telling me (like he's paid his rent for the month of Oct. so I can't have him kicked out). What can I do?

Hi Amber, and welcome -
As far as calling to have him removed, you may not have enough, but I would call them anyway, ask to speak with the officer who handles DV, and explain your situation and get their feedback.
CL-Blueliner4
I'll update you tomorrow.
Thanks! And everybody have a safe night!
After I left I realized that when he opened the safe his loaded hand gun was not in there. So I called the cops back and asked them if they remembered seeing his hand gun in the safe or if he had taken it out of the safe while they were there. The cop said he never saw a hand gun. So that means he took the gun out of the safe before I even told him the cops were coming. That worried me. The cop said it wasn't illegal for him to have a gun but to be careful and don't go anywhere alone.
I'm so afraid that he has gone off the deep end. His sister stopped over while the cops were there because she saw the cop cars. She even said she never saw him act this way before. And that's how he was acting with the cops there! She said she was scared for my safety and that I shouldn't stay in that house alone even after the locks are changed! How will I ever sleep at night? I am going to get a realtor and get the house up for sale as soon as I can. I refuse to live in fear and I will not put my son in danger!
I've never been in a situation like this before. I'm a nervous wreck. How do you get thru this??? How do you live your life? Do I look over my shoulder forever or will it get better with time? I hate this feeling and I feel for the people who have to live like this. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.
Hi again, Amber -
You're already doing the right things.
CL-Blueliner4
Amber, you are to be applauded for standing up to this bully and sticking to your guns.
Mama Harmony
I got an Order of Protection on Friday and he was served with it on Saturday morning when he was at my house attempting to get his stuff out. He got mouthy with the cop and he made him leave immediately without getting any stuff. His friends asked if they could come over and get his stuff, so I agreed, and they brought an army of trucks, trailers, and men. They moved all of his stuff out, everything but the kitchen sink. But now it is all gone and he has no reason to come to my house ever again. He was parking across the street and coming over to talk with his friends during the day on Saturday, so I called the cops again, and they came and told him to leave and that if he comes near my house again, they are taking him to jail.
I went out Sunday and had a new refrigerator delivered and tried to get the house and what little furniture we have left back in order. I'm trying to make it a "home" again for my son's sake. My parents are coming this weekend to help me with things.
I have to go to court on the 22nd to get the Order of Protection approved for the next two years. I'm sure he'll show up with an army of friends and a lawyer. I'm really worried about how that will go. What do I need to do to prepare? Should I get a lawyer?
I just want to get the house sold and leave town, but I'm afraid he'll try suing me for money that he has put into the house. I guess I just need to get all of my paperwork in order and make copies of all of the stuff I paid for since I moved here last summer.
Does anyone have any more advice for me on how this court thing will go? I'm really nervous about it!
Contact your local DV agency and explain the situation, then request BOTH legal references and a "court advocate" for your appearance.
CL-Blueliner4