I'm so tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
I'm so tired
5
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 9:53am

I come home from work yesterday and my 13 year old dd had pierced her cartiledge in her ear. She had told me that her friend had a self piercing kit a few months ago and wanted to do this....I told her no. I would rather a professional do it, than a bunch of kids. It really upset me because I feel like I am losing total control of everything. She is basically a good kid, but lately she just follows the rules that she agrees with and the rest she just ignores. She got mad at me and started crying and left the house....it was dark and said she was going to live somewhere else. Later on I went outside and talked to her, she was crying and said she couldn't live here anymore. She wanted to know why we couldn't just leave. She said she loved me, but she just couldn't live with my husband anymore. Nothing in particular happened to bring this on, I know she is just frustrated. My heart just breaks for her. I told her I am working on trying to leave, she just has to try to let me do what needs to be done first. She said that she doesn't understand how I can love and stay with someone who treats me so bad. I know she doesn't understand, I don't either. I am so sad today, I feel like my world is falling apart. I am trying so hard to keep everything together, and make everybody happy. Meanwhile, husband is in the house, basically kissing *** hanging up blinds. He asks what her problem is, and I tell him it's just girl stuff. He says "just one more thing to keep me out of, huh." I tell him it's nothing he needs to know about and that she need some time and space and I am giving it to her. I am so tired of just trying....I want to give up and just go lie down somewhere and not get up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:21am

I remember when I got my cartilage in my right ear pierced, I was 17 and that was ten yrs ago.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 12:04pm

I have been where your daughter is. In addition, I have a daughter (22) – well, two daughters actually – but the 22 year old just spent the weekend with me. I feel like I have so many perspectives on my current situation if I pay attention.

When I was 9 years old my mother remarried. Up until that time, she was the perfect, FUN mom. She went to university to become a nurse and she laughed all the time. When she met my “dad” they married quite quickly. Initially, I was excited because I really wanted a dad (my mom divorced my biological father when I was 2 and he never showed up until I was 15). My mom got pregnant right away and had my brother whom I absolutely adored. It quickly became apparent that there were a lot of things wrong in my home, but hard for a young girl to articulate. Basically, I seen that my mom was afraid of my dad and spent a considerable amount of time trying to meet his needs. It wasn’t reciprocal!! I never seen my dad physically abusive, but he certainly made up for it emotionally and mentally – he controlled her with the silent treatment. Thirty years ago, this was a hard issue to nail down and give a name! My dad did the same thing to me, and my mother would tell me to “try harder to get along with him.” Like it was MY issue. By the time I was 13/14 I was frustrated, bitter and lashing out in very unpredictable ways. I pierced each ear 4X (this was long before doing so was actually popular) and I worked my way up to running around with the wrong crowd (ironically, I ended up married at 16 to the police officer that kept picking me up and throwing me in jail – how is that for unethical?). The relationship with my mother continued to deteriorate as she struggled to make a decision. She ended up staying with my dad and I left home for good. Essentially, I have never been back. I do not speak to my parents because I find them dysfunctional and it makes me sick to see my mom without a voice.

I wish someone had asked me at 13 – What do you want???

My answer would have been to live with my mom in a stress free environment. I hated seeing my dad treat my mom the way he did. I wanted her to stand up and say “that’s enough” and pack us up and leave. I wanted her to KNOW she deserved better. I wanted her to be fearless. It didn’t happen.

Fast forward to now. My 22 year old daughter comes for the weekend and she obviously noticed that things are really bad in my home. She can’t believe that I am in this situation because I have been the epitome of the “anti-abuse” for years. When my children were growing up and their behaviour was inappropriate to each other or to someone else, I was always quick to name their abuse out loud (emotional, verbal, mental, etc.) and here is my beautiful, intelligent daughter saying “mom, this is emotional and verbal abuse!” I know that. I MUST leave because of it. Not just for me. Not just for my unborn baby, but for my 22 year old daughter who MUST understand that NO MATTER what, this is not acceptable. I am a mother. I will always be a role model. For the rest of my life, I will be accountable to my children. If my daughter ever finds herself in this situation I need to be able to say, “Look! You can do this.” And she needs to know that it can be done.

Being compelled to leave is NOT the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I will always be a mother and I will always be a role model. I need to choose what type of model I want to be for my children.

You need to do this same thing. Your 13 year old daughter is looking to you to “break trail” on a path she might find herself on one day. Don’t look back! Just do it. The pay off will come again and again. I’m certain of it, because mine grew up to be 22 years old and expects more from me. I’m 40 years old and I don’t expect anything from my mother – she failed me a long time ago.

Look into her eyes and then act. Make her proud.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 2:32pm

Your daughter has a good point.

Why DO you stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 3:27pm

I guess there are a lot of reasons, none of them probably good enough.

I don't know how we can make it on our own. We don't have anywhere to go. I don't have any money left. I don't want to take my 2 year old away from her father. Most of all I guess it's just that I still have questions about is this really abuse or if it's just a bad temper, questions that maybe he will get better. I'm afraid of what he might do, I don't think he would physically hurt us, but he threatens to kill himself all the time. I still care about him. He already thinks that his life is miserable. Plus, I'm scared of what people might think. This is my 4th marriage and this one was supposed to be "right". He is a good provider and he wasn't supposed to make our lives miserable. It's hard to leave when he is trying to act better and do things better, like he is right now. He was crying the other day when he thought I was going to leave, it's hard.
I'm just heartbroken and worn out and tired and I just want to cry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 3:45pm

I know it's hard, but everything you're describing IS ABUSE.

CL-Blueliner4